Nick Swisher on Arrest for Methamphetamine Possession; “Just Trying to Relate to My New Fans”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Nick Swisher, newest member of the Chicago White Sox, was arrested early Sunday morning after police raided a meth lab near 35th and Shields. Swisher, along with two Sox fans, was found carrying an undisclosed amount of the highly addictive stimulant.
Swisher (left) enjoys some quality time with two members of his new fanbase.
“I’m having the time of my life!” slurred the new Sox outfielder. “White Sox fans are the best in the world! And they have the finest Cristy around, baby!”
[Editor’s note: At this point, Swisher was advised by his attorney, “Not to say another [freaking] word.”]
Swisher, known as a fan favorite and an affable clubhouse personality while in Oakland, is already doing his best to relate with the fans on the South Side of Chicago.
“Last night I got my first ‘booty bump,’” explained Swisher. “Who knew meth could be injected anally? I sure didn’t! What wonderful things I have already learned in my short time as a White Sox.”
[Editor’s note: At this point, Swisher’s attorney smacked him across the face with the back of his hand.]
“Swisher’s outgoing personality, grind-it-out style and high on-base percentage is just what the we were looking for,” said GM Kenny Williams. “If he has to do a little Stovetop on the side to maintain his status as ‘Fan Favorite,’ that’s Nick’s business…as long as he doesn’t get strung out on crack, like [name withheld]. Then we might have an issue.”
[Editor’s note: At this point, Swisher excused himself as, “his skin was crawling with aphids.”]
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Nick Swisher does not inject meth into his anus (or any other orifice). Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Sammy Sosa Calls Mitchell Report “A Farce”; “I’m not even in there!”
April 25, 2008
(La Hopa Hapa Rosa, D.R.) - Last month, Major League Baseball fans finally learned the definitive truth about the game they had loved for so many years with the release of Senator George Mitchell’s Report: the game has been tainted by steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs for many of those years.
The Mitchell Report detailed the extensive use of steroids and Human Growth Hormone by a number of stars, including former Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens, and former MVP Barry Bonds.
But one man thinks the Report got it all wrong: former Chicago Cub superstar Sammy Sosa.
“That Report. That thing. It is.. uh… bad. It not correct. It is… what is the word? A fart?” Sosa incoherently rambled to reports when asked about the Report. “Oh, oh. Not fart. Farts. That thing was a total farts.”
Sosa presumably meant “farce,” implying he doubted the validity of Senator Mitchell’s findings. Unprompted, Sosa continued.
“I mean seriously. That thing was so un-accurate. Me best friend, Big Mark McGwire was not in there. Alex Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Luis Gonzalez. I could go on. Ever-body knows these guys were on drugs. But we not in there. What a joke.”
But perhaps the worst part, Sosa said, were some of the included players. “Jerry Hairston? Are you kidding me? The only juice he was ever use was Sunny D.”
Sosa finally lamented that pitcher Kris Benson’s wife, Anna Benson was not in the report, refering to her as “the juiciest juiced-up” he’s ever seen. Sosa was leaving the Orioles at the end of 2005 as Benson was joining the team in 2006. “I seen her many times,” Sosa stammered, “and them things, is not natural. They enhanced like with human growth hor-mones.” At that point Sosa regressed into an incomprehensible dialect and said he had to “get to clubhouse to cork [his] bat.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Sammy did not really say these things, and I’m sure there’s a good reason he was not in the Report. You know, mostly because the two witnesses were from the Yankees and Mets. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: ESPN Launches New Channel - ESPNSantana
April 25, 2008
;)
“That’s right, folks. It’s exactly what you have all been asking for,” ESPN director of promotions Larry Swift said Wednesday. “All Johan, all the time. Did you know he used the bathroom today? Ah, but did he go number 1 or number 2? Find out, tonight at 8 on ‘Shitting with Santana,’ only on ESPNSantana.”
Roger Clemens distracted by “that Flitwick-lookin’ dude” during Congressional Hearing
April 25, 2008
(Washington, D.C.) — The Roger Clemens performance-enhancing drug scandal finally came to a head today, when Clemens faced a stinging round of questions from members of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform — including a series of probing inquiries posed by “that weird lookin’ dude — you know — the one who looks like that little elf from Harry Potter?”
Mr. Clemens? Will you please point out to the committee which of these men is human with a dash of goblin ancestry?
When informed that the man in question is actually Henry Waxman, chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, and not Filius Flitwick, Charms Master at Hogwarts and the head of Ravenclaw, Clemens responded, “Oh yeah? Then how did he trick me into touching my face, throat and mouth as I was talking? How did he get me to keep touching and scratching my nose and behind my ear? That was purely involuntary — that elfin mother[sic] had me hypnotized!”
