NEWSBRIEF: ESPN Launches New Channel - ESPNSantana
April 25, 2008
;)
“That’s right, folks. It’s exactly what you have all been asking for,” ESPN director of promotions Larry Swift said Wednesday. “All Johan, all the time. Did you know he used the bathroom today? Ah, but did he go number 1 or number 2? Find out, tonight at 8 on ‘Shitting with Santana,’ only on ESPNSantana.”
Roger Clemens distracted by “that Flitwick-lookin’ dude” during Congressional Hearing
April 25, 2008
(Washington, D.C.) — The Roger Clemens performance-enhancing drug scandal finally came to a head today, when Clemens faced a stinging round of questions from members of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform — including a series of probing inquiries posed by “that weird lookin’ dude — you know — the one who looks like that little elf from Harry Potter?”
Mr. Clemens? Will you please point out to the committee which of these men is human with a dash of goblin ancestry?
When informed that the man in question is actually Henry Waxman, chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, and not Filius Flitwick, Charms Master at Hogwarts and the head of Ravenclaw, Clemens responded, “Oh yeah? Then how did he trick me into touching my face, throat and mouth as I was talking? How did he get me to keep touching and scratching my nose and behind my ear? That was purely involuntary — that elfin mother[sic] had me hypnotized!”
Clemens quickly added, “And how else would he have made that one guy [Rep. Davis] ask me if I recalled bleeding through my pants in 2001? That’s wizardry shit!”
After Mr. Clemens attorney told his client that excessive and involuntary touching of one’s face is often an indication that the person is not telling the truth, Roger gave pause.
“OK. Fine. But how do you explain me not being able to make eye contact with anyone?” asked Clemens. “Ummm-uh. Yep. Wizard shit.”
Filius Flitwick — I mean, Henry Waxman — was not available for comment.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Henry Waxman doesn’t resemble Filius Flitwick, or anyone else from Harry Potter (am I scratching my nose too much right now?). Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Corey Hart Tired of Everyone Suggesting He Switch His Auto Insurance Provider
April 25, 2008
“The first time some fan behind the plate yelled at me about switching my auto insurance to GEICO, I just brushed it off,” said Hart. “But the next day, [Brewers left fielder] Ryan Braun asked me if my current auto insurance provider’s [Allstate] Web site is intuitive enough to meet my needs. After that, the public interest in my insurance needs skyrocketed. I don’t get it. Do people think I’m a bad driver or something?”
“WHAT THE [HECK] IS SO [GOSH DARN] SPECIAL ABOUT MOTHER [FLIPPING] GEICO, ANYWAY? TELL ME!”
Hart’s driving record is clean and he hasn’t made an insurance claim since his teenage years when he got into a minor fender-bender in the Waffle House parking lot in his hometown of Bowling Green, Kentucky. With a wife and three kids, his rates are very reasonable and he has never had an issue with Allstate.
“Yeah. You’re right — my driving record is solid. Can you see why I’m confused?” asked Hart. “Is there something I’m missing? Does GEICO have some sort of nationwide referral program?”
GEICO spokeswoman Eileen Speidel was contacted earlier this week and informed the Times Monitor Standard Courier that there is no nationwide referral program.
“Oh, by the way…if anyone runs into Ned Yost, could you tell him that I can pay my bills online with Allstate just fine and I don’t need to take a look at the easy and eye-appealing layout at www.geico.com. You can also tell him he’s an a-hole, while you’re at it.”
When contacted by the Times Monitor Standard Courier, Hart’s agent replied, “Do you know this Speidel chick over at GEICO? Ever since you contacted her, she’s been all over my back about some sort of endorsement deal for my client. Do I need to make an official statement? Fine. Here goes — Mr. Hart is 100% satisfied with his current auto insurance provider. He has no plans to switch his coverage now or in the future. OK? Got it?”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. We’re unsure of who actually insures Corey Hart’s vehicles…but someone should really let him know how easy GEICO’s Web site is to navigate. Really. It’s incredibly easy. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
MLB Plagued by Rash of Teams That Don’t Realize They Suck
April 25, 2008
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(Baltimore, MD; Kansas City, MO; St. Louis, MO; Chicago, IL; Arlington, TX; Miami, FL; Cincinnati, OH) - The first week and a half is in the books for Major League Baseball, but many of the division standings look utterly upside down. That’s because there are several teams that have apparently briefly forgotten that they suck.
“We haven’t seen anything like this since the Kansas City Royals took a multigame lead in the AL Central deep into August back in 2003,” ESPN’S Tim Kurkjin said Friday morning. “They had completely forgotten how shitty they were supposed to be. I made sure to write them a letter to remind them, and sure enough, they fell back into their proper place from there.”
