NEWSBRIEF: Reggie Bush on Relationship with Kim Kardashian: “There’s a chick attached to that ass?”
April 25, 2008
“I didn’t realize I was ‘dating’ anyone,” the Heisman trophy-winning running back said. “I just saw a gigantic ass, and thought, ‘I gotta be next to that.’”
;)
Cowboys Trade for Pac-Man, Deny Rumor They Will Use 2008 1st Round Picks on Mario Brothers
April 25, 2008
(Dallas, TX) - In between Botox injections, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones denied vehemently the rumors that the Pac-Man Jones trade is a precursor to the selection of Mario and Luigi Smash with the 22nd and 28th picks in the upcoming NFL Draft.
;)
Ey, we make-a mean-a set-a linebackahs!
The Brickyard, acting on advice from Mel Kiper Jr, has now updated their mock draft for picks 22-32 to reflect these rumored discussions.
22. Dallas- Mario Smash, LB
23. Pittsburgh- Banjo Zooie, CB
24. Tennessee- Princess Toadstool, Cheerleader
25. Seattle- Link Swordsman, Quarterback/Gnome Slayer
26. Jacksonville- Mega Man, Wide Receiver
27. San Diego- Ninja Gaiden, ???
28. Dallas- Luigi Smash, LB
29. San Francisco- Samus Aran, Metrosexual/Alien/Punt Returner
30. Green Bay- Sub Zero, Running Back
31. New England- Waluigi Smash, Dirty Cheater
32. New York Giants- Donkey Kong, OT/Building Climber
We thank Mel for his assistance in this mock draft. $10 to anyone who submits a more accurate draft board.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Mel Kiper didn’t really help us with this, only our tortured childhood spent in front of a TV and Nintendo system. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Koz.)
New England Patriots Cheat on Boardgames, Taxes, Wife, but “Never Football”
April 25, 2008
(Foxboro, MA) - The New England Patriots, embroiled in a scandal involving the video taping of opponents’ coaches during games - a violation of league rules - have released a statement following the Commissioner’s decision to fine the team, and remove a draft pick:
First and foremost, we would like to take back any apologies that may have been offered on our behalf by coaches or players in this organization. We do not apologize. We disagree vehemently with the Commissioner’s decision, and we will fight it wherever we can - in the league office, in a courthouse, or in a monkey knife fight.
We did not do anything wrong. We would never cheat to win a football game. We are the kind of men who do not do that sort of thing. We may cheat on a boardgame here or there, and we may even cheat on our taxes - though we still contend that money earned in a contest to see how many $20s can stick to Tom Brady’s naked body covered with maple syrup does not qualify as “income” under the current Tax Code.
We also may at times cheat on our wives. Like this one time I met this Peruvian chick at O’Hurley’s on 3rd, and she was wearing this silk blouse and these come-and-get-it-hooker boots, you know the type, and she was all, “Do you play football?,” and I’m all, “Yeah baby, and I can get us in any club you want,” and she was like dancing like you wouldn’t believe and we went hog-crazy behind this 7-11 before this hobo… wait. Um. What was I talking about?
Oh, right. Right. Football. We would never cheat on football, and we will stand by that statement until the end. Thank you for your attention, and if anyone has Rick Ankiel or Troy Glaus or Gary Mathews, Jr.’s phone number, please direct it to our attention. We just need their help with a little project. Thanks.
Roger Broadbent
Spokesman
The New England Patriots
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Patriots did not actually release this statement, but rest assured, if they did, a Chicago Cubs news and parody blog would totally be the first place they’d think of. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Instability in Al Anbar Province in Iraq Continues - Rex Grossman Blamed
April 25, 2008
Grossman also to blame for slow Katrina response, Chicago Bears offensive struggles, pregnant mothers’ deaths on the island of “Lost,” the Britney Spears trainwreck, and the weakness of the US dollar in foreign currency markets.
;)
Grossman has also been blamed for the declining popularity of “doggy-style.” (photo credit: Deadspin)
NEWSBRIEF: Ashley Lelie “Kind of Pissed” That His Name is Ashley
April 25, 2008
;)
Lelie also pissed that he can’t find flats to match his autumn handbag.
BCS Clusterf*ck Ends in Surprise Notre Dame Selection
April 25, 2008
;)
(South Bend, IN) - After stunning season-ending losses by first-ranked Missouri, and second-ranked West Virginia - the former to a solid Oklahoma team, the latter to a middle school girls rugby team - voters in the Coaches Poll and the Harris Poll were charged with the difficult task of determining what two teams were most deserving to take their places. The two polls, along with a computer poll average, are ultimately used to determine the top two teams - the teams that will compete in New Orleans for the BCS National Championship.
For voters, the first choice was simple: The Ohio State Buckeyes. In addition to only losing once - to an Illinois team that barely lost at home at night to a Michigan team without its starting quarterback or running back, which had itself managed to come within a blocked field goal of defeating last year’s [I-AA] national champion - the Buckeyes’ resume includes impressive victories over fierce in-state rivals Akron and Youngstown State, and a season full of the kind of grinding, methodical offensive performances fans nationwide love to watch.
