Roger Clemens on Alleged Affair with 15 Year Old: “I would never bang a chick that ugly”
May 12, 2008
(Houston, TX) - Last week, the media was abuzz with allegations that pitcher Roger Clemens - already torn asunder by claims that he had used performance-enhancing drugs to achieve his success - had an affair with country singer Mindy McCready when she was just 15 years old. On Monday, Clemens finally responded. Read more
Running Low on Options, Mark Prior’s Doctors Recommend Emergency Episiotomy
May 11, 2008
(San Diego, CA) - The injury bug has struck former Chicago Cubs pitcher Mark Prior, and this time, it may just end his career. Prior began feeling shoulder discomfort earlier in the week, but after an examination by doctors on Sunday, everyone knew it was serious.
HIPAA laws prevent any of Prior’s doctors from going into detail about his injury, but San Diego Padres’ Chairman John Moores shared with reporters what he understood Prior’s injury to entail. Read more
White Sox Pitcher Almost Throws No-Hitter - Nation Still Watches Cubs
May 7, 2008
(Minneapolis, MN / Cincinnati, OH) - Last night, something incredibly exciting was happening in the baseball world. The Nation turned its eyes to watch something special - something it loved to see happen.
The Chicago Cubs shutout the Cincinnati Reds 3-0. Read more
Ozzie Guillen Uses Racial Epithet Against Self
May 6, 2008
(Toronto, CA) - Shortly before the White Sox faced the Toronto Blue Jays yesterday, Sox manager Ozzie Guillen launched into a profanity-laced tirade. In the tirade, Guillen took shots at Chicago Cubs fans, Chicago White Sox fans, the media, and even former Cubs manager Lee Elia’s infamous rant. Other than finding new and exciting ways to discuss horsepoop, Guillen’s tirade was pretty standard fair.
But it was what he said after the game that really had people buzzing. Read more
Prince Fielder Becomes a Vegetarian - Meat Industry Files for Bankruptcy
April 25, 2008
Kansas City Royals Mathematically Eliminated from Playoff Contention
April 25, 2008
(Kansas City, MO) - Monday was a day of spirited excitement all around baseball, as teams took the field for Opening Day. But the day was also one of profound disappointment for the Kansas Ciy Royals, as they were officially eliminated from playoff contention despite their 5-4 extra innings victory over the Detroit Tigers.
Though disappointed, the Royals (1-0) cannot be particularly surprised that they will not be making the playoffs this year. The team has not made the playoffs in more than 20 years.
Still, the day stung.
“Yeah, of course we’re disappointed,” Royals 3B Alex Gordon said Monday night. “I mean, it is particularly hard to swallow, given that we’ve won the only game we’ve played this year.”
This is the first time the Royals have been eliminated on Opening Day following a win, but it is not the earliest they have been eliminated. In 1986, the team was eliminated from the playoffs in the third inning of their Opening Day game. And mid-way through 1995, they were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs for the 1996, 1997, and 1998 seasons.
“At first I didn’t want to believe it,” the Royals’ new manager Trey Hillman said. “But I’m no mathematician, and I’ve been shown the numbers. The dream is over.”
“Next year, we’ll just have to regroup, and see if we can’t make it into April with a shot.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Royals are still alive for a playoffs spot in the same way that the Rays and Orioles are still alive. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Nick Swisher on Arrest for Methamphetamine Possession; “Just Trying to Relate to My New Fans”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Nick Swisher, newest member of the Chicago White Sox, was arrested early Sunday morning after police raided a meth lab near 35th and Shields. Swisher, along with two Sox fans, was found carrying an undisclosed amount of the highly addictive stimulant.
Swisher (left) enjoys some quality time with two members of his new fanbase.
“I’m having the time of my life!” slurred the new Sox outfielder. “White Sox fans are the best in the world! And they have the finest Cristy around, baby!”
[Editor’s note: At this point, Swisher was advised by his attorney, “Not to say another [freaking] word.”]
Swisher, known as a fan favorite and an affable clubhouse personality while in Oakland, is already doing his best to relate with the fans on the South Side of Chicago.
“Last night I got my first ‘booty bump,’” explained Swisher. “Who knew meth could be injected anally? I sure didn’t! What wonderful things I have already learned in my short time as a White Sox.”
[Editor’s note: At this point, Swisher’s attorney smacked him across the face with the back of his hand.]
“Swisher’s outgoing personality, grind-it-out style and high on-base percentage is just what the we were looking for,” said GM Kenny Williams. “If he has to do a little Stovetop on the side to maintain his status as ‘Fan Favorite,’ that’s Nick’s business…as long as he doesn’t get strung out on crack, like [name withheld]. Then we might have an issue.”
[Editor’s note: At this point, Swisher excused himself as, “his skin was crawling with aphids.”]