So far this season, the Baltimore Orioles, the Kansas City Royals, the St. Louis Cardinals, the Chicago White Sox, the Texas Rangers, the Florida Marlins, and the Cincinnati Reds all have winning records, all stand near the top of their division, and most importantly, all have the constitution of a mid-major college women’s softball team.
“We don’t really know what to do about it,” MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said at a press conference on Thursday. “Yes, it’s a problem. It’s pervasive, and we need to deal with it. But it’s difficult, because these teams are so bad, but obviously just have no clue that they have no business winning games this year.”
“I mean, come on. The Cardinal rotation looks like the rotation in my grandson’s little league team. And they wear helmets on and off the field, if you know what I mean.”
“The Marlins’ entire payroll is less than Alex Rodriguez’s salary. That’s not schtick. That’s a fact. And the Orioles. Dear God. I mean, they are desperately awaiting Freddy Bynum’s return from the DL. Freddy [freaking] Bynum!”
“We’re just glad that the Devil Rays - excuse me - the Rays have finally dipped back under .500,” Selig continued. “As a league, we’re strong enough to stand a good Marlins team or a good Cardinals team, but the Rays. Well, that’s bigger than baseball, and could have taken us down.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. This is a joke. These teams obviously realize they suck. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Miguel Tejada Admits He Lied About His Age; Probably Shouldn’t Have Played in Little League World Series Last Year
April 25, 2008
;)
Though he said he should not have played, Tejada said “You’ve got to admit, I was the most dominant Little Leaguer since that Danny Almonte. What an amazing 12 year old he was.”
Rafael Furcal: “I was drunk when I crashed into Derrek Lee last year”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - As the Cubs prepare to open a critical four-game tilt against the Los Angeles Dodgers later today, the Dodgers’ starting shortstop was preparing to open something of his own: his heart.
Rafael Furcal, 30, signed a lucrative three-year contract with the Dodgers before the 2006 season after a string alcohol-related problems, including two DUI arrests. Some teams feared the shortstop might be a distraction, and shied away from the talented but troubled Furcal. The Dodgers believed in Furcal, believed he could clean up his life, and took a chance on him. They have been rewarded by his play on the field, and his responsibility with alcohol off the field.
Or so they thought.
At a press conference late Sunday night, Rafael Furcal admitted something that, according to him, has been eating away at his insides for a year and a half, and that he had to get off his chest before his team played the Cubs again this year: he was intoxicated when he crashed into Chicago Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee in April of 2006.
;)
Initially after the crash, Furcal reportedly told a visibly injured Lee, “Let’s not report this thing, ok buddy? I’ll cut you a check, and it’ll all be ok,” before vomiting a little bit.
“It was a horrible mistake,” Furcal said of the incident which resulted in a broken wrist for Lee, and his missing 59 games and never fully recovering that year. “I didn’t realize how drunk I was when I picked up that bat, and I thought I could maintain, you know? But by the time I got to first base, I was all over the baseline, swerving back and forth. I’m sorry for what I did, and I’m just glad that nobody was killed.” Furcal ended his press conference by offering to “buy a few rounds” for the Cubs.
The Dodgers are considering the full panoply of remedies to ensure Furcal stays on the straight and narrow through the remainder of his contract, including installing an alcohol-breath analyzer on Furcal’s bats which would prevent him from batting if he could not blow into the bat sober. The team is also allowing M.O.D.A.B. (Mothers Opposed to Drunk-Ass Baseball) to give a presentation to the players on the dangers of mixing alcohol and 100 mph fastballs.
A Dodger spokesman denied that the team has ever considered releasing Furcal, however, because “he’s good and makes us money. Duh.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Rafael Furcal did not say or do these things, and has probably cleaned up his life by now, even if he is still a pud. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: One-Year Anniversary of Cory Lidle’s Death Passes - NYC Mayor Declares it OK to Wonder Who the Shit Cory Lidle is Again
April 25, 2008
“I wasn’t really sure who he was when I heard he died in a plane crash last year. Now I really don’t know. Is he that ’80s child star who was semi-gay with the other Cory?”
NEWSBRIEF: Cincinnati Reds Take Aim at 2009-2011 Number One Overall Picks, Hire Dusty Baker as Manager for 2008-2010
April 25, 2008
“It’s becoming very hard, especially in the NL Central, to get that number one pick anymore,” GM Wayne Krivisky said. “We believe Dusty gives us that losing edge. He sucks harder than a Gold Card-level hooker. Thanks. Thanks. I’ll be playing the Funny Bone next Thursday. Mention this quote and receive a George Foster sticker!”
