Of course, Red Sox fans were mildly relieved to see his tiresome act ride off into the sunset, and his performance was ably replaced by a new MVP-calibre player: second baseman Dustin Pedroia.

But unfortunately for them, Manny’s baseball production wasn’t the only thing that Dusty Pedroia replaced.

“I’d say it was mid-September when the unpleasantness started,” Red Sox clubhouse attendant Harry Port said. “Dustin came into the clubhouse in the fourth inning of a game against the Orioles, and instead of urinating in the toilet, he urinated in my pocket.”

“I shouted, ‘Dustin, what the heck are you doing,’ but he just kept going. It was like someone had poked a little hole in a 40 gallon drum of apple juice. And when he was done, he looked at me and said, ‘Don’t be mad. That’s just Dustin being Manny.’”

Pedroia’s strange behavior deteriorated rapidly from there, culminating in a $40,000 transformation of his MVP trophy into a spinning, diamond necklace. And it hasn’t stopped with the new season.

“It’s a real chore to deal with Pedroia now,” manager Terry Francona said. “He comes and goes as he pleases, makes hilarious but frustratingly ridiculous plays in the field. He keeps saying he’s ‘just being Manny,’ but that’s only going to be sort of funny for so long.”

“He’s decided to sit out for a week due to a bout with lactose intolerance, but I don’t think he really has it. Hell, I don’t think he really understands what it is. He said he’s sick and tired of all the bigotry and intolerance hurled at the Lactoids, and he’ll sit out until it’s remedied. And then he ate a little baggy of fingernails.”

“And I don’t know if it’s some kind of MLB baseball betting or some other kind of sports betting online, but it’s pretty clear that he’s been fixing games. Dropping pop flies, not running plays out. And the other day he was intentionally walked, but he told the umpire the pitches were clearly strikes and he sat back down.”

For his part, Manny has been trying to clean up his act in his new home, Los Angeles.

“I’ve been good, for sure,” Manny said earlier this week. “No antics, and at least 50 percent fewer shenanigans. And on Sunday, a fan sent me her cat, asking me to dress it up in a Dodger uniform and let it play a few innings in left field in my place. I only let it play one inning. I’m getting better.”

You’re probably wondering what the heck a non-fake-news post is doing here. Well, it’s pretty rare that we stoop to the level of “serious” blogs, and post something that is not fake.

But this is a special occasion. There are some pretty big things happening here at The Brickyard, and we wanted to make sure all (three) of our readers know about them.

Although our primary goal has been, and will continue to be, writing funny fake news articles that totally don’t rip off any other sites. But at the same time, we’ve always wanted to have something more available for our readers. And at the risk of sounding uber-cheesey, that something is a quality, funny, one-of-a-kind Cubs community.

For four years now, we’ve – that’s the royal we – belonged to the greatest Cubs message board on the ‘net, called Sons of Ivy. I know what you’re thinking: if it’s the greatest Cubs message board on the ‘net, why haven’t I heard of it? And also, I really want to bang my best friend’s mom. Shame on you for thinking the second, but we understand why you’d be thinking the first.

Sons of Ivy started several years ago as a private board, created by a group of friends who were looking for a different kind of Cubs message board. One that wasn’t overrun by idiots who couldn’t string together a coherent thought, and one that wasn’t overrun by tyrant moderators who cry about “swear” words and “personal attacks.” Fuck that.

Thus, Sons of Ivy was born. And for years, we operated our little private message board. But now we’re ready to take things public. Mostly. And we’re coming right here to the Brickyard.

So if you’re interested in checking out our message board – and the funniest, most knowledgeable Cubs fans around – check it out: Sons of Ivy. Even if you’re not into the whole funny/knowledgeable thing, we tend to discuss every rumor or news item out there, so it’s a nice one-stop shop for all things Cubs.

And it gets better. As some of you know, The Brickyard started out as the blog for Bricks & Ivy Radio’s excellent podcast. Well, we got full of ourselves and left to go it on our own.

Aaaaaaaand now we’re back. Actually, they’re back. Bricks & Ivy Radio is coming to The Brickyard. Yeah, we’ve always hosted a copy of their podcast here, but now we’re going to be together again. So be on the lookout for Bricks & Ivy Radio at the Brickyard – it’s the best Cubs podcast out there, hands down.

So that’s it. Check out Sons of Ivy, and look for Bricks & Ivy Radio.

