Mel Kiper Placed in Induced Coma Until ESPN’s 2009 Draft Coverage Begins in August, 2008
May 9, 2008
(Bristol, CT) - Well the NFL draft has come and gone, and it brings excitement to football fans all across the country. But it brings joy to none more than ESPN analyst, Mel Kiper, Jr. Now that the draft, post-draft coverage, and post-post-draft coverage have concluded, what is Kiper to do until the draft next year? Report on the NFL offseason? College football spring practice, perhaps?
No. ESPN is placing Kiper in a medically-induced coma “for his own good,” ESPN says. Read more
Charlie Weis’ Body Rejecting Gastric Bypass Surgery
April 25, 2008
(South Bend, IN) - Fresh off a historically disappointing season for his Notre Dame Fighting Irish, coach Charlie Weis finds himself in the middle of another struggle: a re-burgeoning midsection.
Long-afflicted with the weight of a small sperm whale, Weis considered a number of options to improve his health before resorting to bariatric, or gastric bypass surgery. Read more
Roethlisberger Takes Blame for Playoff Loss, Fart
April 25, 2008
;)
(Pittsburgh, PA) - Fresh off a first-round playoff defeat at the hands of the Jacksonville Jaguars - the second home loss to the Jaguars in four weeks - the Pittsburgh Steelers were down in the dumps Sunday. And no Steeler was dumping harder than quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.
“I have no excuses for my play out there. I stunk,” Roethlisberger said at a Sunday morning press conference. “We tried to come back after I had crapped things up, but by the end of the fourth, I was gassed.”
But the stinking didn’t end for Roethlisberger - who threw three interceptions in the first half - on the football field. As he readied himself to answer a question about the team’s two two-point conversion failures, it happened: he nearly cleared the press conference with powerfully reverberating flatulence.
“When you’re going for two… (grimaces)… going for two… (lifts leg)… I’m sorry folks. Speaking of two, I think I’ve got some more apologizing to do.”
Reporters immediately took Roethlisberger to task for his airy bowel-gift.
“Look, I could sit up here and say ‘he who smelt it, dealt it.’ But I’m not gonna do that,” the quarterback said. “I am a man, and I am responsible. And frankly, if I denied it, you would all know full well that I had supplied it.”
Roethlisberger refused to take full credit for the pungence of the fart, however. “Yeah, ok, I had some help. When you mix the hot salsa with the medium corn salsa at Chipotle, you’re liable to blow a hole in your shorts. Or poop yourself. I’d like to think I accomplished both here today.”
Roethlisberger then cut his portion of the press conference short to steal away to the restroom stating that he had to “drop a couple footballs in the endzone.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Big Ben did not fart in a press conference, and I’m sure if he did, it would smell like roses. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Eli Manning Seeks Approval from His Big Brother on Playoff Win, Peyton Gives Eli Super Bowl Ring Noogie
April 25, 2008
;)
I Could Benchpress You
April 25, 2008
by Philip Rivers
Look, buddy. I need to fill you in on something before you keep on flapping your gums.
I could benchpress you.
I’m huge, ok? I could benchpress the f*ck out of you. Because I’m a man, and you’re just a little b*tch. Like Jay Cutler or an Indianapolis Colt fan. I’m a tough guy, and you’re a wimp. Look at my guns. I’m getting a boner just looking at them. And my boner is bigger than yours, too.
I hear you jawin’. But you ain’t got nothing on me. I’m an NFL quarterback, loser. I get so many chicks it’s crazy. And they all have breasts. Two of them. And I sure like those. Because I’m a man!
I know you want to criticize me. You might say I’ve been terribly inconsistent this year, and we’re better off with Billy Volek starting against the Patriots. But you know what I say?
If you were a man, you’d arm wrestle me.
You know who else is a b*tch? Tom Brady. I call him Tom Lady. I could kick his ass any day of the week. I could totally bang his girlfriend, Gisele, if I wanted. I could impregnate her way better, too. I probably won’t beat up Tom Lady this weekend, though, because my knee is a little banged up. I can still squat like 700 pounds, though. How much can you do, sissy?
So just shut your stupid mouth before I shut it for you. I’m Philip f*cking Rivers. The Chargers never really wanted Eli Manning. They knew what would happen all along. They wanted this fine piece of meat. I’m the man. You’re not. Deal with it.
