Cubs Take Two of Three from Brewers; Fielder Takes Two of Three French Silk Pies from Bakers Square
April 25, 2008
(Chicago, IL) — The Chicago Cubs finished a successful homestand by going 5-1 and, more importantly, took 2 of 3 games against the first-place Milwaukee Brewers, inching closer to their Central Division rivals to the North and returning to .500 once again.
As the Cubs celebrated taking two of three from the Brewers, newly-elected All-Star, Prince Fielder, visited a nearby Bakers Square and took two of three French Silk pies from the display case.
“French Silk pies is the [best]. That’s on the real,” said Prince, scooping bite after bite of velvety smooth chocolate silk, topped with fluffy whipped cream and milk chocolate shavings into his eager mouth.
Fielder, shown sitting outside Bakers Square restaurant #237 in Rogers Park, clutches two award-winning French Silk pies in his lap. “It’s a chocolate-lover’s dream,” said Fielder.
“The Wrigley postgame spread wasn’t bad,” said Fielder, “but Corey Hart has a long wingspan and he snatched the last two cheese danishes right from under my nose. That [stuff] wasn’t cool. But I slid over to the other side of the table and slipped three or four summer sausages into my back pocket.”
Fielder, hitting .281/.371/.614 with 27 home runs in just 81 games has been one of the hottest hitters in the league and a major reason for the Brewers’ success thus far.
“The sausages were church. Church as hell. But my sweet tooth was still barkin’ at me. That’s when the angel on my left shoulder whispered in my ear, ‘Bakers Square — The Best Pie in America®.’ That’s when I knew what I had to do,” said Fielder.
Fielder, the first Brewer voted in by the fans as a starter in 19 years, is very happy with his success this season.
“This is just the beginning. I plan on getting endorsements from Cracker Barrel and Old Country Buffet comin’ up soon, so I can get my eat-on for free wherever I travel,” said Prince, finishing up the first of two pies. “Old Country Buffet — try our new Rancher’s Select® Premium Steak. It’s an All-Star…how did that sound?”
Representatives from Cracker Barrel and Old Country Buffet could not be reached for comment.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. It is not known by this author whether Prince typically eats two pies in one sitting. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Pujols to LaRussa: “You can’t come to my birthday party!”
April 25, 2008
(St. Louis, MO) - St. Louis first baseman Albert Pujols, still visibly upset that manager Tony LaRussa decided not to play him in the All Star Game on Monday night despite having the bases loaded in the 9th, has thrown down the next step of the gauntlet that seems to be setting itself up for the Cardinals franchise: LaRussa is no longer invited to his birthday party.
“He can’t come now,” declared Pujols. “I’m an All Star, dammit. I deserve to be treated like one. I don’t care that Prince Fielder won the vote, Tony should have started me anyways. All of Prince’s home runs this year were lucky, you know that right? I’m on the cover of a FREAKING VIDEO GAME, man. And yet I don’t play in the All Star game? Ridiculous.”
LaRussa is trying to take it all in stride. “I needed Albert off the bench in extra innings. I had Aaron Rowand at the plate, dude. He won a World Series. I thought that was a freaking lock for at least a base hit. And as far as the birthday party is concerned…well, that’s Albert’s choice. It doesn’t make me too mad, the ice cream cake last year sucked anyways, and he didn’t even have any pony rides. That’s bush league.”
Cardinals GM Walt Jocketty is stuck in the middle of all of this, and is bearing down for any more trouble. “Both of these guys are consummate professionals. Albert’s criticisms of Tom Glavine, berating of umpires, disrespect towards other players, and verbal spats with the media and fans aside, he’s a true social icon and role model. I am sure…wait, you don’t have a bobby pin, do you? My suspender just snapped, and my secretary is off today. No? Anyways, yeah, I am sure Albert and Tony can work this out.” Jocketty then left for a quick spot of shuffleboard and an afternoon nap.
;)
Walt Jocketty handles all the issues: coaches, All Stars, should I finally retire because these diapers are leaking?
The Cardinals, currently 3 games back of the Chicago Cubs for 2nd place in the NL Menstrual, are hoping that this latest spat can spark a fire under their team.
“That’s our captain, our leader…I will follow him anywhere.” stated shortstop David Eckstein.