Welcome to the fifth installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out. It’s been a crummy week in Cubs Nation. And not the delicious kind of crums – like the kind that fall off of an Otis Spunkmeyer cookie. As an aside, we’ve got a new resource here at The Brickyard: a complete catalog of the Cubs 2008 Draft.  Ok, on with the Superfan.

In case you missed it, this week saw the Cubs lose four of six to the Baltimore Orioles and the evil White Sox of the South. The Cubs still have the best record in baseball at 49-32, but sadly STILL hold just a 3.5 game lead over the St. Louis Cardinals – who are STILL apparently unaware that they are not supposed to be any good. We’re gonna keep posting that damn article until these bozos fall more than 3.5 games back. It’s been a 3.5 game lead for the last FOUR Superfans. Ridiculous.

The Bare Minimum Weekly Roundup

Sunday, June 22 – The Cubs complete a home sweep of the White Sox with a 7-1 win. Ryan Dempster throws a gem and improves to a mind-boggling 9-0 at home this year. It’s not even July!

Monday, June 23 – Off day. Derrek Lee goes to Blockbuster.

Tuesday, June 24 – Cubs lose to the Baltimore Orioles 7-5. The loss snaps the Cubs 14-game home winning streak. The Cubs were down 7-1 early and almost come all the way back to win it. Bases loaded, nobody out, bottom of the ninth, down by two… and the Cubs go all 2005. Ronny Cedeno, Kosuke Fukudome, and Henry Blanco strike out in order to end the game. Ouch.

Wednesday, June 25 – The Cubs beat the O’s and former Cubs-target Brian Roberts 7-4. Fukudome doesn’t play because of a sore calf. Great. We need more injuries. Next week Aramis Ramirez slips on some soap in the shower and breaks his hip.

Thursday, June 26 – Ouch – Cubs get hoagie slapped 11-4 by the O’s. Series = lost. Starter Jason Marquis gives up seven runs in four innings, and takes his first loss in over a month. The Cubs had 10 hits, but they were all singles. I guess that’s not really all that interesting give that even all 10 had been home runs, the Cubs still might very well have lost 11-10.

Friday, June 27 – Cubs are on the receiving end of another beat down, 10-3, but this time it’s worse, because it’s the White Sox. Ryan Dempster gets knocked around, and is winless on the road. Of course, “the road” for the purposes of this game is like five miles that way. Eric Patterson has several misadventures in left field prompting Lou Piniella to say that he’ll never let Patterson play left field ever again for the rest of time. Or something like that.

Saturday, June 28 – Losers again, Cubs go down 6-5 to the Sox on Carlos Quentin’s tie-breaking homer in the seventh off of Carlos Marmol. Remember when Marmol was awesome? That was fun. Derrek Lee goes 5-5, but it doesn’t really matter. Nothing that happens in losses to the White Sox matters.

The Cubs Count’s Number of the Week: 7

That’s the number of losses the Cubs have in the past 11 games. The Cubs haven’t had a stretch like this all year, but I suppose it is to be expected. Hopefully and upcoming series against the woeful Giants will be the salve the Cubs need.

Cubs Cat Sez

Welcome to the fourth installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out. It’s been a streaky week in Cubs Nation. And not all the good kind. Think half Heidi Klum streaking, and half Will Ferrell.

In case you missed it, this week saw the Cubs lose three of five to the Tampa Bay Rays and the evil White Sox of the South. The Cubs still have the best record in baseball at 47-28, but sadly STILL hold just a 3.5 game lead over the St. Louis Cardinals – who are STILL apparently unaware that they are not supposed to be any good. We’re gonna keep posting that damn article until these bozos fall more than 3.5 games back. It’s been a 3.5 game lead for the last three Superfans. Ridiculous.

The Bare Minimum Weekly Roundup

Monday, June 16 – The Cubs are slated to play in the last Hall of Fame scrimmage game against the San Diego Padres, but alas, the weather does not cooperate. The Cubs were totally heartbroken to learn that they would miss this completely worthless, completely meaningless, crammed-in-between-two-actual-playing-days, forced-them-to-travel-all-over-the-dang-country game.

Tuesday, June 17 – The Cubs lose to the Tampa Bay Rays 3-2 on the road – no shock given the Cubs had to fly all over the country just to play this game and not play that fake game yesterday. Ryan Dempster has another good start, but gets nothing to show for it. Former Cub / really old guy Cliff Floyd hit a homer to help the Rays win.