“Eccentric” Owner George Steinbrenner Leaving Yankees to Become Crazy Old F*ck
April 25, 2008
(New York, NY) - Change is in the New York air after another abrupt Yankee exit from the playoffs. Was it Joe Torre’s last as manager of the Yankees? Will Alex Rodriguez opt out of his contract and become a free agent? Such changes will have to wait, because perhaps the biggest change possible has already happened: George Steinbrenner will no longer be running the team.
Steinbrenner, who will continue to serve in a nominal role, has owned the team for decades, and has run the team with what some have euphemistically dubbed a pleasant eccentricty. Whether it was publicly threatening to trade players or fire managers, or requiring players to honor rigorous grooming standards, Steinbrenner has always been a bit strange.
And now that he’s leaving the Yankees, that’s really all he’s going to be.
;)
Steinbrenner was caught Tuesday trying to eat his own armpit.
“When he was running the team, it made a little more sense to do whatever Mr. Steinbrenner told me,” General Manager Brian Cashman said. “But now that he’s just a regular old guy, it’s a little strange when he asks me to pop out of a giant birthday cake in a diaper and sing ‘Happy Birthday, Mr. President.’”
Yankees coach Don Mattingly agreed. “Before, when he told me to shave something, I figured fine, whatever, he’s the boss, you know? But now it just feels weird. And frankly, there’s only so much I can shave.”
“I am not crazy!” an indignant Steinbrenner shouted at a parking meter last Friday. “I’m eccentric, rich, smelly, crazy, and ruggedly bow-legged. But I am not a haberdasher!”
Steinbrenner plans to retire to a bench by his favorite lake where he can feed/thumb-wrestle the ducks, and debate the merits of hip hop music versus the color green with other special members of the New York community.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. George Steinbrenner probably is a nut job, but that’s not for me to say. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Matsuzaka: “I’m Pretty [Freaking] Tired of Me Already”
April 25, 2008
(Denver, CO) - As the Boston Red Sox head to Colorado with a two-game lead in the World Series, one man might make the difference between an essentially insurmountable 3-0 lead, and a tight 2-1 series: Daisuke Matsuzaka.
The Red Sox $103 million pitcher has captured the imagination of a nation, and has been a phenomenon since he came to the country less than one year ago. Indeed, it seems like everyone wanted to know every last detail about Matsuzaka. Fans couldn’t get enough of him. Everone wanted more Matsuzaka. Everyone, that is, except one man.
Daisuke Matsuzaka.
“Enough already,” Matsuzaka said through a translator Friday. “I keep hearing Matsuzaka this, Daisuke that. I’m pretty [freaking] tired of me already.”
;)
Matsuzaka’s handlers insist he would have had the same level of media coverage had he signed with, say, the Devil Rays or Royals. The B&I Times staff insists that they come the [frick] on.
“I had a 4.40 ERA, for [freak’s] sake,” Matsuzaka went on to say; his translator peppering Matsuzaka’s Japanese with profanity. “When was the last time you heard about a [freaking gosh darn] 4.40 ERA pitcher every [gosh darn] day on the news?”
“The worst part is, these [not nice guys] the Red Sox are going to win the World Series - no thanks to my [poopy butt] - after they spent hundreds of million dollars on [poop buckets] like me and Julio Lugo. What kind of lesson is that?”
Matsuzaka hopes he pitches terribly in Game 3 so that he doesn’t have to hear about how amazing he is after another perfectly mediocre 5 inning, 4 run effort.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Matsuzaka didn’t say these things, but he does kind of suck. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Random Flashback Headlines
- Anonymous Cancer Survivor Throws No-Hitter for Red Sox
- New England Patriots Cheat on Boardgames, Taxes, Wife, but “Never Football”
- I Could Benchpress You
- NEWSBRIEF: Reggie Bush on Relationship with Kim Kardashian: “There’s a chick attached to that ass?”
- Local Fan Won’t Shut the Hell Up About Ohman Joke
- NEWSBRIEF: Miguel Tejada Admits He Lied About His Age; Probably Shouldn’t Have Played in Little League World Series Last Year
- Prince Fielder leads team in HR (30), RBI (72) and CWPPA (14.7)
- Kerry Wood Not Dead
- On Possible Cubs Owner Mark Cuban: You Either Love Him or Hate Him or You Think He’s Just OK
- SPECIAL REPORT: ZambranoGate - or; How Carlos Zambrano Learned to Stop Fighting the Crazy, and Start Fighting Michael Barrett
