3 versus 1 Celtics/Cavs Series Just Seems Unfair
May 8, 2008
(Boston, MA) - The NBA playoffs are in full swing, and the big matchup that everyone wants to see is finally taking place. The Cleveland Cavaliers versus the Boston Celtics. Lebron James versus the Celtic Three - Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen.
But is it really fair? Read more
Uncomfortable Silence Follows Kobe Bryant Comment that “We Just Raped in Colorado”
April 30, 2008
(Denver, CO) - The NBA Playoffs are in full swing, and it didn’t take long for Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers to dispatch the Denver Nuggets in the first round, sweeping them 4-0. But it wasn’t the Lakers’ dominance that was the hot topic of conversation following their win, it was star Bryant’s characterization of the series. Read more
NEWSBRIEF: Hansbrough Fouled by Opposing Team, Devours Flesh as Revenge
April 25, 2008
;)
One hard foul deserves another in Psycho T’s world.
Tyler “Psycho T” Hansbrough was the recent recipient of a hard foul in a game against the mighty UNC Asheville team last week. Desiring payback, Psycho T ate 5′10″ Asheville PG Marty Sanderson, simply saying “When it’s game time, it’s pain time.” Read more
Women’s College Basketball Tournament Finally Arrives!
April 25, 2008
The Women’s College Basketball Tournament is here!!!
Perhaps recognizing that not all college enthusiasts have the same interest in women’s college basketball as this writer, Women’s NCAA Tournament Director Rocco Metini has launched a newly-crafted campaign designed to attract new viewers for the tournament.
“We believe our tournament has so much to offer, but people just dont’ know about it,” Metini said Sunday. “So we’re going to do everything we can to get the word out that if you want to see the world’s best fundamentals, including both bounce and chest passes, ours is the tournament for you.”
Metini said that the campaign would be launched this week, commensurate with the later rounds of the tournament, but he was willing to share a few tidbits.
“Well, we know that sex sells,” Metini said with an almost childish glee. “So the very first thing we’re going to do with this campaign, is not show a single picture of any of our players.”
;)
The Times started to ask why, but quickly thought better of it.
“We’ve got an idea to have a three-pronged attack. If you hate dunks, athleticism, or any kind of excitement at all, we’ve got everything you could hope for in a post-season tournament,” Metini continued. “And we also want to highlight our most popular shot: A heaving three pointer, chucked from where there should be a heaving bossom, but there isn’t. Whether that is due to the ridiculous flattening effect of today’s powerful sports bras or the ridiculous flattening effect of today’s powerful rhinocerus testosterone, we really don’t care. It’s fabulous either way.”
Metini also promises “30 to 35 percent more nappy headed hoes this year, with an eye on a 50 percent increase by 2010,” and concluded that “real March Madness” is cramming 15 big, angry man-chicks on a tiny bus, all on the same cycle.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. This article is miscegenistic garbage, and I can’t believe you even read it. Besides, there are like, at least 1 or 2 attractive women’s college basketball players. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Jim Hendry aims for defensive specialist
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Jim Hendry wanted to improve the team defense. On Wednesday, he did just that.
“We needed a new defensive presence,” Jim Hendry stated as he crammed a delicious New York Cheesecake Donut into his mouth, “and we made a move today that improves our defense. Bruce Bowen is a well known defensive machine.”
Jim Hendry was shocked to learn that he had traded for Rob Bowen, not Bruce. Bruce Bowen, of course, is a member of the San Antonio Spurs.
;)
Bruce Bowen - NBA Forward, Jim Hendry’s obsession
“That’s impossible,” Hendry continued, “the trade I made was done in order to improve the team. I am bringing in a guy who plays hard, gritty defense at a championship level.”
When Bruce Bowen was reached for comment, he seemed to concur with Jim Hendry. “I do play defense. If that’s what Mr. Hendry wants, that’s what he’ll get.”
“I find it amazing that you would believe that I, Jim Hendry, God of Baseball, would trade Michael Barrett for a backup catcher. That’s ridiculous.”
Rob Bowen could not be reached for comment. His representatives seemed to believe that the Cubs had traded for Bruce, not Rob.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Jim Hendry probably does not like New York Cheesecake donuts and it is debatable as to whether he refers to himself as a God of Baseball. Further, Bruce Bowen is probably not going to be a Cub. But don’t rule it out. No one should construe this fake article as being fact, including that last sentence. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Written by Fly.)
Cubs Tanking to Get Number One Pick Greg Oden
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - After spending more than $300 million in the offseason, the Chicago Cubs have struggled out of the gate, limping to an early 9-13 record. But the Cubs are telling fans not to worry because they have a plan: they’re losing on purpose so they can select Ohio State freshman center Greg Oden in the upcoming NBA draft.
“We know fans have been concerned with the team’s early losses, but we want to assure all Cub fans that we know what we’re doing,” President John McDonough said Friday. “Greg Oden is a dominating presence in the post. He can score, he can rebound, and he plays great defense. He’s exactly what we need. And he’s charismatic, too. I can market the heck out of that guy!”
Cub players aren’t as confident in the plan, but they say they trust the front office. “At first I was a little concerned because Greg Oden plays basketball and is going to be in the NBA draft, not the Major League Baseball draft. I mean, I was pretty sure they are like, completely different drafts. And different sports,” Cubs catcher Michael Barrett said. “But regardless of what we think, and regardless of how [freaking mentally-challenged] the front office seems, they know what they’re doing. They’ve got a proven track record, at least when it comes to trying to lose.”
The Cubs, winners of two in a row, will try to get back to their losing ways this afternoon in St. Louis when the Cubs take on the Cardinals in the second game of their three-game weekend series.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. John McDonough did not actually say or do these things. The Cubs Front Office is actually totally super duper awesome! No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Flashback Headlines
- NEWSBRIEF: Kerry Wood Requests “It’s Raining Men” for his Entrance Music
- Cubs Trade Embattled Catcher After Panty-less Escapade
- NEWSBRIEF: Ryan Dempster Predicts World Series, Drools
- New England Patriots Cheat on Boardgames, Taxes, Wife, but “Never Football”
- NEWSBRIEF: Brett Favre Retires to Pursue Writing, Directing and No-Inflection Monotone Acting Career
- Without Anything of Hank Aaron’s to Break This Week, Despondent Bonds Breaks Hank Goldberg’s Hover-Round
- The Nation Mourns its Fallen Hero
- Soriano-less Cubs Beat up on Reds; Or - How Alfonso Soriano’s Leg Exploded Playing Hopscotch
- NEWSBRIEF: Rich Hill “Completely Misunderstands” When Mark DeRosa Asks Him to Join a Fantasy League
- Cubs to Go with One-Man Rotation
