New Cub Carlos Silva Ready to Kick Ass, Take Names - Will Start with the Names Part
March 14, 2010
(Mesa, Arizona) - For the most part, the Chicago Cubs sport the same faces as they did last season. There were few departures and few new arrivals, but one of the new guys is hoping to show his teammates that he’s ready to participate at a minimally acceptable level.
New Cubs pitcher Carlos Silva, acquired from the Seattle Mariners in exchange for malcontent Milton Bradley, is fighting for a spot in the rotation, and he says this is the year that he’ll kick some ass. Maybe. Read more
Ryan Dempster’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Debut Generally Ill-Received
February 20, 2010
(Chicago, IL) - The room was packed to the edges with photographers, industry leaders, friends, and family. Everything had been planned, down to the finest detail. It was a big day for Chicago Cubs pitcher Ryan Dempster.
No, it wasn’t the arrival of a new child, or a post-no-hitter press conference. Today, Dempster was unveiling another side of him - not father or pitcher, but model. Ryan Dempster was at the launch party for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. But all the planning in the world could not have prepared him for the response to come. Read more
Carlos Zambrano Tells Fans to Start Calling Him “The Situation”
January 25, 2010
(Chicago, IL) - The Major League Baseball off-season is hitting its strides, and players all over are finding ways to cope with the long stretch of downtime. Some players like to relax and take vacations. Other players begin a workout regimen, ensuring that their bodies are in peak physical condition for the subsequent season.
Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano found a way to combine the two, and was recently on a local radio show touting his new physique and his recent vacation. Read more
In Light of McGwire Steroid Revelation, Sammy Sosa Admits He Can Speak English
January 16, 2010
(New York, NY) - Folks always suspected that something illicit was behind Mark McGwire’s explosive numbers during his playing days. It was some five years ago when, before Congress and the entire world, Mark McGwire refused to speak about his past, effectively admitting his transgressions. And then this week, McGwire formally admitted to steroid usage during his playing career.
But Mark McGwire was not the only participant at that Congressional hearing who left the Congressmen and national viewers scratching their heads. Former Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa also testified that day, but admitted nothing - indeed discussed almost nothing - deferring with empty, short statements, offered in terribly broken English. Today, Sosa is ready to set the record straight. Read more
Cubs Sign Marisa Miller to be New Center Fielder and Designated Distraction
December 28, 2009
(Chicago, IL) - The offseason has started inauspiciously for the Chicago Cubs. After much ballyhoo surrounding the expected trade of Milton Bradley, the Cubs have done little else to better themselves in advance of the 2010 season.
But Cubs general manager Jim Hendry hopes that will change soon, with the long-awaited addition of a new center fielder. Still, the choice has left many pundits scratching their heads. And adjusting their trousers. Read more
Randy Wells Concerned to Learn that Carlos Zambrano is His Secret Santa
December 16, 2009
(Chicago, IL) - The holiday season is squarely upon us, and even the Chicago Cubs, coming off a brutally disappointing 2009 season, are full of the Christmas spirit. Among other festivities, the team, as it does every year, is participating in a Secret Santa gift exchange.
Candies and packages tied up with strings - the players truly go all out for each other at this time of year. But not every Cub is excited about giving and receiving gifts. For just as the exchange is an annual tradition, so too is it a tradition that the player receiving gifts from pitcher Carlos Zambrano is bound to be disappointed at best - and terrified at worst. Read more
Eager to Return to Relevance, Sammy Sosa Repeatedly Crashes Car into Hydrant, Tree
December 6, 2009
(Porta Rosa, D.R.) - It was not that long ago that Sammy Sosa was the most famous player on the Chicago Cubs, if not in all of baseball. His big arms, long home runs and winning smile captivated fans.
But after diminished performance, steroid allegations, and a boombox incident sapped Sosa of his fame in Chicago, the man has toiled in relative obscurity. That doesn’t mean he’s not still trying to get back in the limelight. Read more
Milton Bradley Starting to Feel Unwelcome
November 24, 2009
(Chicago, IL) - This time last year, the middle of the Chicago Cubs lineup was in need of a boost. General Manager Jim Hendry had several options available - Raul Ibanez, Adam Dunn, and Bobby Abreu, to name a few. But those players simply didn’t bring to the table what Hendry believed the Cubs truly needed.
Conspiracy-spoutin’, eyeball-poppin’, cat-eatin’ craziness. So Hendry checked the stat sheets, and went with a sure thing: Milton Bradley. And Bradley brought his A-game to the Cubs, who were grateful for providing a spark.
But after a year in Chicago, Milton Bradley says he’s starting to get the impression that he’s not wanted anymore. Read more
Jim Hendry: I Knew I Shouldn’t Have Ordered All That Champagne
September 30, 2009
(Chicago, IL) - Well, it happened. It was unexpected, and it took a long time to become official, but it happened just the same.
The Chicago Cubs have been eliminated from 2009 playoff contention.
The players are doing their best to take it in stride, but there is obvious disappointment. And Cubs fans are understandably crushed. But no one seems to be taking it quite as hard as Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry. Though his extreme disappointment does not necessarily stem from what you might think. Read more
Milton Bradley “So Sorry” for Upstaging Taylor Swift
September 15, 2009
(New York, NY) - The MTV Video Music Awards are always a place for excitement. Whether it is beautiful pop stars or elegant movie stars, the event always brings out the glamorous elite.
But Major League Baseball players?
Typically no. But this year’s even was full of surprises. Read more
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Random Flashback Headlines
- Magic Johnson’s AIDS-Celtics Analogy Falls Flat
- Confused, Possibly Comically Racist Lou Piniella Demands Kosuke Fukudome’s Translator Get His Ass Out to Right Field
- Dodgers Manager Joe Torre: “Hu’s on Short? - No, seriously.”
- Cubs Dugout Gatorade Machine: I Never Should Have Slept With Zambrano’s Wife
- Drew Gooden Replacing Ben Wallace By Growing Afro on Chin
- BCS Clusterf*ck Ends in Surprise Notre Dame Selection
- Ryan Theriot Euthanized After Failed Stolen Base Attempt
- MLB Uses Instant Replay to Repeatedly Oggle Erin Andrews
- Lilly Looking Forward to “Being Like Those People in the Valtrex Commercials”
- Lou Piniella Spends Offseason With Adopted Inner-City Black Child
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