Clemens quickly added, “And how else would he have made that one guy [Rep. Davis] ask me if I recalled bleeding through my pants in 2001? That’s wizardry shit!”
After Mr. Clemens attorney told his client that excessive and involuntary touching of one’s face is often an indication that the person is not telling the truth, Roger gave pause.
“OK. Fine. But how do you explain me not being able to make eye contact with anyone?” asked Clemens. “Ummm-uh. Yep. Wizard shit.”
Filius Flitwick — I mean, Henry Waxman — was not available for comment.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Henry Waxman doesn’t resemble Filius Flitwick, or anyone else from Harry Potter (am I scratching my nose too much right now?). Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Corey Hart Tired of Everyone Suggesting He Switch His Auto Insurance Provider
April 25, 2008
“The first time some fan behind the plate yelled at me about switching my auto insurance to GEICO, I just brushed it off,” said Hart. “But the next day, [Brewers left fielder] Ryan Braun asked me if my current auto insurance provider’s [Allstate] Web site is intuitive enough to meet my needs. After that, the public interest in my insurance needs skyrocketed. I don’t get it. Do people think I’m a bad driver or something?”
“WHAT THE [HECK] IS SO [GOSH DARN] SPECIAL ABOUT MOTHER [FLIPPING] GEICO, ANYWAY? TELL ME!”
Hart’s driving record is clean and he hasn’t made an insurance claim since his teenage years when he got into a minor fender-bender in the Waffle House parking lot in his hometown of Bowling Green, Kentucky. With a wife and three kids, his rates are very reasonable and he has never had an issue with Allstate.
“Yeah. You’re right — my driving record is solid. Can you see why I’m confused?” asked Hart. “Is there something I’m missing? Does GEICO have some sort of nationwide referral program?”
GEICO spokeswoman Eileen Speidel was contacted earlier this week and informed the Times Monitor Standard Courier that there is no nationwide referral program.
“Oh, by the way…if anyone runs into Ned Yost, could you tell him that I can pay my bills online with Allstate just fine and I don’t need to take a look at the easy and eye-appealing layout at www.geico.com. You can also tell him he’s an a-hole, while you’re at it.”
When contacted by the Times Monitor Standard Courier, Hart’s agent replied, “Do you know this Speidel chick over at GEICO? Ever since you contacted her, she’s been all over my back about some sort of endorsement deal for my client. Do I need to make an official statement? Fine. Here goes — Mr. Hart is 100% satisfied with his current auto insurance provider. He has no plans to switch his coverage now or in the future. OK? Got it?”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. We’re unsure of who actually insures Corey Hart’s vehicles…but someone should really let him know how easy GEICO’s Web site is to navigate. Really. It’s incredibly easy. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
MLB Plagued by Rash of Teams That Don’t Realize They Suck
April 25, 2008
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(Baltimore, MD; Kansas City, MO; St. Louis, MO; Chicago, IL; Arlington, TX; Miami, FL; Cincinnati, OH) - The first week and a half is in the books for Major League Baseball, but many of the division standings look utterly upside down. That’s because there are several teams that have apparently briefly forgotten that they suck.
“We haven’t seen anything like this since the Kansas City Royals took a multigame lead in the AL Central deep into August back in 2003,” ESPN’S Tim Kurkjin said Friday morning. “They had completely forgotten how shitty they were supposed to be. I made sure to write them a letter to remind them, and sure enough, they fell back into their proper place from there.”
So far this season, the Baltimore Orioles, the Kansas City Royals, the St. Louis Cardinals, the Chicago White Sox, the Texas Rangers, the Florida Marlins, and the Cincinnati Reds all have winning records, all stand near the top of their division, and most importantly, all have the constitution of a mid-major college women’s softball team.
“We don’t really know what to do about it,” MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said at a press conference on Thursday. “Yes, it’s a problem. It’s pervasive, and we need to deal with it. But it’s difficult, because these teams are so bad, but obviously just have no clue that they have no business winning games this year.”
“I mean, come on. The Cardinal rotation looks like the rotation in my grandson’s little league team. And they wear helmets on and off the field, if you know what I mean.”
“The Marlins’ entire payroll is less than Alex Rodriguez’s salary. That’s not schtick. That’s a fact. And the Orioles. Dear God. I mean, they are desperately awaiting Freddy Bynum’s return from the DL. Freddy [freaking] Bynum!”