Wednesday, June 18 – Cubs lose again to the Rays, and again by just one run, 5-4. Pitcher Carlos Zambrano gives up five runs early, and then shuts the Rays down. But sadly, he then shuts himself down with some kind of shoulder injury. Cubs Cat sez “Zambra…NO!!!” We also learn that the center field tandem of Reed Johnson and Jim Edmonds are also ailing with a sore back and foot, respectively. But all thoughts are with Zambrano.

Thursday, June 19 – The stupid, poopyface Rays complete the sweep of the Cubs with an 8-3 loss. Going into the bottom of the 7th, the Cubs have a 3-1 lead, but the bullpen – which came into the game with a very tasty 3.22 ERA – disintegrates, giving up seven(!) runs. Notably, the setup man extraordinnaire Carlos Marmol walked two batters and then plunked two batters, consecutively, and with no outs. He didn’t even hit the batters with fastballs, so there was no silver lining. The loss marked the third straight for the Cubs, their first three-game losing streak of the year. Considering it’s mid-June, that’s pretty awesome, I suppose.

Friday, June 20 – Those evil Southsiders arrive at the blessed kingdom of Wrigley. Rejoice, good citizens! For the Cubs are victorious 4-3! Aramis Ramirez hits a walk-off shot in the 9th to win the game after the Cubs had battled from behind. Sportscenter begins running a pieces comparing Lou Piniella and Ozzie Guillen. It makes Ozzie look like a lovable card and not the Ozzie he really is. We also receive good news from Carlos Zambrano’s MRI results: no tear in any of the important structures of his shoulder. Just a strain. But he’ll go on the 15-day Disabled List for now to rest up. Good news on Alfonso Soriano, too – he seems to be healing faster than expected.

Saturday, June 21 – Cubs step on the little brother Sox 11-7. Nine of those runs come in an explosive 4th inning that sees the Cubs go deep four times, two by Jim – gulp, Jimmy Baseball – Edmonds. Edmonds becomes only the third Cub ever to hit two homers in the same inning (the others being Sammy Sosa on May 16, 1996 and Mark Bellhorn on Aug. 29, 2002), and is now a part of Cubs lore. Speaking of homers, Dewayne Wise hit his first of the season off starter Jason Marquis. Wise has hit three home runs since mid-2004 – and all three have been at Wrigley Field. Edmonds is now hitting .400 in his last 18 games. Watch out Ted Williams! Well, not because Edmonds might hit .400 on the season, but because he might steal your frozen head. He’s rambunctious!

The Cubs Count’s Number of the Week: .725

Yes, we were all sad to see the Cubs get swept by the Tampa Bay Rays. But .725? That’s the Rays’ winning percentage at home this year. So I guess it’s not exactly uncommon for teams to head down there and get smacked around.

Of course, I would be negligent to fail to mention the fact that the Rays are not the best team in baseball at home. That honor belongs, of course, to our very own Cubbies. The Cubs are now 31-8 at home this year, for a mind-numbing .795 winning percentage.

Did you ever wonder why teams in baseball have a homefield advantage? I can certainly understand it in a sport like, say, football where the home crowd can actually impact the play on the field (creating too much noise, preventing the opposition from calling audibles, for example). Is it just the comfort of sleeping in your own bed and/or lack of travel? Am I just really stupid and missing something obvious?

Cubs Cat Sez

Welcome to the third installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out. Well we’re back from a completely undeserved vacation, and hope you survived without us. The Cubs certainly did, losing just once this week, and continuing their torrid pace.

In case you missed it, this week saw the Cubs win five of six against the Braves and Blue Jays – the Cubs’ first interleague series of the year. The Cubs still have the best record in baseball at 45-25, but sadly STILL hold just a 3.5 game lead over the St. Louis Cardinals – who are STILL apparently unaware that they are not supposed to be any good.

The Bare Minimum Weekly Roundup

Monday, June 9 – Off-day. Lou Piniella and Scott Eyre share a special moment and a deep-dish pizza. Or five.

Tuesday, June 10 – The Cubs beat the Atlanta Braves 10-5 at Wrigley to open up a three-game series. Several Cubs got the best of [former] Atlanta ace Tom Glavine. Ted Lilly had a nice quality start (3 or fewer earned runs in 6 or more innings), and Scott Eyre critically struck out an Atlanta Brave – neither he nor we were exactly sure who he was… Gregor Blanco… Henry’s less-talented brother, perhaps? Is “less-talented” possible? In so doing, Eyre extended his consecutive scoreless appearance streak to 31, tying former closer Ryan Dempster’s club record, set from August 2005 to April 2006.

