Michael Jordan Spends 35 Minutes Explaining to Grocery Clerk Why He Wouldn’t Want to be Him

October 15, 2009

(Chicago, IL) – Chicago Bulls fans will always remember Michael Jordan as the greatest basketball player of all time. In fact, most basketball fans will remember him that way.

That’s particularly true after Michael Jordan’s perplexing and self-aggrandizing Hall of Fame induction speech last month. For more than a dozen rambling, pomp-filled minutes, Jordan reminded all in attendance of just how awesome his was at basketball. It was bizarre, but at least it eventually ended, and faded from memory.

But for Tim Crossley, a clerk at Central Grocery, Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech feels like it just happened yesterday. Because it did. To him. Read more

Drew Gooden Replacing Ben Wallace By Growing Afro on Chin

January 12, 2009

(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Bulls are languishing through a painful first half of the season, struggling to stay within striking distance of .500.  The Bulls simply don’t have the talent to compete this year, and some commentators openly wonder whether the team dug itself a hole with some of the moves they’ve made over the past year.

One such deal sent inside man Big Ben Wallace to the Cleveland Cavaliers in February. And the Bulls, folliclularly speaking, have never been the same. Read more

Derrick Rose on Stabbing Self: I just wanted be like Plax

December 10, 2008

derrick rose bulls

(Chicago, IL) – The sports world’s history is full of baffling injury stories, from the silly to the downright unbelievable. Be it slipping in the shower, breaking ribs while sneezing, cracking a collarbone while loading deer meat, or suffering a man sprain when the hooker flinches, we’ve all been there.

But now the bizarre injury bug has bit the Chicago Bulls. In fact, he took a big bite out of young star Derrick Rose‘s forearm. Read more

Mark Cuban Fined Heavily for Criticizing SEC Officials

November 21, 2008

cubs mark cuban

(Dallas, TX) – On Monday, prospective Chicago Cubs owner and current Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was charged by SEC officials with insider trading. Cuban, a noted investor and businessman, admits that he traded on material, nonpublic information, but denies that he owed any duty to protect that information. Blah, blah. That part is boring.

Far more interesting is how Cuban reacted in a post-investigation press conference when asked what he thought about the SEC officials. Read more

Chicago Bulls Decide to Go Very Young in NBA Draft – Take Freshman Derrick Rose in First, Zygote in Second

June 27, 2008

Derrick Rose Bulls Draft

(New York, NY) – The 2008 NBA Draft went off last night without a hitch, and many teams dramatically improved their overall situation with draft-day deals. But the storyline dominating the draft was the emergence of young stars as the players every team was targeting. A record 12 freshman were drafted, and it was the first time ever that freshman went 1-2-3 in the draft – though freshman Greg Oden and Kevin Durant went 1-2 last year.

The first freshman selected was Memphis point guard, Derrick Rose, who went to the Bulls with the first overall selection. Clearly interested in “going young” in the draft, the Bulls then set their sites on an even younger target: a zygote. Read more

Boston Celtics Win NBA Title – NBA Declares Playoffs Aren’t Over

June 18, 2008

NBA David Stern

(Boston, MA) – The Boston Celtics and their dynamic trio of Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen had the NBA’s best record this season. It showed in the postseason, as they marched through the playoffs, concluding with a 4-2 series win over the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA Finals – complete with a 131-92 thrashing in game 6.

Many thought it was a fitting end to the NBA playoffs. But league commissioner David Stern announced shortly after the championship was clinched that the playoffs would go on. Read more

Magic Johnson’s AIDS-Celtics Analogy Falls Flat

June 9, 2008

Magic Johnson AIDS

(Boston, MA) – The NBA Finals are in full swing as two titans of basketball lore do battle: the Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers. But perhaps the biggest news is coming from ABC’s coverage of the series, not from the series, itself.

Former Los Angeles Laker point guard turned ABC commentator, Ervin “Magic” Johnson made controversial comments after Game One last Thursday that seemed to somehow compare the Boston Celtics basketball team to acquired immune deficiency syndrome, otherwise known as AIDS. Read more

3 versus 1 Celtics/Cavs Series Just Seems Unfair

May 8, 2008

Cavaliers Lebron Celtics Dunk

(Boston, MA) – The NBA playoffs are in full swing, and the big matchup that everyone wants to see is finally taking place. The Cleveland Cavaliers versus the Boston Celtics. Lebron James versus the Celtic Three – Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen.

But is it really fair? Read more

Uncomfortable Silence Follows Kobe Bryant Comment that “We Just Raped in Colorado”

April 30, 2008

Kobe Bryant Press Conference
(Denver, CO) – The NBA Playoffs are in full swing, and it didn’t take long for Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers to dispatch the Denver Nuggets in the first round, sweeping them 4-0. But it wasn’t the Lakers’ dominance that was the hot topic of conversation following their win, it was star Bryant’s characterization of the series. Read more

NEWSBRIEF: Hansbrough Fouled by Opposing Team, Devours Flesh as Revenge

April 25, 2008

Tar Heel Tyler Hansbrough Hard Foul
One hard foul deserves another in Psycho T’s world.

Tyler “Psycho T” Hansbrough was the recent recipient of a hard foul in a game against the mighty UNC Asheville team last week. Desiring payback, Psycho T ate 5’10″ Asheville PG Marty Sanderson, simply saying “When it’s game time, it’s pain time.” Read more

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