Baltimore Orioles Make Unsuccessful Offer to Peyton Manning

March 11, 2012

(Baltimore, MD) – It’s been a rough offseason for the Baltimore Orioles. Scratch that. It’s been a rough few years for the Baltimore Orioles.

Correction. It’s been a rough decade for the Baltimore Orioles. After fighting their way to the basement of the brutal AL East, the franchise repeatedly finds itself un-chosen by the very free agents who could possibly help drag it back to respectability.

And it’s happened once again. Read more

Jim Hendry Joins New York Yankees, Hands Out No-Trade Clauses Like So Many Pieces of Candy

February 1, 2012

(New York, NY) – It he’s looking to keep his players around, New York Yankees’ General Manager Brian Cashman will have some help this season.

Yesterday, the Yankees hired former Chicago Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry as a Special Assistant. This morning, Hendry was already hard at work. Read more

Cliff Lee’s “The Decision” to Air Tomorrow Night

December 9, 2010

(Dallas, TX) – The MLB hot stove is in full swing as the Winter Meetings conclude today. But even with all the heat, the top free agent on the market remains unsigned.

Starting pitcher Cliff Lee is being pursued by multiple teams, including his “hometown” Texas Rangers, but he hasn’t yet given an indication of which seven year, $140+ million deal he’s going to accept. We’re sure it’s agonizing.

Fortunately for everyone, Lee is expected to announce his decision on a broadcast tomorrow night, aptly titled “The Decision.” Read more

MLB Cancels World Series After Yankees, Phillies Fail to Qualify

October 24, 2010

(New York, NY) – The Major League Baseball season is over, so says an official statement from┬áCommissioner┬áBud Selig’s office.

Most sports fans know that the 2010 World Series has yet to be played after the Texas Rangers defeated the New York Yankees in the American League Championship Series, and the San Francisco Giants dispatched the Philadelphia Phillies in the National League Championship Series. Shouldn’t, therefore, the Rangers and Giants now meet up in the World Series?

There’s no point, says MLB. Read more

Ozzie Guillen’s Twitter Account Clearly Hacked

March 3, 2010

(Chicago, IL) – The baseball world is preparing for the start of Spring Training games, but the biggest news is still coming from off the field.

Last week, it was revealed that Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had signed up for a Twitter account, and would be tweeting his thoughts throughout the season. Guillen, known for his no-hold’s-barred communication style, promised the experience to be fun and interesting for all of his fans.

But shortly after Guillen signed up, something must have gone wrong. Surely the tweets that started appearing couldn’t actually be coming from Ozzie. Read more

Yankees Using 27th Championship to Prop Up Garage Door

November 14, 2009

garage-trophy(New York, NY) – The New York Yankees are the toast of town once again. For the 27th time in their storied history, the Yankees are World Series champions. And the team seemed very excited about it when they left the field last week to celebrate.

But now that the glow of winning has passed, the Yankees seem decidedly less enthused about having another championship trophy. Read more

Matt Holliday Unsuccessfully Tries to Catch Remote with Groin

November 7, 2009

(St. Louis, MO) – The 2009 baseball season is finally behind us, the playoffs and World Series having concluded this week. This year’s effort was full of tremendous plays and indelible memories. For Cubs and Cardinals fans alike, one such memory, imprinted on our brains, is the picture of Cardinals outfielder Matt Holiday dropping a crucial fly ball in game 2 of the NLDS.

The fly ball, as if drawn by a higher power, somehow avoided Holliday’s extended glove, and planted itself squarely into Holliday’s groin. It was as if America’s Funniest Home Videos was filming on location. And now, Holliday says, it’s gotten worse. Read more

Jake Peavy Accepts Trade to White Sox, Reluctantly Agrees to Requisite Lobotomy

August 1, 2009

peavy-lobotomy(Chicago, IL) – The Major League Baseball trade deadline has come and gone, and the most shocking move of all was the trade of San Diego Padres ace Jake Peavy to the Chicago White Sox.

It was shocking not only because rumors of a trade involving Peavy – who is currently injured – had died down significantly, but also because Peavy had already rejected a trade to the Chicago White Sox earlier this year. It was surprise to both sides that Peavy had changed his mind, and would agree to a trade to the Sox – and the mandatory full-frontal lobotomy that accompanies a successful transition to the Chicago White Sox. Read more

Dustin Pedroia “Just Being Manny”

April 16, 2009

(Boston, MA) – The 2009 baseball season is up and kicking, and although interesting stories abound, none seems to capture the national imagination more than anything and everything about Manny Ramirez. From his bizarre exit from Boston last year, to his will-he-won’t-he sign with Los Angeles, folks just can’t seem to get enough of Manny’s antics.

Of course, Red Sox fans were mildly relieved to see his tiresome act ride off into the sunset, and his performance was ably replaced by a new MVP-calibre player: second baseman Dustin Pedroia.

But unfortunately for them, Manny’s baseball production wasn’t the only thing that Dusty Pedroia replaced.

Read more

ESPN Concludes Yankees Will Win National League Central

April 6, 2009

(Bristol, CT) – It’s here. It’s finally here.

Opening Day, and all the wonder that comes with it. Peanuts, cracker jacks, cripplingly overpriced tickets. And of course, it brings out all the prognosticators. Who will win the MVP? Who will be a break out star? Who will win it all?

Sports network monolith ESPN recently went about making its predictions for the 2009 baseball season. Some predictions were to be expected, but some others were a bit more surprising.

Read more

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