As of press time, the Courier has found that Eckstein is currently wallowing in a pool of self loathing. He’s truly a man of his word.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Pujols and LaRussa didn’t say or do these things…But Albert Pujols is still a whiny douche. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Koz.)
NEWSBRIEF: New York Mets Hire Ricky Henderson as Hitting / Being an Asshole Instructor
April 25, 2008
;)
Prince Fielder leads team in HR (30), RBI (72) and CWPPA (14.7)
April 25, 2008
(Milwaukee, WI) — With the Cubs tightening the NL Central race over the last month, the Brewers look to their fearsome slugger and unofficial team leader, Prince Fielder, to help them keep focus and maintain their spot at the top of the division.
Fielder, putting up MVP-type numbers in his second full year in the majors, leads the team in HR (30), RBI (72), and CWPPA (Chicken Wings Per Plate Appearance) with 14.7.
Catcher is not Prince’s natural position, but he has an instinctual knack for blocking the plate.
“Through most of April, May, and June, Prince was putting away a party platter of wings every nine innings — and our record seemed to align with Prince’s CWPPA,” said Brewers’ shortstop, JJ Hardy. “In July, Prince seemed to slow a bit, and he even stopped smothering each wing with bleu cheese dressing altogether. The other night when we got shutout by Tim Lincecum and the Giants, the party platter was still half-full. At this point, [Bob] Wickman [of the Atlanta Braves] is putting Prince to shame. And our position in the standings reflects it. The Cubs are right on our tail!”
Prince doesn’t feel his approach has changed.
“JJ don’t know [nothing]. What he don’t know is that I’m throwin’ down on five or six fried turkey legs while I’m fielding my position — kinda stealth-like. I always keep an extra leg in my back pocket,” said Fielder. “Besides…the notion that our winning percentage and my CWPPA is correlated is ridiculous. Any stat-head worth his weight will tell you that there is a far greater connection between MCPGP and winning percentage. Oh…that’s Milkshake Consumed Per Game Played, for those who don’t know.”
Prince demonstrates the proper form for his patented “Turkey Leg Tumble” slide.
“Look. Ain’t no one on this team more committed to winning than me. I’m gonna do what it takes to distance ourselves from the Cubs,” continued Fielder. “Don’t believe me? I’m having Portillo’s cater our upcoming road trip so the entire team can boost their BSIPRT. That’ll get the job done.”
“What?” replied Fielder, when asked about yet another esoteric stat acronym. “Oh…that’s Beef Sammich Intake Per Road Trip. Don’t sleep on the Brewers.”
Editor’s note: Fielder has since become a vegetarian, much to the delight of chicken wings everywhere.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Prince doesn’t eat a party platter of wings every game…he eats two. Probably. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Without Anything of Hank Aaron’s to Break This Week, Despondent Bonds Breaks Hank Goldberg’s Hover-Round
April 25, 2008
(Miami, FL) - Last week, San Francisco Giant slugger Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s four-decade old record for career home runs in Major League Baseball. That was then. The question of what he could break this week was what was now for Bonds.
The answer?
Portly ESPN contributor and radio host Hank Goldberg’s Hover-Round mobility aid.
The incident occurred at the Miami radio facility where Goldberg airs his sports talk show for 560 WQAM. Bonds, at the facility on an unrelated matter, was passing Goldberg in the hallway. As Goldberg attempted to putter by, Bonds recognized Goldberg and unleashed a ferocious attack on his scooter with a pocket bat. The attack was witnessed by station personnel who claimed Bonds rained blows with such vigor that his power could not have been supplied only by hard work and flaxseed oil.
;)
Goldberg discribed the ugly incident to his loyal listeners Thursday morning, and assured them of his health from the comfort of his new McGuyver-esque chair which he fashioned out of bamboo, electrical tape, and gummi bears. The chair, he says, functions and tastes “almost as good” as the original.
“Last week I broke Hank [Aaron]’s record, and it felt good,” Bonds said Thursday in an attempt to explain the bizarre attack. “It tasted like chocolate-covered happiness. And I needed to feel it again. I needed to break something else of Hank’s. Anything else. And when neither of Hank [Aaron]’s hips would break, I knew I had to try something else.”
Reporters from across the country - with the exception of Witchita-Burbury Gazette beat writer Hank Munkle - have flocked to Bonds to ask him about breaking the scooter.
