Yesterday, the Yankees hired former Chicago Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry as a Special Assistant. This morning, Hendry was already hard at work.

Hendry, 56, has always been known as a “player’s general manager,” and he wasted no time making a good name for himself with Yankees’ players.

“Yeah, you know, I’m the new guy in town and I’m just looking to be well-liked,” Hendry explained as he high-fived struggling pitcher AJ Burnett. “I don’t have a lot of money, but I wanted to get everyone a get-to-know-you gift. So I gave them all no-trade clauses.”

Standing in front of the team assembled for his welcome meeting, Hendry exclaimed like an older, male Oprah: “You get a no-trade clause! And you get a no-trade clause! And you get a no-trade clause!”

Hendry even managed to give a no-trade clause to players who couldn’t be in attendance.

“I can’t say how I did it, but when Russell Martin checks under his pillow tonight, he’s going to find something special.”

One thing is for sure: after hiring Hendry, the New York Yankees‘ MLB Betting Odds certainly went up.

Starting pitcher Cliff Lee is being pursued by multiple teams, including his “hometown” Texas Rangers, but he hasn’t yet given an indication of which seven year, $140+ million deal he’s going to accept. We’re sure it’s agonizing.

Fortunately for everyone, Lee is expected to announce his decision on a broadcast tomorrow night, aptly titled “The Decision.”

“I just want to make the most of my moment in the sun, and tell the world where I’ll be taking my talents next year,” Lee explained on Thursday. “And if I can break the hearts of literally hundreds of Ranger fans in the process, all the better.”

The program will air simultaneously on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, ESPN Classic, ESPN News, ESPN Deportes, ESPN3.com, and the Oxygen Network.

Most sports fans know that the 2010 World Series has yet to be played after the Texas Rangers defeated the New York Yankees in the American League Championship Series, and the San Francisco Giants dispatched the Philadelphia Phillies in the National League Championship Series. Shouldn’t, therefore, the Rangers and Giants now meet up in the World Series?

There’s no point, says MLB.

“As everyone knows, the Rangers and Giants do not have any fans,” MLB’s statement read. “We simply can’t risk having a World Series game where no one shows up. The black eye that it would cause could have ramifications for years.”

“Fans of Major League Baseball live in three cities: New York, Boston, and Philadelphia. There is a small pocket of fans in urban Los Angeles, but with little disposable income, we’ve been reluctant to explore that market.”

“With those considerations in mind,” the statement concluded, “the World Series is deemed superfluous, and the 2010 season will end in a tie between the Yankees and Phillies.”

When asked about the tens of thousands of fans in the Ballpark at Arlington who were cheering elatedly as the Rangers closed out the Yankees this week, MLB offered the simple explanation: “All Yankee fans, and they simply assumed that the Yankees had won.”

Last week, it was revealed that Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had signed up for a Twitter account, and would be tweeting his thoughts throughout the season. Guillen, known for his no-hold’s-barred communication style, promised the experience to be fun and interesting for all of his fans.

But shortly after Guillen signed up, something must have gone wrong. Surely the tweets that started appearing couldn’t actually be coming from Ozzie.

Guillen’s Twitter, which offers an unabashed look at the White Sox manager, has been a nearly incoherent stream of typed diarrhea, featuring such treats – er, tweets – as “My fav you tube video is ced the entertainer on zab judah don’t ever play with matchessss,” and “Dr drew I like you work very very patient guy I wish I have that abilities u have.”

But some people claim Guillen’s Twitter is not what it seems. They claim that someone has taken control of Ozzie’s account.

The group, called Ozzie’s Twitter Was Actually Taken and using an unfortunate acronym therefrom, is a group of professionals and Wal-Mart employees dedicated to finding out the truth behind the embarrassingly awful tweets. Their leader, Thomas Penders of the South Side, says that the fact that they all just happen to be White Sox fans is a coincidence.

“From our forensic analysis,” Penders explained, “we have established that Ozzie Guillen’s Twitter account was hacked approximately one to four minutes after he signed up for Twitter.”

“This is, of course, not based on a scrubbing of actual database information. We can tell from analyzing the account’s tweets. We know Ozzie, and he is an articulate, Wadsworthian, lyrical master. He’s not someone who says things like ‘Eating my favorite food suchi nice palys sakana suchi and grill tell then iam send you hear lol yessss,’ which was posted just a few minutes ago.”

Guillen is more eloquent than other recent tweets – “Let’s doe we all ready to go,” “Iam very bad playing texas holder,” and “mlb network guys awesome job..Harold R…can’t have twitter account bc no one follow u lol” – would suggest, says Penders.

“If you’ve ever spent five minutes with Ozzie, or watched him on TV, then you know he could not be responsible for these tweets. We need to catch the prankster who has done this to Ozzie before the rest of the world starts to get the wrong idea about him.”