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Nick Swisher does not inject meth into his anus (or any other orifice). Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Sammy Sosa Calls Mitchell Report “A Farce”; “I’m not even in there!”
April 25, 2008
(La Hopa Hapa Rosa, D.R.) - Last month, Major League Baseball fans finally learned the definitive truth about the game they had loved for so many years with the release of Senator George Mitchell’s Report: the game has been tainted by steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs for many of those years.
The Mitchell Report detailed the extensive use of steroids and Human Growth Hormone by a number of stars, including former Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens, and former MVP Barry Bonds.
But one man thinks the Report got it all wrong: former Chicago Cub superstar Sammy Sosa.
“That Report. That thing. It is.. uh… bad. It not correct. It is… what is the word? A fart?” Sosa incoherently rambled to reports when asked about the Report. “Oh, oh. Not fart. Farts. That thing was a total farts.”
Sosa presumably meant “farce,” implying he doubted the validity of Senator Mitchell’s findings. Unprompted, Sosa continued.
“I mean seriously. That thing was so un-accurate. Me best friend, Big Mark McGwire was not in there. Alex Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Luis Gonzalez. I could go on. Ever-body knows these guys were on drugs. But we not in there. What a joke.”
But perhaps the worst part, Sosa said, were some of the included players. “Jerry Hairston? Are you kidding me? The only juice he was ever use was Sunny D.”
Sosa finally lamented that pitcher Kris Benson’s wife, Anna Benson was not in the report, refering to her as “the juiciest juiced-up” he’s ever seen. Sosa was leaving the Orioles at the end of 2005 as Benson was joining the team in 2006. “I seen her many times,” Sosa stammered, “and them things, is not natural. They enhanced like with human growth hor-mones.” At that point Sosa regressed into an incomprehensible dialect and said he had to “get to clubhouse to cork [his] bat.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Sammy did not really say these things, and I’m sure there’s a good reason he was not in the Report. You know, mostly because the two witnesses were from the Yankees and Mets. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: ESPN Launches New Channel - ESPNSantana
April 25, 2008
;)
“That’s right, folks. It’s exactly what you have all been asking for,” ESPN director of promotions Larry Swift said Wednesday. “All Johan, all the time. Did you know he used the bathroom today? Ah, but did he go number 1 or number 2? Find out, tonight at 8 on ‘Shitting with Santana,’ only on ESPNSantana.”
Roger Clemens distracted by “that Flitwick-lookin’ dude” during Congressional Hearing
April 25, 2008
(Washington, D.C.) — The Roger Clemens performance-enhancing drug scandal finally came to a head today, when Clemens faced a stinging round of questions from members of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform — including a series of probing inquiries posed by “that weird lookin’ dude — you know — the one who looks like that little elf from Harry Potter?”
Mr. Clemens? Will you please point out to the committee which of these men is human with a dash of goblin ancestry?
When informed that the man in question is actually Henry Waxman, chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, and not Filius Flitwick, Charms Master at Hogwarts and the head of Ravenclaw, Clemens responded, “Oh yeah? Then how did he trick me into touching my face, throat and mouth as I was talking? How did he get me to keep touching and scratching my nose and behind my ear? That was purely involuntary — that elfin mother[sic] had me hypnotized!”
Clemens quickly added, “And how else would he have made that one guy [Rep. Davis] ask me if I recalled bleeding through my pants in 2001? That’s wizardry shit!”
After Mr. Clemens attorney told his client that excessive and involuntary touching of one’s face is often an indication that the person is not telling the truth, Roger gave pause.
“OK. Fine. But how do you explain me not being able to make eye contact with anyone?” asked Clemens. “Ummm-uh. Yep. Wizard shit.”
Filius Flitwick — I mean, Henry Waxman — was not available for comment.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Henry Waxman doesn’t resemble Filius Flitwick, or anyone else from Harry Potter (am I scratching my nose too much right now?). Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Flashback Headlines
- Jim Hendry to Replace Rosie O’Donnell on ‘The View’
- Sammy Sosa Calls Mitchell Report “A Farce”; “I’m not even in there!”
- Geovany Soto Misunderstands “Pitchers and Catchers Due to Report Date;” Comes to Camp with Dr. Seuss Book Report
- Opinion: I Will Kill You for your iPhone
- Matsuzaka: “I’m Pretty [Freaking] Tired of Me Already”
- Sammy Sosa on Comeback: “The steroids have really helped!”
- Without Anything of Hank Aaron’s to Break This Week, Despondent Bonds Breaks Hank Goldberg’s Hover-Round
- Lilly Looking Forward to “Being Like Those People in the Valtrex Commercials”
- Cubs Suspicious of Ramirez’s Latest Ailment: Bulimia
- NEWSBRIEF: Ryan Theriot “Thanks God” There’s a ‘Step Up 2′ - Laments That There Was Not Enough Hip-Hop Action in ‘Step Up 1′
