Citing Lack of Testicle-Grabbing Production from Felix Pie, Cubs Sign Jim Edmonds
May 14, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Early Wednesday morning, the Chicago Cubs signed center fielder Jim Edmonds, who had been released just days earlier by the San Diego Padres. The move will displace youngster Felix Pie, who had finally started to put up solid numbers against right-handed pitching, and who plays excellent defense in center. So why would the Cubs sign the 37-year-old Edmonds to replace Pie?
We need more testicle grabbing, the Cubs say. Read more
White Sox Pitcher Almost Throws No-Hitter - Nation Still Watches Cubs
May 7, 2008
(Minneapolis, MN / Cincinnati, OH) - Last night, something incredibly exciting was happening in the baseball world. The Nation turned its eyes to watch something special - something it loved to see happen.
The Chicago Cubs shutout the Cincinnati Reds 3-0. Read more
Ryan Theriot Euthanized After Failed Stolen Base Attempt
May 4, 2008
(St. Louis, MO) - Chicago Cubs Nation suffered a tragic loss yesterday when, following a failed stolen base attempt, shortstop Ryan Theriot had to be euthanized. The Cubs defeated the rival St. Louis Cardinals, though, so the day was ultimately a net plus. Read more
Lou Piniella Turns to Situational Lefty in the First Inning
May 3, 2008
(St. Louis, MO) - Shortly after losing an extra inning heartbreaker to the St. Louis Cardinals, Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella was peppered with questions about a controversial decision he made in the first inning. With two outs, and before he’d given up a hit, Rich Hill was removed from the game. Why was the decision controversial?
Obviously because Piniella had decided to start the game with a situational left-handed reliever. Read more
Kerry Wood is a Closer in the Same Way that Kyra Sedgwick is a Closer
May 1, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Just three outs away from a series victory against probable NL Central primary rival this year, the Milwaukee Brewers, the Cubs turned to the man who is supposed to shut the door. The man who is supposed to clinch the win. The man who is supposed to close. Read more
Former Cubs Manager Lee Elia on Tirade 25 Years Later: “I’m pretty f*@&ing embarrassed”
April 29, 2008
(Seattle, WA) - Two and a half decades ago, after a dismal 5-14 start by his Chicago Cubs, manager Lee Elia let loose an expletive-filled tirade not since seen in the sports world. The rant, which lasted some three odd minutes, has reached legendary status among Cubs fans, and among those who hate the Cubs. Perhaps most notably, Elia shouted in the tirade: “Eighty-five percent of the [flippin’] world is working. The other fifteen come out here. A [flippin’] playground for the [persons who perform fellatio].” Read more
Cubs Discover Washington Nationals Are Secretly a Real Life MLB Team
April 27, 2008
(Washington, D.C.) - After starting the season on a blistering tear, winning 15 of their first 22 games, the Chicago Cubs ran into a buzzsaw in the form of the Washington Nationals. The Nationals, losers of 16 of their first 23 games entering the weekend tilt with the Cubs, have been hiding a secret all season, it seems: They’re a major league team. Read more
Chicago Cubs Pull Racist Shirt, Public Relations Department Kicks Off Ill-Conceived “We So Solly” Campaign
April 25, 2008
picture courtesy Chicago Sun Times
(Chicago, IL) - The Chicago Cubs have halted production of an unlicensed Kosuke Fukudome shirt containing offensive material. The shirt bore the traditional Cubs bear face, but with slanted eyes and wearing Harry Caray-style glasses. It was accompanied by the words “Horry Kow!” written in a “Japanese” script. Read more
Cub Republican Caucus Disappointed Fred Thompson Dropped Out of Race; Wonder Now Who Will Stop All the Gay Terrorist Immigrants from Aborting Christian Babies
April 25, 2008
(Columbia, S.C.) - In the heart of South Carolina, site of the most recent Republican primary, several Cubs have been stumping for weeks for their candidate of choice: Former Actor/Model/Senator, Fred Thompson. The group of Cubs - which includes relievers Scott Eyre and Ryan Dempster, and infielders Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot, and who call themselves the “Cub Republican Caucus” - were crushed to learn Tuesday, however, that Thompson had dropped out of the race.
“We are deeply saddened by Senator Thompson’s decision,” Theriot said. “He stands for the values we hold dear - guns, using guns against terrorists, using guns against immigrants, using guns against gay marriage. And he doesn’t make me feel self-conscious about being the same size as his absurdly young trophy wife.”
;)
Thompson, long tired of insults hurled about “getting his old hands off his grand daughter,” decided to marry her.
Dempster, suspected by his teamates to be a member only because of the word “Caucus,” seemed to take the news the hardest. “I don’t know what to believe in now. If I can’t follow a guy who played a tough -nosed district attorney on Law and Order, and a misogynist factory boss on Roseanne, I probably won’t follow anyone.”
Scott Eyre’s greatest concern was who now to support. “Who can provide us with the striking combination of leadership, wit, Southern charm, hardcore conservative values, and bags under his eyes that look like extra large pillow cases?”
“I’d support Huckabee, but I’m not a huge fan of his ‘I’m-a-crazy-person’ platform,” Eyre continued. “I dig that McCain was a war hero, but his face looks like a man sack that’s been soaking with the dishes for about an hour. So I guess we’ll be throwing our support to [former New York City mayor Rudy] Giuliani. I’m pretty sure we have to or he’ll have us killed.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Hopefully no Cubs actually supported Thompson, and that chick is not actually Thompson’s grand daughter. It’s his grand daughter’s daughter. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Ryan Theriot “Thanks God” There’s a ‘Step Up 2′ - Laments That There Was Not Enough Hip-Hop Action in ‘Step Up 1′
April 25, 2008
;)
Theriot was also quick to point out that he has suffered from a severe pop-and-lock deficiency since the December 2006 release of the original. ‘Step Up 2′ is slated for wide release on Valentine’s Day.
Flashback Headlines
- Tony LaRussa refuses to talk with Mills Fleet Farm representatives for entire weekend
- Prince Fielder leads team in HR (30), RBI (72) and CWPPA (14.7)
- Cubs Suspicious of Ramirez’s Latest Ailment: Bulimia
- NEWSBRIEF: ESPN Launches New Channel - ESPNSantana
- Lou Piniella: Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present OK, Ghost of Christmas Future “Kind of a dick”
- NEWSBRIEF: MLB Announces Other Teams Besides the Red Sox and Yankees Now Authorized to be “Rumored to be Doing Stuff”
- Local Fan Won’t Shut the Hell Up About Ohman Joke
- Hendry Hopes to Replace Jacque Jones with “The Asian Jacque Jones”
- Geovany Soto Misunderstands “Pitchers and Catchers Due to Report Date;” Comes to Camp with Dr. Seuss Book Report
- Women’s College Basketball Tournament Finally Arrives!