Editor’s note: Yes, we usually make up our quotes, but we feel it important to note for this article that the tweets used actually come from Ozzie Guillen’s twitter account. He makes our job easy.

But now that the glow of winning has passed, the Yankees seem decidedly less enthused about having another championship trophy.

“Look, I don’t want to come off a bitter type,” the Chicago Cubs said after a visit to the home of their long-time friend, the Yankees in the Bronx. “The Yankees and me, we’re friends. So it’s not that. It’s just that, I mean. I think sometimes the Yankees don’t quite get how fortunate they are to have 27 World Series trophies.”

The Cubs went on to explain that, as the team pulled up into the Yankees’ driveway, he couldn’t help but notice a glimmering trophy sticking out from under the Yankees’ garage door. It was this year’s World Series trophy, and it was propping up a damaged garage door.

“It was really ridiculous,” the Cubs said. “I mean, I would die to have just another one of those, and there it is, just sitting under the Yankees’ freaking garage door. It isn’t right.”

For his part, the Yankees doesn’t really see the big deal.

“Am I glad I have another one? Sure,” the Yankees said. “It’s gold. Or gold-plated or something. So I mean, I’m sure it’s worth something. But I live in a two bedroom townhouse, ok? What the hell am I supposed to do with 27 of those things?”

“I use one as a tie rack. I had another one converted into a biday. Now when I say I wipe my ass with World Series trophies, it’s kind of true. Don’t actually do it, though. Made that mistake one. I was picking little gold flags out of there for weeks.”

The fly ball, as if drawn by a higher power, somehow avoided Holliday’s extended glove, and planted itself squarely into Holliday’s groin. It was as if America’s Funniest Home Videos was filming on location. And now, Holliday says, it’s gotten worse.

“Look, I feel terrible about that play,” Holliday said of the groin drop. “It was one of those spur of the moment decisions. Glove or groin? Glove or groin? Obviously in retrospect, I should have gone with glove. But I really thought I could snatch that ball with my highly evolved pubis, and if I did, it would crush the Dodgers’ spirit.”

Holliday says the attempted groin catches neither began nor ended with the playoff gaffe.

“I’ve always tried to catch stuff with my crotch. I guess it started when I was a baton twirler in the marching band,” Holliday explained. “And as I grew older, my attempts grew more exotic. Footballs, frisbees, a sports book, wild birds, watermelons. I had gotten pretty good. Heck, I even once caught the flu with my groin. Don’t worry, it wasn’t the swine flu. I would never let a pig down there. Probably.”

“So I was confident I could pull it off in the playoffs. And when it didn’t happen, I was really distraught. I haven’t felt like myself since then.”

Holliday says he’s been trying to get the crotch magic back.

“I’ve tried to catch everything in the world with my man sack, but it just isn’t working. My wife tossed me the remote control the other night, and I just couldn’t catch it with my groin. I did hit the channel button, though. Of course, it wound up on Lifetime, but I didn’t have the spirit to change it.”

But Holliday says he’s had plenty of chances to get back on the horse, so to speak.

“Yeah, I mean, I’m getting plenty of opportunities to catch stuff with my groin lately. It just seems like, ever since the playoffs, balls keep flying at my crotch. That came out wrong. What I’m saying is that, lately, my sack is like a magnet for other guys’ balls. No. No. That’s not right either. Stuff just keeps coming at my groin.”

As a free agent, Holliday is looking forward to taking his schtick elsewhere.

“Maybe New York,” Holliday guessed. “I could see myself there. Or maybe Philadelphia. I hear they throw batteries.”

And now a word from site friends:

To bet on your favorite team, the Cubs, click here.

It was shocking not only because rumors of a trade involving Peavy – who is currently injured – had died down significantly, but also because Peavy had already rejected a trade to the Chicago White Sox earlier this year. It was surprise to both sides that Peavy had changed his mind, and would agree to a trade to the Sox – and the mandatory full-frontal lobotomy that accompanies a successful transition to the Chicago White Sox.“I’ll admit, when the Padres first tried to trade me to the White Sox, I wasn’t thrilled about it,” Peavy said yesterday when the trade was announced. “And, yes, I did use my no-trade clause to reject the trade. At the time, I just didn’t feel like it was the right move for me and my career to play for the White Sox, and you know, be forcibly made retarded. But now I’m open to it.”

“You look at the White Sox players, and yeah, they’re ugly. They drool. I’m fairly certain that several can’t read. But you know what? They sure look happy. I’m scared, but I’m ready to try it.”

The procedure, commonly known as AJ Pierzynski Surgery after the catcher who made the procedure famous, involves a removal of the frontal lobe – the speech, class, dignity, and hygeine center of the brain. It is designed to ease the transition of a new player into the unique culture of the Chicago White Sox. And from the looks of it, it works.

This morning, following his procedure, Peavy was in much better spirits about his new team.