“We’re just glad that the Devil Rays - excuse me - the Rays have finally dipped back under .500,” Selig continued. “As a league, we’re strong enough to stand a good Marlins team or a good Cardinals team, but the Rays. Well, that’s bigger than baseball, and could have taken us down.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. This is a joke. These teams obviously realize they suck. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Miguel Tejada Admits He Lied About His Age; Probably Shouldn’t Have Played in Little League World Series Last Year
April 25, 2008
;)
Though he said he should not have played, Tejada said “You’ve got to admit, I was the most dominant Little Leaguer since that Danny Almonte. What an amazing 12 year old he was.”
Rafael Furcal: “I was drunk when I crashed into Derrek Lee last year”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - As the Cubs prepare to open a critical four-game tilt against the Los Angeles Dodgers later today, the Dodgers’ starting shortstop was preparing to open something of his own: his heart.
Rafael Furcal, 30, signed a lucrative three-year contract with the Dodgers before the 2006 season after a string alcohol-related problems, including two DUI arrests. Some teams feared the shortstop might be a distraction, and shied away from the talented but troubled Furcal. The Dodgers believed in Furcal, believed he could clean up his life, and took a chance on him. They have been rewarded by his play on the field, and his responsibility with alcohol off the field.
Or so they thought.
At a press conference late Sunday night, Rafael Furcal admitted something that, according to him, has been eating away at his insides for a year and a half, and that he had to get off his chest before his team played the Cubs again this year: he was intoxicated when he crashed into Chicago Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee in April of 2006.
;)
Initially after the crash, Furcal reportedly told a visibly injured Lee, “Let’s not report this thing, ok buddy? I’ll cut you a check, and it’ll all be ok,” before vomiting a little bit.
“It was a horrible mistake,” Furcal said of the incident which resulted in a broken wrist for Lee, and his missing 59 games and never fully recovering that year. “I didn’t realize how drunk I was when I picked up that bat, and I thought I could maintain, you know? But by the time I got to first base, I was all over the baseline, swerving back and forth. I’m sorry for what I did, and I’m just glad that nobody was killed.” Furcal ended his press conference by offering to “buy a few rounds” for the Cubs.
The Dodgers are considering the full panoply of remedies to ensure Furcal stays on the straight and narrow through the remainder of his contract, including installing an alcohol-breath analyzer on Furcal’s bats which would prevent him from batting if he could not blow into the bat sober. The team is also allowing M.O.D.A.B. (Mothers Opposed to Drunk-Ass Baseball) to give a presentation to the players on the dangers of mixing alcohol and 100 mph fastballs.
A Dodger spokesman denied that the team has ever considered releasing Furcal, however, because “he’s good and makes us money. Duh.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Rafael Furcal did not say or do these things, and has probably cleaned up his life by now, even if he is still a pud. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: One-Year Anniversary of Cory Lidle’s Death Passes - NYC Mayor Declares it OK to Wonder Who the Shit Cory Lidle is Again
April 25, 2008
“I wasn’t really sure who he was when I heard he died in a plane crash last year. Now I really don’t know. Is he that ’80s child star who was semi-gay with the other Cory?”
NEWSBRIEF: Cincinnati Reds Take Aim at 2009-2011 Number One Overall Picks, Hire Dusty Baker as Manager for 2008-2010
April 25, 2008
“It’s becoming very hard, especially in the NL Central, to get that number one pick anymore,” GM Wayne Krivisky said. “We believe Dusty gives us that losing edge. He sucks harder than a Gold Card-level hooker. Thanks. Thanks. I’ll be playing the Funny Bone next Thursday. Mention this quote and receive a George Foster sticker!”
Random Flashback Headlines
- SPECIAL REPORT: ZambranoGate - or; How Carlos Zambrano Learned to Stop Fighting the Crazy, and Start Fighting Michael Barrett
- Ward Wins One for the Cubs in Extras - Celebrates by Going on Pic-a-nic Basket Nabbing Spree
- Women’s College Basketball Tournament Finally Arrives!
- Tony LaRussa refuses to talk with Mills Fleet Farm representatives for entire weekend
- Lilly Looking Forward to “Being Like Those People in the Valtrex Commercials”
- Lilly Pitch Hits Renteria - Psychic Friend Umpire Cleo Wolf Ejects Cubs
- Lou Piniella Reminisces on Days When He Used to Manage a Team in Tampa Bay
- Tennis Vixen Anna Kournikova Loses Another Tournament; You Would Still Bang Her
- Running Low on Options, Mark Prior’s Doctors Recommend Emergency Episiotomy
- Dusty Baker Admits to Managing Under the Influence
