Jennie Finch Retires from Softball; Softball Also Decides to Retire

July 21, 2010

jennie finch head shot(Oklahoma City, OK) РSoftball superstar Jennie Finch, best known for her dominating performances as a pitcher at Arizona and for the United States team, has decided to hang up her spikes. Perhaps as well known for her dazzling beauty as her blazing fastball, Finch played professional softball for the better part of 10 years.

But after those long years, Finch has decided to spend more time at home with her husband – former Major League pitcher Casey Daigle – and four-year-old son, brilliantly named Ace.

In a related announcement, the sport of Softball has announced that it, too, has decided to retire. Read more

Tiger Woods Emerges from Rehab Cured of Sex Addiction – STDs Remain

February 7, 2010

(Jackson, MS) – PGA superstar and questionable husband Tiger Woods has had a rough few months. After being busted by his wife for sexing 15 other women and one guy, Woods disappeared from the public eye while he tries to recover his battered reputation.

Where he was spending that time was something of a mystery until he recently re-emerged from a sex clinic deep in Mississippi, proclaiming that he had been cured. Well, cured of the sex addiction. Read more

Michael Phelps Signs Endorsement Deal with Funyuns

February 6, 2009

michael phelps funyuns stoner

(Los Angeles, CA) – Six months ago, you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing and hearing the news about America’s golden boy, Michael Phelps. He had just done what no other person had ever done: he won eight gold medals in a single Olympics.

Flash forward six months, and once again, you can’t go anywhere without seeing and hearing the news about America’s golden boy, Michael Phelps. But this time, the news is less flattering. Read more

Michael Phelps Wins Record-Breaking Eight Gold Medals, but Has to Shave Arms to Do It

August 18, 2008

Michael Phelps shows off hot swimmer body

(Beijing, China) – It was a record-smashing week in Beijing for U.S. Men’s Swimming superstar Michael Phelps. When he secured his eighth gold medal on Sunday, he broke Mark Spitz’s 36-year-old record for gold medals in a single Olympics. The nation – perhaps the world – cheered Phelps on, and watched in a amazement at his historic accomplishment.

But this story has an ugly side that the mainstream media refuses to report. Read more

Doctors Concede Tiger Woods “Probably didn’t need that bionic knee we gave him”

June 17, 2008

Tiger Woods US Open

(Torrey Pines, CA) – Tiger Woods has made a career of doing the incredible – and making it look easy. Yesterday, he won the U.S. Open, his third, after a 19-hole playoff. That, alone, was not incredible. Afterall, everyone knows Tiger is a fierce competitor. What is incredible is that he was able to do this in his first tournament – indeed his first few rounds of golf – since knee surgery just weeks ago. As Tiger winced and limped around the course, his performance was reminiscent of Willis Reed for the New York Knicks many years ago.

But the doctors who performed Tiger’s knee surgery have admitted that maybe he doesn’t deserve all of the credit. Read more

Detroit Red Wings Awarded Stanley Cup Under Shroud of Mystery, Apathy

June 5, 2008

Red Wings Win Stanley Cup

(Pittsburgh, PA) – The NHL revealed late Wednesday night that it had selected this year’s Stanley Cup winner: The Detroit Red Wings. The sports world’s best kept secret began leaking when a few conspiracy theorist types claimed they had seen the Red Wings win the Cup live on television. While the NHL denied such ridiculous claims, the League did eventually decide it was best to let the cat out of the bag. Read more

Big Brown to Change Name to Something Less Reminiscent of a Large Turd

June 4, 2008

Big Brown Kentucky Derby Win

(Elmont, NY) – In just a few days, all eyes will converge on Belmont Park for the 140th running of the Belmont Stakes. Big Brown will attempt to become the first horse to win the Triple Crown since Affirmed pulled off the feat exactly 30 years ago. You would think that under such momentous circumstances, Big Brown would be fierce and focused on the task at hand. But like many prima donna athletes today, he’s concerned with things that just don’t seem to matter. Read more

Sexy Woman Named Danica Patrick Able to Drive

May 24, 2008

Danica Patrick Ass

(Indianapolis, IN) – Thousands will flock this Memorial Day weekend to Indianapolis, Indiana to watch racing’s biggest event: The Indianapolis 500. But perhaps the larger story is the ever-increasing popularity of one of the drivers.

Danica Patrick – as well known for her sexy physique and stunning looks as her sport – is a tremendous success story, and it is no surprise that fans have been drawn to her. But that doesn’t mean her story isn’t full of surprises. Read more

Belmont Stakes: A Triple Crown Winner or a Horse Dies, or Your Money Back!

May 23, 2008

2008 Belmont Stakes

(Elmont, NY) – The Belmont Stakes, the third leg of the throroughbred Triple Crown following the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness Stakes, is held annually in Elmont, New York. Interest in the event, outside of the horse racing world, it often tempered unless a horse has already won the first two legs of the Triple Crown. Fortunately for organizers of the race, taking place June 7th this year, the horse Big Brown won the Derby and then also the Preakness. Instantly, the event was transformed into “the Belmont Stakes” from “that horsey race that nobody gives a shit about.”

But they want you to know that’s not the only reason to get excited about the Belmont Stakes this year. Read more

Barry Melrose Tells Family He Works for ESPN, Leaves it at That

May 16, 2008

Barry Melrose Hockey at ESPN

(Bristol, CT) – Barry Melrose is known to hockey fans as ESPN’s voice of the NHL. Barry Melrose is known to everyone else as that slightly creepy guy with greasy hair and an uncomfortable goatee.

It seems that the distinction is true even in Melrose’s inner circle of friends and family. This has been made noticeable because Melrose is too embarrassed to tell his loved ones that he is a hockey analyst. Read more

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