Wednesday, June 11 – Cubs win by five again over the Braves, but lose in the process. Left fielder Alfonso Soriano tried to smack a second inning fastball with his left hand and broke his ring finger. Soriano could be out for more than six weeks. At the risk of editorializing, that sucks. Soriano leads the Cubs with 15 homers on the year and an OPS near .880. At least Soriano’s constant outfield misadventures will be easily replaced. Lost in the injury shuffle was another outstanding performance by Ryan Dempster, who now has a 2.81 ERA on the season. He better be an All Star.

Thursday, June 12 – The Cubs complete a series sweep of the Braves with a 3-2 win – their 10th comeback win in 11 games. Center fielder Reed Johnson “drove” in the winning run by being on the recieving end of a bases loading plunking. Jim Edmonds hit a game tying homer in the 9th, and through 22 games with the Cubs, he sports an incredible .309/.342/.515 line to go with 14 RBI’s. Maybe we’ve been too hard on ‘ole Jimmy Baseball.

Friday, June 13 – Ah, Friday the 13th. Clearly that’s what it takes to stop the Cubs, as they lose to the Blue Jays 3-2 in Toronto. AJ Burnett wiggled out of jam after jam – or the Cubs blew opportunity after opportunity, depending on your perspective.

Saturday, June 14 – Cubs get back to their winning ways with a 6-2 victory over the Blue Jays. Jason Marquis pitched well for the Cubs, and former Blue Jay Reed Johnson hit a three-run homer. Marquis has actually been quite good lately, going 3-0 with a 1.96 ERA in his last three starts. For you non-baseball types, that’s good.

Sunday, June 15 – Ted Lilly beats his former mates as the Cubs win again over the Blue Jays, 7-4. Fortunately that’s just a metaphorical “beat,” and Lilly managed to refrain from beating on his former manager John Gibbons (Lilly and Gibbons notoriously got into a physical altercation – Michael Barrett and Carlos Zambrano style – back in August of 2006).

The Cubs Count’s Number of the Week: .643

Yes, we’re all very sad that Alfonso Soriano is going to be out for an extended period of time. But this isn’t the first time he’s been out for at least a couple of weeks this year.

When Soriano missed 14 games earlier this year with a calf strain – that like, completely, totally had nothing to do with his ridiculous hop catch style – the Cubs managed to win nine of those games for a .643 winning percentage.

Does that mean that the Cubs will necessarily play better without Fonzie? Of course not. But it does take some of the sting out. And so far so good: the Cubs are 4-1 since Soriano broke his hand.

Cubs Cat Sez

Welcome to the second installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out. You might notice this week’s edition is running a bit early – we (that would be the royal “we,” which really just means “me”) will be without consistent internet access for the next week or so, and we wanted to make sure an get a Superfan out. You may notice sporadic articles over the next week. We’ll be back, though. We know you worry.

In case you missed it, this week saw the Cubs extend their season-high winning streak to 9 games (longest since 2001). The Cubs still have the best record in baseball at 39-22, and hold a 3.5 game lead over the St. Louis Cardinals – who are still apparently unaware that they are not supposed to be any good.

The Bare Minimum Weekly Roundup

Sunday, June 1 – The Cubs sweep the Colorado Rockies with a 5-3 win. Youngster Sean Gallagher picks up his 3rd win of the season. The last time a Cubs rookie starting pitcher named Sean won 3 games? You have to go all the way back to… um, like 2 years ago. Sean Marshall won 6 games for the Cubs in 2006.

Monday, June 2 – The Cubs beat the San Diego Padres 7-6 in San Diego’s spacious Petco Park. Carlos Zambrano does what loves to do best: Hit. Big Z has 3 hits in the game, including a game-tying RBI triple. He is now hitting .366 in 41 at bats this year. I bet you wonder where that average would put Z in the pantheon of hitting pitchers in the post-DH era. You didn’t wonder that? Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway. It would put him squarely at the top. In 1993, Dodgers’ pitcher – and now terrible ESPN commentator – Orel Hershiser hit .356 in 71 at bats.

Tuesday, June 3 – Cubs keep streaking with a 9-6 victory over the Padres. That makes 9 in a row. The Cubs came back in this one after being down… well, only 2-0. But it’s still classified as a “comeback,” which makes it the Cubs’ 20th of the season. Best in the Major Leagues.