Bonds feels the media attention stemming from the incident is unwarranted, and is driven by an ulterior motive. “It is absolutely a racial thing. It doesn’t matter that we’re both black,” Bonds said. When informed that Hank Goldberg is not black, Bonds was un-phased, indignant, and increasinly ignorant. “Yeah, well, whatever. People like [Goldberg] persecutioned [sic] Jesus back a hundred years ago because he was black. And now it’s the exact same thing with me.”
Bonds will be allowed to continue playing for the Giants while Major League Baseball investigates the incident, but a voice appearance on “The Simpsons,” scheduled to record next week, has been cancelled at the request of voice actor Hank Azaria.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Bonds did not break anything of Hank Goldberg’s, and is generally not worth talking about at all. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Blanka tired of younger brother, Prince, getting all the attention
April 23, 2008
(São Paulo, Brazil) - The gradual decline in popularity of the Street Fighter videogame franchise coupled with Prince Fielder’s rise to baseball stardom has added to the inner-turmoil suffered by the once-legendary Blanka, or Hamablanka Fielder.
Legend has it that Blanka was raised in the Brazilian jungles by wild beasts after a tragic plane crash, but the feral Blanka tells an entirely different story altogether.
“Cecil abandon me and leave me on doorstep of church. He look me green skin and orange hair and him scared. GRAAARGH! BLANKA SAD ABOUT DADDY CECIL LEAVING BLANKA! WHY HIM DO THAT?!”
Sibling rivalry often rears its ugly head during Fielder family reunions.
Blanka paused to run to a nearby stream, pull a squirming arapaima from the water, and bite its head off.
“Prince not want to admit Blanka him’s brother. But Blanka pointed out we have same prominent lower jaw and exaggerated underbite. Prince then see. But Prince still BITCH and me going to perform electric thunder attack on him at Fielder Family Barbecue tonight.”
When pointing out Prince’s hot start for the first-place Milwaukee Brewers and his impressive home run hitting, Blanka scoffed.
“Did Prince beat M. Bison in street fight with ground shave rolling attack? No? Hmmm. Blanka wonder who did that…yeah…me wonder…”
A tragic side-note related to this story; when sent on assignment to obtain comments from the Fielder family, Eugene Fitswell was critically injured when Prince mounted Eugene and bit off half of his face.
We’re all pulling for you, Eugene.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Jamie Moyer Surprised to Learn Jamie Moyer is Still Playing
April 23, 2008
(Philadelphia, PA) - The average baseball fan might not realize that pitcher Jamie Moyer, 44, is still playing professional baseball. The fan might know that Moyer at one time was a successful pitcher with the Seattle Mariners, but slowly faded into obscurity after a long career in the Pacific Northwest. Where is Moyer today? He pitches - quite well - for the Philadelphia Phillies. But the average fan isn’t the only one surprised. It comes as news to Jamie Moyer, too.
“Are you serious? I’m still a professional baseball player?” Moyer stammers every fifth day when he is tasked with taking the mound for the Phillies. “I used to pitch for the Mariners, I know that, but I mean… that was a REALLY long time ago. I can’t possibly still be playing, can I?”
The Cubs, who are visiting the Phillies this weekend for a three-game set, are probably relieved they do not face Moyer, who started his career some two decades ago with the Cubs. Moyer is currently sporting a 4-2 record with a sparkling 3.00 ERA.
“Now I know you’re jerkin’ me around. You’re saying that not only am I still pitching, but I’m pitching well? Didn’t I debut like 20-some years ago?” Moyer said. “I thought there was a pretty good chance that I was dead by now.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Jamie (probably) knows he’s still playing. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Tony LaRussa refuses to talk with Mills Fleet Farm representatives for entire weekend
April 23, 2008
(Saint Louis, MO) Two weeks after Tony LaRussa took a stand against the Post-Dispatch for taking a “cheap shot” against the Cubs, the manager of the Saint Louis Cardinals has now proclaimed that he will not talk with any employee – no matter what position – from the Midwestern retailer.
“I went in to buy a [stinking] citronella candle and exchange my empty propane tank and all seemed well,” said a visibly angry LaRussa. “But when I got in my car, I noticed that they short-changed me at the register. Those [jerks] owe me two dollars and change.”
