April 16, 2009
(Boston, MA) – The 2009 baseball season is up and kicking, and although interesting stories abound, none seems to capture the national imagination more than anything and everything about Manny Ramirez. From his bizarre exit from Boston last year, to his will-he-won’t-he sign with Los Angeles, folks just can’t seem to get enough of Manny’s antics.
Of course, Red Sox fans were mildly relieved to see his tiresome act ride off into the sunset, and his performance was ably replaced by a new MVP-calibre player: second baseman Dustin Pedroia.
But unfortunately for them, Manny’s baseball production wasn’t the only thing that Dusty Pedroia replaced.
December 8, 2008
You’re probably wondering what the heck a non-fake-news post is doing here. Well, it’s pretty rare that we stoop to the level of “serious” blogs, and post something that is not fake.
But this is a special occasion. There are some pretty big things happening here at The Brickyard, and we wanted to make sure all (three) of our readers know about them. Read more
June 29, 2008
Welcome to the fifth installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out. It’s been a crummy week in Cubs Nation. And not the delicious kind of crums – like the kind that fall off of an Otis Spunkmeyer cookie. As an aside, we’ve got a new resource here at The Brickyard: a complete catalog of the Cubs 2008 Draft. Ok, on with the Superfan. Read more
June 22, 2008
Welcome to the fourth installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out. It’s been a streaky week in Cubs Nation. And not all the good kind. Think half Heidi Klum streaking, and half Will Ferrell. Read more
June 16, 2008
Welcome to the third installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out. Well we’re back from a completely undeserved vacation, and hope you survived without us. The Cubs certainly did, losing just once this week, and continuing their torrid pace. Read more
June 6, 2008
Welcome to the second installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out. You might notice this week’s edition is running a bit early – we (that would be the royal “we,” which really just means “me”) will be without consistent internet access for the next week or so, and we wanted to make sure an get a Superfan out. You may notice sporadic articles over the next week. We’ll be back, though. We know you worry. Read more
June 1, 2008
Welcome to the first installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out.
In case you missed it, this was an incredible – and historic – week for the Chicago Cubs. The team lost on Sunday, but streaked through the rest of the week unbeaten, taking them to a record of 35-21: the best in baseball. Why is this historic? The last time the Cubs entered the month of June with the best record in baseball was also the last time the team won a World Series. That’s right, it was 100 years ago. Read more
May 16, 2008
In Episode 65…JIM FREAKING EDMONDS?!
Episode 65. Chicago Cubs Baseball on Bricks and Ivy Radio.Holy Moly. The Cubs Sign Jim Edmonds. The Cubs Hit, The Cubs Pitch, The Cubs Win. Chicago Cubs Baseball on Bricks and Ivy Radio. Fake Radio for an Ivy-Covered World.
CALL US ON THE NEW BRICKS & IVY RANT LINE — (312) 235-2820!
Citing Signability Concerns, Cubs Pass on Wieters – Instead Draft Upper East Colorado Valley State Community College Reserve Outfielder/Super Special Team Manager Timmy Gobbles
April 23, 2008
(Orlando, FL) – Speculation abounded early this afternoon as the Chicago Cubs officially made their first round selection in this year’s MLB first-year player draft. Would it be high school flame-thrower Rick Porcello? Switch-hitting Georgia Tech catcher Matt Wieters? In the end, largely due to financial considerations stemming from the sale of the team, the Cubs went with a young man – though not as young as the Chicago Bulls – they knew they could sign: former South Park Elementary star, and current Upper East Colorado Valley State Community College reserve outfielder and team manager Timmy Gobbles.
The Cubs reportedly struggled to the last minute in deciding between Gobbles and his sometimes nememis, rangey shortstop James “Jimmy” Vulmer (pictured right, above). Vulmer went three picks later and after loud cheers remarked, “Wow, what a great audience.”
