MLB Plagued by Rash of Teams That Don’t Realize They Suck
April 25, 2008
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(Baltimore, MD; Kansas City, MO; St. Louis, MO; Chicago, IL; Arlington, TX; Miami, FL; Cincinnati, OH) - The first week and a half is in the books for Major League Baseball, but many of the division standings look utterly upside down. That’s because there are several teams that have apparently briefly forgotten that they suck.
“We haven’t seen anything like this since the Kansas City Royals took a multigame lead in the AL Central deep into August back in 2003,” ESPN’S Tim Kurkjin said Friday morning. “They had completely forgotten how shitty they were supposed to be. I made sure to write them a letter to remind them, and sure enough, they fell back into their proper place from there.”
So far this season, the Baltimore Orioles, the Kansas City Royals, the St. Louis Cardinals, the Chicago White Sox, the Texas Rangers, the Florida Marlins, and the Cincinnati Reds all have winning records, all stand near the top of their division, and most importantly, all have the constitution of a mid-major college women’s softball team.
“We don’t really know what to do about it,” MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said at a press conference on Thursday. “Yes, it’s a problem. It’s pervasive, and we need to deal with it. But it’s difficult, because these teams are so bad, but obviously just have no clue that they have no business winning games this year.”
“I mean, come on. The Cardinal rotation looks like the rotation in my grandson’s little league team. And they wear helmets on and off the field, if you know what I mean.”
“The Marlins’ entire payroll is less than Alex Rodriguez’s salary. That’s not schtick. That’s a fact. And the Orioles. Dear God. I mean, they are desperately awaiting Freddy Bynum’s return from the DL. Freddy [freaking] Bynum!”
“We’re just glad that the Devil Rays - excuse me - the Rays have finally dipped back under .500,” Selig continued. “As a league, we’re strong enough to stand a good Marlins team or a good Cardinals team, but the Rays. Well, that’s bigger than baseball, and could have taken us down.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. This is a joke. These teams obviously realize they suck. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Miguel Tejada Admits He Lied About His Age; Probably Shouldn’t Have Played in Little League World Series Last Year
April 25, 2008
;)
Though he said he should not have played, Tejada said “You’ve got to admit, I was the most dominant Little Leaguer since that Danny Almonte. What an amazing 12 year old he was.”
Rafael Furcal: “I was drunk when I crashed into Derrek Lee last year”
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - As the Cubs prepare to open a critical four-game tilt against the Los Angeles Dodgers later today, the Dodgers’ starting shortstop was preparing to open something of his own: his heart.
Rafael Furcal, 30, signed a lucrative three-year contract with the Dodgers before the 2006 season after a string alcohol-related problems, including two DUI arrests. Some teams feared the shortstop might be a distraction, and shied away from the talented but troubled Furcal. The Dodgers believed in Furcal, believed he could clean up his life, and took a chance on him. They have been rewarded by his play on the field, and his responsibility with alcohol off the field.
Or so they thought.
At a press conference late Sunday night, Rafael Furcal admitted something that, according to him, has been eating away at his insides for a year and a half, and that he had to get off his chest before his team played the Cubs again this year: he was intoxicated when he crashed into Chicago Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee in April of 2006.
;)
Initially after the crash, Furcal reportedly told a visibly injured Lee, “Let’s not report this thing, ok buddy? I’ll cut you a check, and it’ll all be ok,” before vomiting a little bit.
“It was a horrible mistake,” Furcal said of the incident which resulted in a broken wrist for Lee, and his missing 59 games and never fully recovering that year. “I didn’t realize how drunk I was when I picked up that bat, and I thought I could maintain, you know? But by the time I got to first base, I was all over the baseline, swerving back and forth. I’m sorry for what I did, and I’m just glad that nobody was killed.” Furcal ended his press conference by offering to “buy a few rounds” for the Cubs.
The Dodgers are considering the full panoply of remedies to ensure Furcal stays on the straight and narrow through the remainder of his contract, including installing an alcohol-breath analyzer on Furcal’s bats which would prevent him from batting if he could not blow into the bat sober. The team is also allowing M.O.D.A.B. (Mothers Opposed to Drunk-Ass Baseball) to give a presentation to the players on the dangers of mixing alcohol and 100 mph fastballs.
A Dodger spokesman denied that the team has ever considered releasing Furcal, however, because “he’s good and makes us money. Duh.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Rafael Furcal did not say or do these things, and has probably cleaned up his life by now, even if he is still a pud. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: One-Year Anniversary of Cory Lidle’s Death Passes - NYC Mayor Declares it OK to Wonder Who the Shit Cory Lidle is Again
April 25, 2008
“I wasn’t really sure who he was when I heard he died in a plane crash last year. Now I really don’t know. Is he that ’80s child star who was semi-gay with the other Cory?”