;)
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Patriots List Brady as Questionable for Super Bowl with Severely Cracked Chin
April 25, 2008
;)
NEWSBRIEF: Some Kind of Football Contest to be Played on Sunday
April 25, 2008
“Yes, it should be a pretty exciting game,” football thrower Eli Manning said Friday. He and his fellow New York City Gigantics will match against the Boston Patriots in this year’s Super Game, and try to stop the Patriots from being completely victoried in the season.
American football! Catch the fever!
;)
NEWSBRIEF: Plaxico Burress on Stunning Giant Super Bowl Win and Catching the Game-Winning Touchdown: “Grbll mewwa God bugga gumme strunbalalggughaowefrbnewnlskadf!”
April 25, 2008
;)
Giants Bring Home Elusive Championship to the Long-Suffering Fans of New York
April 25, 2008
;)
(New York, NY) - One week after the New York Giants defeated the previously undefeated New England Patriots in one of the most exciting Super Bowl’s in recent memory, the people of New York City are still buzzing about their first championship in literally years.
“We were just happy to do this for our fans, the fans of New York,” Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning said. “It’s a city of loss and heartbreak, so for us to finally bring a championship after all those long years is really special for us.”
It had been nearly an entire decade since New York’s last major championship. The Giants hadn’t won a Super Bowl since Scott Norwood’s gift wide right in 1991. The Knicks haven’t won it all since 1973 - although they seemed poised to make a run at the title any year now with Isaiah Thomas at the helm. The New York Rangers won the Stanley Cup in 1994, but hockey doesn’t really count.
One has to reach all the way back to the year 2000 to find New York’s last major championship. Remember those days? Computers were … well, kind of like they are now. But the Internet was … well, a little smaller, I guess.
The New York Yankees, winners of only 25 chamionships at that time, faced their cross-town rivals, the New York Mets - the good people of New York were assured a championship either way!
New York City had surpassed Philadelphia as the most suffering city, in terms of major sports championships. Philadelphia had gone longer without a championship, but New York is louder, and thus cares more.
“Thank God is all I can say,” New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg mused at the Giants’ victory parade. “I was so sick of hearing about how we were the ‘Winless Metropolis,’ or the ‘City that Never Wins.’ All I can do now is pray that we don’t have to wait another long, miserable seven years for another championship. We just don’t deserve it.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The quotes are fake… the heartache is real. Psyche! Remember when people used to say “psyche”? No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Brett Favre Retires to Pursue Writing, Directing and No-Inflection Monotone Acting Career
April 25, 2008
“I could play another 15 years, sure,” the retiring Green Bay Packer Quarterback said Tuesday. “But I want to explore other opportunities, like Tiki Barber. Ever since my Academy Award-winning performance in ‘There’s Something About Mary,’ I’ve just felt bitten by the bug. The Hollywood bug. I’ve even got a script. Check it out. ‘There’s Something About Mary 2: There’s Still Something About Mary’s Hair.’ I come back, kick that loser Ted’s butt, and me and Mary make sure her hair is always stuck up. Know what I’m saying?”
;)
Flashback Headlines
- Corey Hart Tired of Everyone Suggesting He Switch His Auto Insurance Provider
- Felix Pie to Daryl Ward: “Stop trying to eat me!”
- NEWSBRIEF: Ryan Theriot “Thanks God” There’s a ‘Step Up 2′ - Laments That There Was Not Enough Hip-Hop Action in ‘Step Up 1′
- NEWSBRIEF: Eli Manning Seeks Approval from His Big Brother on Playoff Win, Peyton Gives Eli Super Bowl Ring Noogie
- Jason Kendall Resurrecting Career, “Not unlike Jesus Christ”
- Prince Fielder Becomes a Vegetarian - Meat Industry Files for Bankruptcy
- NEWSBRIEF: Tiger Woods Wins FedEx Cup - Duped into Accepting Dukes of Hazzard Collectible Cup Instead
- Local Blockbuster Refuses to Rent Pornography to Derrek Lee
- Cubs to Go with One-Man Rotation
- Roethlisberger Takes Blame for Playoff Loss, Fart
