Cubs Management Working Hard to District Players from Team Woes

August 9, 2010

(San Francisco, CA) – It’s no secret that the Chicago Cubs are down in the dumps.

The team has lost 10 of 11, manager Lou Piniella is away to tend to his mother, and the players couldn’t be in worse spirits. It’s all they can do to get out of bed in the morning, let alone string together a victory or two.

At long last, however, the Cubs’ front office has taken note of the players’ despair, and they’re working hard to pull the players out of it.

“We love our guys,” team president Crane Kenney said earlier this week. “And we want nothing but the best for them, both professionally and personally. That’s why we’ve undertaking a new initiative to brighten the mood of individual Cubs on a one-on-one basis.”

“We’re redirecting several of our recently-hired hospitality personnel to devote their time to the players,” Kenney explained. “Whether that means hugs for a good at bat, scratch and sniff stickers for a good attitude, or shiny red balloon just because, we’re going to be there for our players.”

The program, tentatively titled Coddling Cubs, seems to be yielding early results.

“I just visited with [Cubs shortstop Starlin] Castro, and he’s positively glowing,” hospitality officer Sam Gronkowski said. “When I showed up in the clubhouse, he was grumpy and crabby. At first, he wasn’t responding when I jingled my keys, or when I put my hands over my eyes and disappeared. Actually, that one scared him quite a bit. But when I pulled that quarter from behind his ear, he didn’t stop squealing for a half an hour.”

“I had to change his diaper a little earlier than scheduled, but it was worth it.”

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