Deciding what team would face Ohio State, however, was a much more difficult decision.
Would it be SEC Champion LSU? PAC-10 Champ USC? ACC Champion Virginia Tech?
No, the voters decided resoundingly. It would be independent powerhouse, Notre Dame.
“No, we weren’t the least bit surprised,” on-again, off-again fat guy Charlie Weis said of the selection. “We churned through a tough schedule this year, and ended on a two-game winning streak. That includes a victory over three-time national champion Duke.” [ed. - the Duke Blue Devils are three-time national champions in basketball, not football. Incidently, had Notre Dame played the Duke basketball team in football, the game would almost certainly have been tighter]
After the selection was announced late Sunday, rampant speculation flew concerning just what led to the 3-9 Fighting Irish being included in the National Championship over 118 arguably more deserving teams.
“It’s all about fans and money and objections to contraception,” LSU fan, Toothless Rusty Watson said Monday. “Notre Dame did not deserve to go, but I sure will enjoy watching that sexy chica Jimmy Clausen on a national stage.”
And what of Notre Dame’s more than decade-long bowl losing streak? Does Weis believe this is the game they will finally get it done?
“Absolutely,” Weis said. “I will personally eat each and every Buckeye until they’re down to playing with the scout team. Then I think we’ll have a solid chance.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Notre Dame will not be playing in the National Championship game this year. They will, however, compete in the aforementioned middle school girls rugby championship. And lose. Badly. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: NFL to Simulcast Saturday’s Giants-Patriots Game on NFL Network, CBS, NBC, VH1, HGTV, and Newly-Created Giants-Patriots Game Channel
April 25, 2008
;)
“This could be history, and we just felt like it was the right thing to do for those who don’t have access to the super awesome, completely perfect NFL Network,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Wednesday. “And for those without access to any of the 43 television channels and 83 radio stations, we will be taking the unprecedented step of beaming the game directly into the brains of our fans. Subscription to a sports tier brain package may be necessary.”
Marcus Vick: “Hey, I’m a talented asshole criminal, too!”
April 25, 2008
(Newport News, VA) - While older brother and Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was pleading guilty in federal court on Monday to charges stemming from an illegal dog-fighting ring, Marcus Vick was pleading his own case: he needs attention.
“It’s always Michael, Michael, Michael,” Marcus Vick lamented from a nondescript but not altogether un-cozy underpass late Monday night. “Do you know what it’s like to be his younger brother? To live in his shadow? Every time I do something awful, Michael’s right there one-upping me. It’s hurtful.”
Marcus, 23, has had a rollercoaster ride full of tumult and legal trouble beginning with his brief time as the quarterback at Michael’s alma mater, Virginia Tech. “I thought that I finally had something on Michael there at [Virginia] Tech. We were both quarterbacks there, but he was a national phenomenon, and unbelievable talent. He even took them to the National Championship Game,” Marcus said with a sneer. “But me, pfft. I was on point. I got suspended at least a couple times, I stomped legs. The point is, in college, everyone knew who the worse Vick was. It was me, and it was great.”
“But every time I felt like I started to pull away, set myself apart, and become the truly worse Vick, Michael had to step in and screw me,” Marcus continued. “I mean, Ron Mexico? What am I supposed to do with that?”
“I provide alcohol to underaged girls and get caught with a little weed, he gets caught with some weed at a freaking airport! I flick off a couple people in Morgantown on ESPN with one finger, he freaking drops a double finger flick off in front of 80,000 people in the Georgia Dome. I really started to feel like I would never be the horrible, criminal douchebag that my older brother was.”
“I’ve got him this time, though,” Marcus said with terrifying glee in his eyes. “He thinks he’s gonna steal all the negative attention with dog fighting? Just wait until you see the headlines tomorrow when I start a kuala bear fighting ring! Everyone loves koala bears! Or actually, better yet, I’ll start a koala bear EATING ring! Then they’ll see! They’ll all see!” At this point, Marcus broke off into a super villainesque evil laugh, tried to stomp my leg, and I felt it best to end the interview.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Marcus did not say these things, although, sadly he did do most of them. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Random Flashback Headlines
- NEWSBRIEF: Study Shows Most Cubs Players Graduated from Valley High
- Cubs Tanking to Get Number One Pick Greg Oden
- Baseball gods tired of the same old Cubs curses, decide to “go Exodus on the Northsiders”
- Snow Relieved to Learn Cubs Aren’t Playing
- Felix Pie to Daryl Ward: “Stop trying to eat me!”
- Dusty Baker Admits to Managing Under the Influence
- NEWSBRIEF: One-Year Anniversary of Cory Lidle’s Death Passes - NYC Mayor Declares it OK to Wonder Who the Shit Cory Lidle is Again
- Rich Hill Nearly No-Hits Brewers - Julio Lugo Successfully No-Hits Wife
- Pujols to LaRussa: “You can’t come to my birthday party!”
- Lou Piniella: Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present OK, Ghost of Christmas Future “Kind of a dick”
