Grease-Covered John Madden Doesn’t Know What Happened to the Turducken
November 26, 2008
(New York, NY) – We all have Thanksgiving traditions. For some of us it is turkey and mashed potatoes. For others, it’s taking time to give thanks for the many blessings of life. For others still, it’s explaining to your mother why it didn’t work out with Gina, and yes you are going to give her grandchildren at some point, and no you don’t know why your life is such a mess, and no you’re not just trying to hurt her.
But for NFL announcer John Madden, Thanksgiving tradition has always meant two things: football and turducken. Read more
Trent Green Looking for Job as Bears’ Quarterback
November 24, 2008
(St. Louis, MO) – The Chicago Bears bounced back from an embarrassing defeat last week at the hands of the rival Packers, as they crushed the hapless St. Louis Rams on Sunday afternoon. It was needed, valuable, and solid victory.
But one St. Louis Ram wants the Bears to know they couldn’t have done it without him. Read more
Bears’ “Coordinator for a Day” Program Ends in Disaster
November 17, 2008
(Green Bay, WI) – Lovie Smith just wants what’s best for the Chicago Bears and the fans of the Chicago Bears. But sometimes the path to getting absolutely shit-kicked by the Green Bay Packers is paved with best intentions.
Earlier this month, Smith announced a new program that would allow two fans, selected by random drawing, to serve as offensive and defensive coordinators for a game. It never sounded like a good idea. Read more
Kyle Orton Regrets Selling Ankle for Success
November 10, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Bears quarterback Kyle Orton could only sit on the sidelines and watch yesterday as the Bears went down to the Tennessee Titans 21-14. He could only sit on the sidelines and watch as his replacement – the man he replaced – Rex Grossman struggled to do much of anything positive against a quality Titan defense.
Orton could only watch, because he out with a bum ankle.
And he’s ready to admit that it’s his fault. Read more
Stout Bears Defense Wins Defensive Battle with Defense
October 20, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – For years, the calling card of the Chicago Bears has been its defense. A defense so vaunted that it struck fear in the hearts of opponents before they even took the field.
And like the fine wine, the Bears’ defense has only gotten better with age. They showed it once again yesterday, winning a defensive slugfest with fellow defensive stallwort, the Minnesota Vikings. Read more
Pacman Jones Victim of NFL’s Draconian “Eight Strikes and You’re Out” Rule
October 15, 2008
(Dallas, TX) – Adam “Pacman” Jones has been suspended indefinitely by the NFL following an alcohol-related scuffle involving his bodyguard just 41 days after he was reinstated to the league.
The suspension could run as short as four games, or could be permanent. The severity of the punishment, some say, underscores how out of touch the league is with modern times. After just a couple handfuls of missteps, Jones could be out of the NFL for good. Read more
Chicago Bears Can Name that Tune, Lose that Game in 11 Seconds
October 13, 2008
(Atlanta, GA) – On Sunday, trailing by nine points late into the fourth quarter against the Atlanta Falcons, the Chicago Bears decided it was time to put an incredibly special talent on display.
No, it wasn’t the furious comeback that saw the Bears take a one point lead with just 11 seconds left.
It was the impressive ability to somehow lose the game in those 11 seconds. Read more
New York to Deal with Unwanted Media Attention as Brett Favre Arrives
August 7, 2008
(New York, NY) – With a trade to the New York Jets, the Brett Favre saga is finally at a close.
Or is it?
Sure, we now know what will happen with Favre vis a vis the Packers – they dumped him as unceremoniously as a middle school girlfriend – but how what happens in his new home, New York? Read more
Cash-Strapped Bart Starr Wondering How Much Packers Will Pay Him to Stay Retired
August 1, 2008
(Green Bay, WI) – As soon as word broke that the Green Bay Packers had offered retired quarterback Brett Favre $20 million to stay retired and end further comeback drama, reactions exploded all across the country from both fans and detractors. Would he accept it? Is it enough? Too much?
But some reactions were far more personal. Read more
Mel Kiper Placed in Induced Coma Until ESPN’s 2009 Draft Coverage Begins in August, 2008
May 9, 2008
(Bristol, CT) – Well the NFL draft has come and gone, and it brings excitement to football fans all across the country. But it brings joy to none more than ESPN analyst, Mel Kiper, Jr. Now that the draft, post-draft coverage, and post-post-draft coverage have concluded, what is Kiper to do until the draft next year? Report on the NFL offseason? College football spring practice, perhaps?
No. ESPN is placing Kiper in a medically-induced coma “for his own good,” ESPN says. Read more
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Random Flashback Headlines
- Mel Kiper Placed in Induced Coma Until ESPN’s 2009 Draft Coverage Begins in August, 2008
- Jason Kendall Resurrecting Career, “Not unlike Jesus Christ”
- Celebrity Deaths Clearly Taking Toll on Milton Bradley
- Trent Green Looking for Job as Bears’ Quarterback
- Kerry Wood is a Closer in the Same Way that Kyra Sedgwick is a Closer
- Schedule Leaves Cubs with Say in Wild Card, Cubs Choose San Diego Padres
- NEWSBRIEF: Cincinnati Reds Take Aim at 2009-2011 Number One Overall Picks, Hire Dusty Baker as Manager for 2008-2010
- Cubs Reluctant to Approve Carlos Marmol’s “Pitch Every Single Day of the Year” Approach
- Chicago Bears Can Name that Tune, Lose that Game in 11 Seconds
- In Light of McGwire Steroid Revelation, Sammy Sosa Admits He Can Speak English
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