Wednesday, June 4 – Oh snap! The Professor – and former Cub favorite – Greg Maddux throws a gem and snaps the Cubs’ winning streak, as the Padres beat the Cubs 2-1. Maddux got a no-decision, though, which has been a theme for him this season. He’s pitching excellently with a 3.48 ERA, but has just 3 wins to show for it. If you guessed that it’s because the Padres suck, you’d be an excellent guesser.

Thursday, June 5 – Streak’s back on! Cubs beat the Los Angeles Dodgers 5-4 at Chavez Ravine. Kerry Wood picked up his 17th save of the year. That’s tops in the National League, but way behind the Major League leader. Somehow Francisco Rodriguez (K-Rod) of the Los Angeles Angels has 24 saves. That’s like, most of their wins.

Thursday was also the MLB Draft. So how about a “Bare Minimum” within the “Bare Minimum”? Not interested? Too bad. I have the keyboard.

The Bare Minimum 2008 Cubs Draft Roundup

Now, these are not ALL of the Cubs picks for the 2008 Draft, but this is just the bare minium. So we’ll give you the skinny on the first six picks.

Round 1, Pick 19: RHP Andrew Cashner, Texas Christian – A middling kind of starting pitcher who became a dominant closer for TCU. He’s 6’6″, has a fastball in the high 90s and a slider in the high 80s. Still a bit raw and wild at times, but has the kind of arm that could be ready to help the Cubs *this year.*

Compensatory Round A, Pick 41: SS Ryan Flaherty, Vanderbilt – A lefty who has put up good numbers at Vandy, but who is probably too big to stay at shortstop over the long term. Not to mention the fact that his fielding percentage at short has been brutal. Good arm, so he could play third, but may not ever have the power that you like to see at third base.

Round 2, Pick 65: RHP Aaron Shafer, Wichita State – Last year, this big pitcher was thought to be a lock top-ten pick. Dealt with an abdominal injury, so it didn’t happen. This year, he was thought to be again, a lock for a first round pick, but an elbow injury shaved a few MPH off of his fastball. He’s been effective since his injury, but when it comes to young arms and elbow injuries, there’s always a reason to be alarmed.

Round 3, Pick 97: RHP Chris Carpenter, Kent State – No, not that Chris Carpenter. Another big, righty, college pitcher. Sensing a theme? Carpenter had Tommy John surgery in 2005, and is finally feeling completely back. His college numbers aren’t eye-popping, but according to scouts, there are times when he shows *the* best stuff in all of college baseball.

Round 4, Pick 131: SS Matt Cerda, Oceanside HS (Oceanside, CA) – Cerda is the first high schooler taken by the Cubs, and he is currently a San Diego University recruit. He’s got a small frame and a quick, compact, lefty swing. Will probably play second base, as he doesn’t have the range for shortstop.

Round 5, Pick 161: RHP Justin Bristow, East Carolina – Yup, another big, righty, college pitcher. Hmm, what platitudes are left to describe him? Good curveball, hard fastball. Was tagged to be a first rounder in 2005  out of high school (didn’t happen). After a poor first two college years – mostly because he was mostly a position player at that time – he was occassionally dominant in his junior year as a full-time starting pitcher.

The Cubs Count’s Number of the Week: 1

1 is the Cubs’ current National League rank in the following offensive categories: Runs, Hits, Average (by 22 points!), On-Base Percentage (by 25 points!), and OPS* (by 21 points!).

*Here’s a 5-Minute Superfan opportunity for learning: have you always heard your friends and/or folks on TV say “OPS” and you wondered, “what the heck does OPS mean?” OPS stands for On-Base Percentage (“OBP” – essentially, how often a player gets on base by way of a hit, walk or hit-by-pitch) plus Slugging Percentage (“SLG” – essentially, how many total bases a player averages per plate appearance). As a team, the Cubs have a .365 OBP and .451 SLG. Add those together, and you get .816 – the Cubs’ team OPS. Think of it as Overall Player Stat – because that’s really what it is. It’s a way to get an overall picture of a player’s offensive production. And as a rule of thumb to impress your friends: .800 is a nice approximate cutoff where you can say above that number, a player is good, and below it, not great.

Cubs Cat Sez

Welcome to the first installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out.