“We really liked Rick [Porcello] and [Matt] Wieters, too. But in the end, when you’ve got a special guy on the board at your pick, you’ve just got to take him,” Cubs Scouting Director Tim Wilken said. “Signability was a consideration, sure. But Timmy has so much fight in him, and he’s a great clubhouse guy, too. He knows his plays, and knows when not to talk back. Also, he can’t walk, so we save money on cleats and stuff like that.”
Gobbles’ mother, Irene, said Timmy was thrilled about the selection, and although he always smiles, she could tell this time was different. “Timmy is so excited to be a part of the Cubs organization, and looks forward to the challenges of professional baseball,” she said. “He can’t speak, walk, hit or throw the ball, and he can’t run the bases with any semblance of awareness, so we really feel like the Cubs are a great fit.”
Shortly after the selection, the Gobbles headed out from the Orlando sports complex where the draft was being held to have a celebratory dinner at McDonalds.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Cubs did not do or say these things, and have said that with Michael Barrett, they have met their mentally-handicapped quota for the season. And it’s better than drafting Greg Oden. No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
SPECIAL REPORT: ZambranoGate – or; How Carlos Zambrano Learned to Stop Fighting the Crazy, and Start Fighting Michael Barrett
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – On Friday afternoon, Carlos Zambrano decided to stop fighting the voices in his head, and gave in when he got into a dugout fight with teamate Michael Barrett. The Cubs, losers of five in a row and nine of their last eleven, were on their way to defeat after a disasterous fifth inning which saw Barrett allow a run to score on a passed ball followed by a throwing error. Zambrano confronted Barrett in the dugout after the half inning, apparently about Barrett’s errors and game-calling.
It has since been reported that the fight was actually about Barrett’s constant barbs at Sanjaya, Zambrano’s favorite former American Idol contestant.
The two had to be separated by teamates and coaches. Zambrano was sent to the clubhouse, where Barrett followed to finish the scuffle. Obviously the team was confused and concerned about the fight – and so were the participants. “I was really shocked at first when he came at me,” said Michael Barrett. “At first, I flashed on AJ [Pierzynski], but then I remembered that Zambrano has a penis and is slightly more batsh*t crazy.”
Others weighed in on the now infamous dugout incident. “Did you see how Zambrano swung at him?” hitting coach Gerald Perry said. “Them were p*ssy swings. And Barrett didn’t even swing. I knew I hadn’t taught these guys to hit for sh**.”
Manager Lou Piniella was enraged by the fight, and showed more emotion than he has all year. “You’re damn right I was pissed off,” shouted Piniella in a post-game news conference. “You’ve seen the pictures. I jumped right up and I was screaming. During the fight, some a**hole stepped on my last meat pie. With f*cking cleats!”
“Meat pies, meat pies, hairy scary meat pies! What will I do without my meat pies?” lamented a visibly shaken Piniella after the game. “Oh, and additionally, we f*cking suck at baseball.”
As for Zambrano, the clubhouse was reportedly a mess following his dismissal. “Oh yeah, he tore that place up pretty good,” said Aramis Ramirez. “I went back there after the fight to see what was going on, and Zambrano was back there breaking bats, punching lockers, sending dozens of e-mails to family members in Caracas, sniffing athletic supporters, chewing pine tar… you know, normal Zambrano stuff. But then he got this look in his eye and said ‘They’ll all love me soon,’ and he cut off his freaking ear!”
Zambrano allegedly told teamates his left ear had become greedy and untrustworthy.
General Manager Jim Hendry, away from Wrigley for the day while scouting for the upcoming draft, was at a loss. “We’re really in a bad place right now, both as a team and as an organization. And now we’ve got to deal with this,” Hendry opined. “I just don’t know. I mean, I’m gonna have to figure out what the hell to do with Zambrano. And I’m gonna have to figure out what the hell to do with this (holds up bloody shoebox containing tissue paper, baby’s breath, and a left ear).”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Well, sadly, probably the funniest part of the story – the fight, itself – is actually true. But for the most part, no one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)