NEWSBRIEF: Cincinnati Reds Take Aim at 2009-2011 Number One Overall Picks, Hire Dusty Baker as Manager for 2008-2010
April 25, 2008
“It’s becoming very hard, especially in the NL Central, to get that number one pick anymore,” GM Wayne Krivisky said. “We believe Dusty gives us that losing edge. He sucks harder than a Gold Card-level hooker. Thanks. Thanks. I’ll be playing the Funny Bone next Thursday. Mention this quote and receive a George Foster sticker!”
“Eccentric” Owner George Steinbrenner Leaving Yankees to Become Crazy Old F*ck
April 25, 2008
(New York, NY) - Change is in the New York air after another abrupt Yankee exit from the playoffs. Was it Joe Torre’s last as manager of the Yankees? Will Alex Rodriguez opt out of his contract and become a free agent? Such changes will have to wait, because perhaps the biggest change possible has already happened: George Steinbrenner will no longer be running the team.
Steinbrenner, who will continue to serve in a nominal role, has owned the team for decades, and has run the team with what some have euphemistically dubbed a pleasant eccentricty. Whether it was publicly threatening to trade players or fire managers, or requiring players to honor rigorous grooming standards, Steinbrenner has always been a bit strange.
And now that he’s leaving the Yankees, that’s really all he’s going to be.
;)
Steinbrenner was caught Tuesday trying to eat his own armpit.
“When he was running the team, it made a little more sense to do whatever Mr. Steinbrenner told me,” General Manager Brian Cashman said. “But now that he’s just a regular old guy, it’s a little strange when he asks me to pop out of a giant birthday cake in a diaper and sing ‘Happy Birthday, Mr. President.’”
Yankees coach Don Mattingly agreed. “Before, when he told me to shave something, I figured fine, whatever, he’s the boss, you know? But now it just feels weird. And frankly, there’s only so much I can shave.”
“I am not crazy!” an indignant Steinbrenner shouted at a parking meter last Friday. “I’m eccentric, rich, smelly, crazy, and ruggedly bow-legged. But I am not a haberdasher!”
Steinbrenner plans to retire to a bench by his favorite lake where he can feed/thumb-wrestle the ducks, and debate the merits of hip hop music versus the color green with other special members of the New York community.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. George Steinbrenner probably is a nut job, but that’s not for me to say. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Matsuzaka: “I’m Pretty [Freaking] Tired of Me Already”
April 25, 2008
(Denver, CO) - As the Boston Red Sox head to Colorado with a two-game lead in the World Series, one man might make the difference between an essentially insurmountable 3-0 lead, and a tight 2-1 series: Daisuke Matsuzaka.
The Red Sox $103 million pitcher has captured the imagination of a nation, and has been a phenomenon since he came to the country less than one year ago. Indeed, it seems like everyone wanted to know every last detail about Matsuzaka. Fans couldn’t get enough of him. Everone wanted more Matsuzaka. Everyone, that is, except one man.
Daisuke Matsuzaka.
“Enough already,” Matsuzaka said through a translator Friday. “I keep hearing Matsuzaka this, Daisuke that. I’m pretty [freaking] tired of me already.”
;)
Matsuzaka’s handlers insist he would have had the same level of media coverage had he signed with, say, the Devil Rays or Royals. The B&I Times staff insists that they come the [frick] on.
“I had a 4.40 ERA, for [freak’s] sake,” Matsuzaka went on to say; his translator peppering Matsuzaka’s Japanese with profanity. “When was the last time you heard about a [freaking gosh darn] 4.40 ERA pitcher every [gosh darn] day on the news?”
“The worst part is, these [not nice guys] the Red Sox are going to win the World Series - no thanks to my [poopy butt] - after they spent hundreds of million dollars on [poop buckets] like me and Julio Lugo. What kind of lesson is that?”
Matsuzaka hopes he pitches terribly in Game 3 so that he doesn’t have to hear about how amazing he is after another perfectly mediocre 5 inning, 4 run effort.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Matsuzaka didn’t say these things, but he does kind of suck. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: MLB Announces Other Teams Besides the Red Sox and Yankees Now Authorized to be “Rumored to be Doing Stuff”
April 25, 2008
“We feel like Major League Baseball is strong enough now as an organization to withstand rumors of Brian Fuentes to the Cardinals, or Kris Benson to the Rays,” Commissioner Bud Selig said Tuesday from the Winter Meetings. “No, no, it’s just the ‘Rays’ now. You didn’t hear? It was included in last week’s press release between the story about Curt Schilling’s stirrups and Roger Clemens’ 12th retirement.”