When asked by Fleet Farm representatives to indicate the discrepancy between the change owed him and the change received, Mr. LaRussa chose to communicate with hand gestures, rather than break his self-imposed code of silence.
When reached for comment, Ernie Arsbecker – night manager of the Bloomington store – said, “We sure do apologize to Mr. LaRussa for the oversight. We’re more than happy to send him a check for the money we owe, along with a $50 gift certificate for his troubles.”
When told of this, LaRussa chuckled, “I bet they’d like that. Listen to me. Tony LaRussa can’t be bought and sold by Mills Farm and Fleet. I want nothing to do with them…at least until Monday when I need to buy a replacement light bulb for the garage.”
Sources also report that LaRussa is considering a weekend hunger strike after the Wendy’s drive-thru employee gave him a Spicy Chicken sandwich instead of the Grilled Chicken sandwich that he ordered.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Bonds hits home run 740, draws Pluto into head’s orbit
April 23, 2008
(San Francisco, CA) - With his home run against the Arizona Diamondbacks, Barry Bonds drew one step closer to Hank Aaron’s historic mark and now stands 15 home runs away from the hallowed record. In other Bonds-related news, the International Astronomical Union defined the term “planet” for the first time, excluding Pluto and reported that this former planet has left the sun’s orbit and is now circling Barry Bonds’ swollen cranium.
“The members of the astronomical community are stunned,” said M. Woolfson, author of The Origin and Evolution of the Solar System. “This marks the first occasion since the beginning of recorded time that a celestial body has left the orbit of a star or planet and joined the orbit of a man’s skull. To put it succinctly, Barry Bonds has a huge [freaking] dome!”
Planets and dwarf planets of the Bonds system; while the size is to scale, the relative distances from the Bonds’ head are not.
When reached for comment, Jeff Boris, Barry Bonds’ agent remarked, “Why does the press have to blow everything out of proportion? Honestly. This is insane. You heard the reports; Pluto isn’t even a planet anymore – it’s a ‘dwarf planet’ similar to Sedna, Orcus, or Quaoar. This barely qualifies as news, people. Now if you’ll excuse me, there have been reports of an asteroid on a collision course with my client’s head.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - Visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Albert Pujols Adjusting to Life in His 40s
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - St. Louis Cardinals First Baseman Albert Pujols is trying his best to shake off the rust of the offseason and of old age, as he and the Cardinals are scuffling a bit out of the gate this season. Pujols, who turned approximately 40 earlier this week, is struggling to break the .200 mark so far this year.
“I just can’t do all the things I used to be able to do. I can still swing the bat a bit, but my reaction time is fading, my legs are shaky, and my memory isn’t great, either. My reaction time is also slower,” Pujols said after the Cardinals lost to the Cubs in Chicago Saturday afternoon. The Dominican-born Pujols was 1 for 3, which brought his season average up to .203.
New York Met and octagenarian Julio Franco says he can relate to the adjustments Pujols is facing. “It’s hard when your legs start to go a little bit, and you’ve got that first hip replacement. And you just can’t steal second as well when you’re carting the oxygen tank. My walker helps, though.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Albert did not say or do these things, although the crappy batting average is true. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Sponsored By
Random Flashback Headlines
- Uncomfortable Silence Follows Kobe Bryant Comment that “We Just Raped in Colorado”
- Kyle Orton Regrets Selling Ankle for Success
- Cubs Find Inspiration to Win by Stripping Life-Sized Photo of Jim Hendry Naked
- Cowboys Trade for Pac-Man, Deny Rumor They Will Use 2008 1st Round Picks on Mario Brothers
- Marcus Vick: “Hey, I’m a talented asshole criminal, too!”
- Is Bobby Howry Actually the Best Pitcher on the Cubs? New Statistical Analysis Confirms that No He is Not
- NEWSBRIEF: Instability in Al Anbar Province in Iraq Continues - Rex Grossman Blamed
- Soriano-less Cubs Beat up on Reds; Or - How Alfonso Soriano’s Leg Exploded Playing Hopscotch
- Lilly Pitch Hits Renteria - Psychic Friend Umpire Cleo Wolf Ejects Cubs
- Cubs Nation’s Collective Panties Thoroughly Bunched
