Cubs Players Finding It Increasingly Difficult to Interpret Mike Quade’s Eyebrowless Expressions
September 21, 2010
(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs welcome the San Francisco Giants to town tonight for a three-game series, and although the Cubs have been eliminated from playoff contention, the team’s spirits are up. Under former third base coach, and current interim manager, Mike Quade, the team is an impressive 17-7. The team hopes the momentum continues, and carries forward into 2011.
But it’s not all sunshine and roses on the North Side. Though the players have developed a newfound respect and appreciation for Quade, rumblings are surfacing that there is at least one problem with the manager. Er, well, at least two problems.
“The last thing I want to do is make waves or say anything disparaging about Mr. Quade,” young Cubs shortstop Starlin Castro tentatively explained on Tuesday. “But, well, how do I say this? The guy doesn’t have any eyebrows.”
Indeed, the Cubs’ interim manager does appear to be sporting less brow coverage than the average man, but is the lack of hair really a problem for his players? Apparently the answer is yes.
I had an at bat last week where I fouled off a number of pitches before striking out on a tough slider,” Castro said. “I got back to the dugout, and Quade said, ‘real nice at bat, Starlin.’ And he stared at me. I couldn’t tell if he was being serious, or sarcastic, or if he was angry with me. It really freaked me out. Lucky for me, Jeff Baker got gum stuck in his hair and called for Quade’s help.”
“And then there was when we threw him a surprise party, you know, because the team has been playing so well, and when we jumped out and shouted surprise, he just kind of stood there. I think I may have seen the skin folds above his eyes undulate a little, but without eyebrows, I couldn’t be sure.”
It seems the players aren’t content to labor in uncertainty any longer, and have resolved to do something about it. The players put their plan into action earlier this week.
“It was pretty simple, really,” Castro confessed. We went to Walgreens and got a black magic marker. Ryan Dempster slipped Quade a couple Ambien, and we went to work. Boom. Eyebrows.”
Castro says the faux eyebrows have been effective at alerting the team of Quade’s emotions, but he does have regrets.
“Looking back on it, we really should have stopped at the eyebrows. Now I can tell when he’s angry, but I can’t stop laughing at the penis we drew on his face.”