“I like me um Sox for Ozzie. Die tell you Cubs suck? I pitch to AJ he friend mine. [wipes drool from chin] Put me on the board yes.”

Of course, Red Sox fans were mildly relieved to see his tiresome act ride off into the sunset, and his performance was ably replaced by a new MVP-calibre player: second baseman Dustin Pedroia.

But unfortunately for them, Manny’s baseball production wasn’t the only thing that Dusty Pedroia replaced.

“I’d say it was mid-September when the unpleasantness started,” Red Sox clubhouse attendant Harry Port said. “Dustin came into the clubhouse in the fourth inning of a game against the Orioles, and instead of urinating in the toilet, he urinated in my pocket.”

“I shouted, ‘Dustin, what the heck are you doing,’ but he just kept going. It was like someone had poked a little hole in a 40 gallon drum of apple juice. And when he was done, he looked at me and said, ‘Don’t be mad. That’s just Dustin being Manny.’”

Pedroia’s strange behavior deteriorated rapidly from there, culminating in a $40,000 transformation of his MVP trophy into a spinning, diamond necklace. And it hasn’t stopped with the new season.

“It’s a real chore to deal with Pedroia now,” manager Terry Francona said. “He comes and goes as he pleases, makes hilarious but frustratingly ridiculous plays in the field. He keeps saying he’s ‘just being Manny,’ but that’s only going to be sort of funny for so long.”

“He’s decided to sit out for a week due to a bout with lactose intolerance, but I don’t think he really has it. Hell, I don’t think he really understands what it is. He said he’s sick and tired of all the bigotry and intolerance hurled at the Lactoids, and he’ll sit out until it’s remedied. And then he ate a little baggy of fingernails.”

“And I don’t know if it’s some kind of MLB baseball betting or some other kind of sports betting online, but it’s pretty clear that he’s been fixing games. Dropping pop flies, not running plays out. And the other day he was intentionally walked, but he told the umpire the pitches were clearly strikes and he sat back down.”

For his part, Manny has been trying to clean up his act in his new home, Los Angeles.

“I’ve been good, for sure,” Manny said earlier this week. “No antics, and at least 50 percent fewer shenanigans. And on Sunday, a fan sent me her cat, asking me to dress it up in a Dodger uniform and let it play a few innings in left field in my place. I only let it play one inning. I’m getting better.”

Opening Day, and all the wonder that comes with it. Peanuts, cracker jacks, cripplingly overpriced tickets. And of course, it brings out all the prognosticators. Who will win the MVP? Who will be a break out star? Who will win it all?

Sports network monolith ESPN recently went about making its predictions for the 2009 baseball season. Some predictions were to be expected, but some others were a bit more surprising.

ESPN’s baseball tonight, featuring inspired commentary from John Kruk, set about making its predictions for the upcoming season last night. The crew began by predictably predicting that the leading contenders to win the World Series all come from the American League East – the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox, and the reigning AL champions, the Tampa Bay Rays.

But then the predictions got a little more interesting.

The analysts bounced around the Major Leagues, predicting various divisions. When they arrived at the National League Central, Chicago Cubs fans’ ears perked up to hear all about how the team is set to dominate. The question of who would win the NL Central went to new commentator Dave Winfield, and his response?

“The Chicago Cubs look solid this year, but I don’t think they’ll have enough in the bullpen to overcome the Yankees in the Central.”

Alarmingly, the rest of the Baseball Tonight crew agreed.

“The Cubs will have trouble replacing the versatility of Mark DeRosa,” Tim Kurkijan said. “And when you’re going head to head with the Yankees for a divsion crown, you need a really deep bench.”

“Alex Rodriguez’s absence, the aging core of the team, and the fact that the Yankees do not play in the NL Central is not going to stop them,” John Kruk concurred. “They signed Mark Teixiera. They’re unstoppable.”

The AL East dominance did not end there.

After giving the AL Cy Young award to Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett, analyst Peter Gammons concluded Beckett would also win the award for the National League. Gammons also predicted that Dustin Pedroia would repeat as American League MVP, would win a Silver Slugger award in the National League, and would also be awarded the Stanley Cup.

The Baltimore Orioles did not fare as well – the team was picked to finish last in the AL East, the AL West, the NL East, and the MGCA Greater Baltimore Girls Tennis Association Cup.

It’s going to be very exciting. Probably.

The countries will play each other for a couple weeks, or something like that, and then a team will win. Or maybe it’s like, double elimination or something.  All we know is that it’s really important, maybe.

The team are supposed to feature the best players from each country, but this year, the teams instead focused on picking up Major League backups and minor leaguers. Presumably there’s a reason for that, but Classic officials haven’t yet revealed that reason. They are presumably protecting a big secret.

The WBC is very important for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that the tournament determines home field advantage in the All-Star Game, I think.

The United States is believed to have a team in the tournament, so be sure to check your local listings to see if the games are televised.