Cubs Take Two of Three from Brewers; Fielder Takes Two of Three French Silk Pies from Bakers Square
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) — The Chicago Cubs finished a successful homestand by going 5-1 and, more importantly, took 2 of 3 games against the first-place Milwaukee Brewers, inching closer to their Central Division rivals to the North and returning to .500 once again.
As the Cubs celebrated taking two of three from the Brewers, newly-elected All-Star, Prince Fielder, visited a nearby Bakers Square and took two of three French Silk pies from the display case.
“French Silk pies is the [best]. That’s on the real,” said Prince, scooping bite after bite of velvety smooth chocolate silk, topped with fluffy whipped cream and milk chocolate shavings into his eager mouth.
Fielder, shown sitting outside Bakers Square restaurant #237 in Rogers Park, clutches two award-winning French Silk pies in his lap. “It’s a chocolate-lover’s dream,” said Fielder.
“The Wrigley postgame spread wasn’t bad,” said Fielder, “but Corey Hart has a long wingspan and he snatched the last two cheese danishes right from under my nose. That [stuff] wasn’t cool. But I slid over to the other side of the table and slipped three or four summer sausages into my back pocket.”
Fielder, hitting .281/.371/.614 with 27 home runs in just 81 games has been one of the hottest hitters in the league and a major reason for the Brewers’ success thus far.
“The sausages were church. Church as hell. But my sweet tooth was still barkin’ at me. That’s when the angel on my left shoulder whispered in my ear, ‘Bakers Square — The Best Pie in America®.’ That’s when I knew what I had to do,” said Fielder.
Fielder, the first Brewer voted in by the fans as a starter in 19 years, is very happy with his success this season.
“This is just the beginning. I plan on getting endorsements from Cracker Barrel and Old Country Buffet comin’ up soon, so I can get my eat-on for free wherever I travel,” said Prince, finishing up the first of two pies. “Old Country Buffet — try our new Rancher’s Select® Premium Steak. It’s an All-Star…how did that sound?”
Representatives from Cracker Barrel and Old Country Buffet could not be reached for comment.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. It is not known by this author whether Prince typically eats two pies in one sitting. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Pujols to LaRussa: “You can’t come to my birthday party!”
April 25, 2008
(St. Louis, MO) - St. Louis first baseman Albert Pujols, still visibly upset that manager Tony LaRussa decided not to play him in the All Star Game on Monday night despite having the bases loaded in the 9th, has thrown down the next step of the gauntlet that seems to be setting itself up for the Cardinals franchise: LaRussa is no longer invited to his birthday party.
“He can’t come now,” declared Pujols. “I’m an All Star, dammit. I deserve to be treated like one. I don’t care that Prince Fielder won the vote, Tony should have started me anyways. All of Prince’s home runs this year were lucky, you know that right? I’m on the cover of a FREAKING VIDEO GAME, man. And yet I don’t play in the All Star game? Ridiculous.”
LaRussa is trying to take it all in stride. “I needed Albert off the bench in extra innings. I had Aaron Rowand at the plate, dude. He won a World Series. I thought that was a freaking lock for at least a base hit. And as far as the birthday party is concerned…well, that’s Albert’s choice. It doesn’t make me too mad, the ice cream cake last year sucked anyways, and he didn’t even have any pony rides. That’s bush league.”
Cardinals GM Walt Jocketty is stuck in the middle of all of this, and is bearing down for any more trouble. “Both of these guys are consummate professionals. Albert’s criticisms of Tom Glavine, berating of umpires, disrespect towards other players, and verbal spats with the media and fans aside, he’s a true social icon and role model. I am sure…wait, you don’t have a bobby pin, do you? My suspender just snapped, and my secretary is off today. No? Anyways, yeah, I am sure Albert and Tony can work this out.” Jocketty then left for a quick spot of shuffleboard and an afternoon nap.
;)
Walt Jocketty handles all the issues: coaches, All Stars, should I finally retire because these diapers are leaking?
The Cardinals, currently 3 games back of the Chicago Cubs for 2nd place in the NL Menstrual, are hoping that this latest spat can spark a fire under their team.
“That’s our captain, our leader…I will follow him anywhere.” stated shortstop David Eckstein.
As of press time, the Courier has found that Eckstein is currently wallowing in a pool of self loathing. He’s truly a man of his word.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Pujols and LaRussa didn’t say or do these things…But Albert Pujols is still a whiny douche. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Koz.)
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