In case you missed it, this was an incredible – and historic – week for the Chicago Cubs. The team lost on Sunday, but streaked through the rest of the week unbeaten, taking them to a record of 35-21: the best in baseball. Why is this historic? The last time the Cubs entered the month of June with the best record in baseball was also the last time the team won a World Series. That’s right, it was 100 years ago.

The Bare Minimum Weekly Roundup

Sunday, May 25 – The Cubs lost to the Pittsburgh Pirates 5-6 in Pittsburgh. The Cubs led 5-4 in the 9th, when Alfonso Soriano forgot how to catch lazy fly balls. He dropped a Nate McLouth fly ball, which he said he lost in the sun, and the Pirates tied the game. They would later win in extra innings on a walk-off single by Jason Bay – his second in as many days.

Monday, May 26 – The Cubs beat the Los Angeles Dodgers 3-1 at Wrigley. Ryan Dempster found himself in jams all day long, but worked out of them. Derrek Lee hit is 250th career home run in this game, 120 of which have come with the Cubs. 129 came with the Marlins. What about that other lonely home run? It came in Lee’s rookie – and only – year with the San Diego Padres back in 1997.

Tuesday, May 27 – Lather, rinse, repeat. Cubs beat Dodgers 3-1, again. Sean Gallagher pitched a gem for the Cubs, and left fielder Kosuke Fukudome had a great night at the plate and in the field on his bobblehead night. Gallagher is just 22, and is a name to know. He was selected by the Cubs in 12th round in 2004 – though he was actually a consensus 2nd or 3rd round-caliber player (he slipped because many thought he would not sign if drafted later than the 2nd round, opting instead to go to college). After dominating every level of the minors for three years, he made his debut with the Cubs last year – and made his Brickyard debut earlier this year.

Wednesday, May 28 – Cubs complete the home sweep of the Dodgers, winning 2-1. Carlos Zambrano pitches well, but doesn’t figure in the decision as the Cubs can’t scratch out a single run off Dodger starter Derek Lowe (seems to always give the Cubs fits – career 3.15 ERA against the team). But the Dodger bullpen can’t close the game out, much to manager Joe Torre’s anger and confusion, and the Cubs come back to tie it in the 9th and win it in the 10th on an Alfonso Soriano single. We’re still not forgetting that dropped ball thing, Alf.

Thursday, May 29 – Cubs beat the Colorado Rockies 8-4 at Wrigley. Derrek Lee hit his 13th homer of the season in this game. Last year, he didn’t hit his 13th home run until August!

Friday, May 30 – Cubs stage an unbelievable comeback to beat the Rockies 10-9 – the team’s 4th straight come back win. The Cubs were down 8-0 early, but came back late – despite manager Lou Piniella (rightfully) yanking Derrek Lee and catcher Geovany Soto when the game was seemingly out of reach, and resting shortstop Ryan Theriot and third baseman Aramis Ramirez from the start. Center fielder / hated former Cardinal Jim Edmonds finally had a good game for the Cubs. Still not seeing the production from Edmonds that the Cubs had hoped.

Saturday, May 31 – Cubs beat the Rockies again, with a 5-4 win over former Cubs fat guy Glendon Rusch. Ryan Dempster picked up his 7th win of the year, and now stands at 7-2 with a 2.75 ERA. If he keeps it up, how can he not be an All-Star? Well, unfortunately, the performance of his teamates – notably Carlos Zambrano, Carlos Marmol, Geovanny Soto and others – may be the answer to that question. Because each National League team has to have a representative on the All-Star team, it will be difficult for the Cubs to get more than 3 or 4 players on the team. Dempster may be the odd man out.

The Step on your Grapes Moment of the Week: Alfonso Soriano goes Brant Brown on a fly ball.

The Reason We’re Fans Moment of the Week: Mark DeRosa’s 2-run homer that caps off the ridiculous comeback against the Rockies. Gives you chills. Admit it.

The Cubs Count’s Number of the Week: .473

That’s the winning percentage of the Pittsburgh Pirates – the last place team in the NL Central. That’s the best record for a divisional last place team outside of the AL East (where the Baltimore Orioles are just a half-game better). The NL Central has six teams. Every other division has only five, except the AL West, where only four teams must compete for the divisional crown. Ever since realignment, we’ve heard that this unbalanced setup is not unfair because the NL Central is the weakest divsion in baseball. But given this number, it might be time to question this old addage. If the Pirates were in the AL West, they’d be a full 5.5 games ahead of that division’s worst team, the Seattle Mariners.

