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Ozzie Guillen’s Twitter Account Clearly Hacked

March 3, 2010

(Chicago, IL) – The baseball world is preparing for the start of Spring Training games, but the biggest news is still coming from off the field.

Last week, it was revealed that Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had signed up for a Twitter account, and would be tweeting his thoughts throughout the season. Guillen, known for his no-hold’s-barred communication style, promised the experience to be fun and interesting for all of his fans.

But shortly after Guillen signed up, something must have gone wrong. Surely the tweets that started appearing couldn’t actually be coming from Ozzie. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Baseball | 1 Comment 

Yankees Using 27th Championship to Prop Up Garage Door

November 14, 2009

garage-trophy(New York, NY) – The New York Yankees are the toast of town once again. For the 27th time in their storied history, the Yankees are World Series champions. And the team seemed very excited about it when they left the field last week to celebrate.

But now that the glow of winning has passed, the Yankees seem decidedly less enthused about having another championship trophy. Read more

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Matt Holliday Unsuccessfully Tries to Catch Remote with Groin

November 7, 2009

(St. Louis, MO) – The 2009 baseball season is finally behind us, the playoffs and World Series having concluded this week. This year’s effort was full of tremendous plays and indelible memories. For Cubs and Cardinals fans alike, one such memory, imprinted on our brains, is the picture of Cardinals outfielder Matt Holiday dropping a crucial fly ball in game 2 of the NLDS.

The fly ball, as if drawn by a higher power, somehow avoided Holliday’s extended glove, and planted itself squarely into Holliday’s groin. It was as if America’s Funniest Home Videos was filming on location. And now, Holliday says, it’s gotten worse. Read more

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Jake Peavy Accepts Trade to White Sox, Reluctantly Agrees to Requisite Lobotomy

August 1, 2009

peavy-lobotomy(Chicago, IL) – The Major League Baseball trade deadline has come and gone, and the most shocking move of all was the trade of San Diego Padres ace Jake Peavy to the Chicago White Sox.

It was shocking not only because rumors of a trade involving Peavy – who is currently injured – had died down significantly, but also because Peavy had already rejected a trade to the Chicago White Sox earlier this year. It was surprise to both sides that Peavy had changed his mind, and would agree to a trade to the Sox – and the mandatory full-frontal lobotomy that accompanies a successful transition to the Chicago White Sox. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Baseball | 1 Comment 

Dustin Pedroia “Just Being Manny”

April 16, 2009

(Boston, MA) – The 2009 baseball season is up and kicking, and although interesting stories abound, none seems to capture the national imagination more than anything and everything about Manny Ramirez. From his bizarre exit from Boston last year, to his will-he-won’t-he sign with Los Angeles, folks just can’t seem to get enough of Manny’s antics.

Of course, Red Sox fans were mildly relieved to see his tiresome act ride off into the sunset, and his performance was ably replaced by a new MVP-calibre player: second baseman Dustin Pedroia.

But unfortunately for them, Manny’s baseball production wasn’t the only thing that Dusty Pedroia replaced.

Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Baseball, The 5-Minute Superfan | 2 Comments 

ESPN Concludes Yankees Will Win National League Central

April 6, 2009

(Bristol, CT) – It’s here. It’s finally here.

Opening Day, and all the wonder that comes with it. Peanuts, cracker jacks, cripplingly overpriced tickets. And of course, it brings out all the prognosticators. Who will win the MVP? Who will be a break out star? Who will win it all?

Sports network monolith ESPN recently went about making its predictions for the 2009 baseball season. Some predictions were to be expected, but some others were a bit more surprising.

Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Baseball, Chicago Cubs | 3 Comments 

WBC Pits World’s Best Backups and Minor Leaguers Against Each Other for Some Reason

March 3, 2009

(The World, The World) – This week kicks off the third, or fourth, or something, annual World Baseball Classic. The international baseball tournament will find countries squaring off against each other for a huge cash prize – or it might actually just be pride.

It’s going to be very exciting. Probably.

Read more

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Drug Use Explains Alex Rodriguez’s Gross Old Woman Fetish

February 9, 2009

(New York, NY) – By now you, and everyone else in the world, has heard about Alex Rodriguez’s positive test for steroids in 2003. The reaction has been as swift as it has been hostile.

But it hasn’t been universally so. In fact, the reaction from many of those closest to Rodriguez has been that of relief. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Baseball | 3 Comments 

Sammy Sosa Wants to Come Back, Teams Question His Playing Shape

December 31, 2008

(Miami, FL) – This offseason has already seen contracts dolled out for the older crew in MLB. Randy Johnson, 45, just signed with the Giants, and 46-year-old Jamie Moyer just got a two-year deal with the Phillies. So if old is the new young, why is 40-year-old former superstar slugger Sammy Sosa having such trouble getting a deal?

Some say it is his age and declining skillset. Some say it is his me-first attitude. But others point to certain rule changes that occurred in the twilight of Sosa’s career that have limited his, um, physique. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Baseball | 4 Comments 

San Francisco Giants Head to Washington Seeking Bailout

December 5, 2008

giants brian sabean testimony

(Washington, DC) – Our nation is facing its most serious economic crisis in decades, and seemingly no one is unaffected. From our financial institutions to our automakers, so many businesses are underwater and need help.

As we enter the busiest part of the baseball offseason, for a few days, it seemed possible that MLB teams would avoid the crisis, with the exception of the Chicago Cubs. But just yesterday, it was revealed that one team is as highly-leveraged and poorly run as the other failing institutions. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Baseball | 2 Comments 

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