Young Cubs Fan “Pretty Sure” Inverting His Hat Causes Cub Wins
May 31, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - This week has seen the Cubs come back late in dramatic fashion in several games, finding a way to win when a win seemed just out of reach. No game exemplifies this come-back spirit more than Friday’s win over the Colorado Rockies. Trailing 8-0 early, the Cubs found a way - as if by magic - to come all the way back in the late innings, and pull out a 10-9 win.
One young Cubs fan thinks he holds the secret to the Cubs victories this week - and he wears it on his head. Read more
Jim Edmonds Skips Thursday’s Game Against Rockies to Watch LOST Finale - Teammates Don’t Really Mind
May 30, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - The Chicago Cubs’ new center fielder and former enemy number one Jim Edmonds skipped last night’s series opener against the Colorado Rockies. Was he nursing a sore back, or taking a day off to clear his mind after his pathetic start with the Cubs? It would make sense, given his lack of production.
No, he was hanging back in his Chicago condo so that he could watch the LOST season finale. And his teammates were pretty ok with it. Read more
Fukudome on Bobblehead Night: “You honor me with giant head”
May 28, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Chicago Cubs right fielder Kosuke Fukudome was celebrated at Wrigley Field last night with his very own bobblehead. And Fukudome returned the favor by going 2-3, driving in a run, and making two spectacular catches in Chicago’s 3-1 win over the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Fascinated by the toy depiction, Fukudome had a great deal to say. Read more
Former Chicago Cubs Pitcher Loses Millisecond-Long Battle with Lightning Bolt
May 26, 2008
Editor’s Note: What happened to Geremi Gonzalez was truly a tragedy. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his friends and family. Humor is how some of us grieve.
(Caracas, Venezuela) - A former pitcher for the Chicago Cubs passed away yesterday in Venezuela. Geremi Gonzalez, 33, pitched in 131 Major League games, compiling 30 wins - 11 of which came for the Cubs in 1997.
Gonzalez died after being struck by a lightning bolt - an affliction he had suffered with for nanoseconds. Read more
Soriano Hits Two-Run Homer Early so We Can’t Call Him a Ridiculotard for Dropped Fly Ball Late
May 25, 2008
(Pittsburgh, PA) - The Cubs wrapped up their weekend series in Pittsburgh against the Pirates with back-to-back crushing, extra inning defeats. Each game was in hand for the Cubs in the ninth, each game was blown that inning, and each game was won by a Jason Bay walk off single. The blame went to closer Kerry Wood for Saturday’s loss, but today, fans turned their ire toward left fielder Alfonso Soriano.
Soriano dropped an easy one-out fly ball in the 9th, which allowed the tying run to score. The Pirates went on to win in the 11th. But we probably can’t say anything, because Soriano homered earlier in the game. Read more
Cubs Drop Series to Astros in Some Kind of Stupid Miniature Golf Park
May 22, 2008
(Houston, TX) - The Chicago Cubs came into their series against the Houston Astros as one of the hottest teams in the league, but leave slightly beaten down, after losing two of three to the Astros. The Cubs really aren’t even sure how it happened - and worse still, they aren’t really even sure what they were playing. It was either baseball, or miniature golf. The Astros ballpark, Minute Maid Park, made it impossible to tell. Read more
Cubs End Chad Fox Experiment - Kill Chad Fox
May 21, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - The Cubs have made a roster move that will shake up the bullpen a bit, removing Chad Fox and calling up Jose Ascanio. Fox, 37, was on his second go-around with the Cubs. He last pitched in the major leagues three years ago for the team - he wasn’t particularly good then, sporting a 6.75 ERA - and after a poor start this year, the Cubs have decided to pull the plug on Fox.
Literally. Read more
Alfonso Soriano Absolutely on Fire This Week - Still Very, Very Ugly Sources Say
May 18, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Cubs fans have watched over the past two years as outfielder Alfonso Soriano went through his peaks and his valleys. When Soriano is hot, there is no better player in all of baseball. When Soriano is cold, fans would rather see the reincarnation of Neifi Perez at the plate than Soriano. This season has been no exception. Soriano started out the season in a profound and deep funk. But this past week, Soriano has completely turned it around, and been hotter than perhaps he’s ever been: in his last seven games, he has 15 hits, seven home runs, 13 RBI, and is sporting a ridiculous .536 average. Suffice it to say, Soriano’s performance swings wildly and unpredictably from highs to lows.
But there has always been one constant with Alfonso Soriano: he is always very, very ugly. Read more
Citing Lack of Testicle-Grabbing Production from Felix Pie, Cubs Sign Jim Edmonds
May 14, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Early Wednesday morning, the Chicago Cubs signed center fielder Jim Edmonds, who had been released just days earlier by the San Diego Padres. The move will displace youngster Felix Pie, who had finally started to put up solid numbers against right-handed pitching, and who plays excellent defense in center. So why would the Cubs sign the 37-year-old Edmonds to replace Pie?
We need more testicle grabbing, the Cubs say. Read more
White Sox Pitcher Almost Throws No-Hitter - Nation Still Watches Cubs
May 7, 2008
(Minneapolis, MN / Cincinnati, OH) - Last night, something incredibly exciting was happening in the baseball world. The Nation turned its eyes to watch something special - something it loved to see happen.
The Chicago Cubs shutout the Cincinnati Reds 3-0. Read more
Random Flashback Headlines
- Cubs Trade Embattled Catcher After Panty-less Escapade
- Nick Swisher on Arrest for Methamphetamine Possession; “Just Trying to Relate to My New Fans”
- Jim Edmonds “Totally Had to Dive” For That Ball
- NEWSBRIEF: Brett Favre Retires to Pursue Writing, Directing and No-Inflection Monotone Acting Career
- Orioles’ Brian Roberts to Cubs: “Do you still like me? Circle one: yes/no”
- NEWSBRIEF: Some Kind of Football Contest to be Played on Sunday
- Big Brown to Change Name to Something Less Reminiscent of a Large Turd
- “Eccentric” Owner George Steinbrenner Leaving Yankees to Become Crazy Old F*ck
- Prince Fielder leads team in HR (30), RBI (72) and CWPPA (14.7)
- NEWSBRIEF: NFL to Simulcast Saturday’s Giants-Patriots Game on NFL Network, CBS, NBC, VH1, HGTV, and Newly-Created Giants-Patriots Game Channel