Cubs Cat Sez

In Episode 65…JIM FREAKING EDMONDS?!

Episode 65. Chicago Cubs Baseball on Bricks and Ivy Radio.Holy Moly. The Cubs Sign Jim Edmonds. The Cubs Hit, The Cubs Pitch, The Cubs Win. Chicago Cubs Baseball on Bricks and Ivy Radio. Fake Radio for an Ivy-Covered World.

CALL US ON THE NEW BRICKS & IVY RANT LINE — (312) 235-2820!

You can listen to the latest episode at the link here.
Or on our very own Cubs Brickyard page here.
OR…you can subscribe to our podcast (for free, of course) via iTunes here. Neat-0.

The Cubs reportedly struggled to the last minute in deciding between Gobbles and his sometimes nememis, rangey shortstop James “Jimmy” Vulmer (pictured right, above). Vulmer went three picks later and after loud cheers remarked, “Wow, what a great audience.”

“We really liked Rick [Porcello] and [Matt] Wieters, too. But in the end, when you’ve got a special guy on the board at your pick, you’ve just got to take him,” Cubs Scouting Director Tim Wilken said. “Signability was a consideration, sure. But Timmy has so much fight in him, and he’s a great clubhouse guy, too. He knows his plays, and knows when not to talk back. Also, he can’t walk, so we save money on cleats and stuff like that.”

Gobbles’ mother, Irene, said Timmy was thrilled about the selection, and although he always smiles, she could tell this time was different. “Timmy is so excited to be a part of the Cubs organization, and looks forward to the challenges of professional baseball,” she said. “He can’t speak, walk, hit or throw the ball, and he can’t run the bases with any semblance of awareness, so we really feel like the Cubs are a great fit.”

Shortly after the selection, the Gobbles headed out from the Orlando sports complex where the draft was being held to have a celebratory dinner at McDonalds.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Cubs did not do or say these things, and have said that with Michael Barrett, they have met their mentally-handicapped quota for the season. And it’s better than drafting Greg Oden. No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

It has since been reported that the fight was actually about Barrett’s constant barbs at Sanjaya, Zambrano’s favorite former American Idol contestant.

The two had to be separated by teamates and coaches. Zambrano was sent to the clubhouse, where Barrett followed to finish the scuffle. Obviously the team was confused and concerned about the fight – and so were the participants. “I was really shocked at first when he came at me,” said Michael Barrett. “At first, I flashed on AJ [Pierzynski], but then I remembered that Zambrano has a penis and is slightly more batsh*t crazy.”

Others weighed in on the now infamous dugout incident. “Did you see how Zambrano swung at him?” hitting coach Gerald Perry said. “Them were p*ssy swings. And Barrett didn’t even swing. I knew I hadn’t taught these guys to hit for sh**.”

Manager Lou Piniella was enraged by the fight, and showed more emotion than he has all year. “You’re damn right I was pissed off,” shouted Piniella in a post-game news conference. “You’ve seen the pictures. I jumped right up and I was screaming. During the fight, some a**hole stepped on my last meat pie. With f*cking cleats!”

“Meat pies, meat pies, hairy scary meat pies! What will I do without my meat pies?” lamented a visibly shaken Piniella after the game. “Oh, and additionally, we f*cking suck at baseball.”

As for Zambrano, the clubhouse was reportedly a mess following his dismissal. “Oh yeah, he tore that place up pretty good,” said Aramis Ramirez. “I went back there after the fight to see what was going on, and Zambrano was back there breaking bats, punching lockers, sending dozens of e-mails to family members in Caracas, sniffing athletic supporters, chewing pine tar… you know, normal Zambrano stuff. But then he got this look in his eye and said ‘They’ll all love me soon,’ and he cut off his freaking ear!”

Zambrano allegedly told teamates his left ear had become greedy and untrustworthy.

General Manager Jim Hendry, away from Wrigley for the day while scouting for the upcoming draft, was at a loss. “We’re really in a bad place right now, both as a team and as an organization. And now we’ve got to deal with this,” Hendry opined. “I just don’t know. I mean, I’m gonna have to figure out what the hell to do with Zambrano. And I’m gonna have to figure out what the hell to do with this (holds up bloody shoebox containing tissue paper, baby’s breath, and a left ear).”

Update: Zambrano and Barrett have gone at it again.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Well, sadly, probably the funniest part of the story – the fight, itself – is actually true. But for the most part, no one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)