NEWSBRIEF: Pittsburgh Penguins Respond to Washington Senators Signing Alexander Ovechkin to 13-year, $134 Million Extension by Signing Sidney Crosby to 16 Consecutive Lifetime Contracts
April 25, 2008
“Some people question just how productive Sidney will be when he’s 85,” Chairman Mario Lemieux said Friday. “Oh, and additionally, how productive he’ll be when he died 12 lifetimes ago. But we think we’re doing the right thing for this franchise. Sidney is pretty good at hockey.”
;)
Tennis Vixen Anna Kournikova Loses Another Tournament; You Would Still Bang Her
April 25, 2008
(Orlando, FL) - Beautiful tennis player Anna Kournikova, better known for her looks than her tennis playing, recently lost another tournament. Kournikova was participating in the Denny’s Diabetes Challenge, a charity event in Orlando featuring a field comprised of celebrities, children, and diabetics - none of whom were actual tennis players. Kournikova bowed out in the first round, losing 6-1, 6-0 to diabetic New Years Rockin’ Eve host Dick Clark, who was using the tournament as he rehabilitates from a 2004 stroke.
But the news isn’t all bad for Kournikova.
You’d totally still bang her.
;)
Anna, doing what she does best: Breathing and standing. And silent. Ever so silent.
“Yeah, I know she sucks at tennis,” you told your friends Thursday night. “But I’d still hit it.”
As if your friends were skeptical, you thought it necessary to continue to reassure them. “No, seriously, I’d totally still bang her. Good at tennis, bad at tennis. Whatever, you know? She’s beautiful, and I’d make time for her.”
You even went so far as to state that you would “definitely pick Kournikova” if given the choice between bedding Anna Kournikova and beautiful and actually talented tennis player Maria Sharapova.
You also confirmed that you would still “do her” if she were missing an arm or a foot, if she was anti-semetic, or if she “had a really tiny penis.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Anna actually hasn’t played in any kind of tournament for like 2 years. You’d still bang her, though. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
NEWSBRIEF: Tiger Woods Wins FedEx Cup - Duped into Accepting Dukes of Hazzard Collectible Cup Instead
April 25, 2008
“Well, it’s not like I had any idea what the FedEx Cup was,” Woods lamented. “I mean, do you? I can’t believe I fell for plastic cup with a gigantic picture of Boss Hogg, though. I knew I shouldn’t have kissed the thing. It tasted like bacon grease and sweat.”
NEWSBRIEF: Evil Knievel Passes Away at 69 - To Jump the River Styx on “Evil” Pow-Pow-Powerwheel
April 25, 2008
“I don’t think he can do it, man,” the Boat Man said. “And you don’t want to fall in that shit, believe you me. Feels like getting hugged by Mark Mangino after he runs a 5k.”
Tiger Woods: “Call me Chupacabra Woods”
April 23, 2008
(Dublin, OH) - Fresh off defeat at The Memorial where he was never really in contention, and after comments by fellow golfer Rory Sabbatini that he was more beatable than ever, Tiger Woods is taking dramatic steps to reclaim his position atop the PGA tour: He’s changing his name.
“The name ‘Tiger’ no longer instills fear in my competition,” Woods explained. “I needed something new that would really terrify the other golfers. Eldrick never really scared anyone, and I was always a God-awful golfer, so from the very beginning I knew I needed an edge. My name was my edge. Grrr. I’m the Tiger! You see? I saw you cringe in terror. But my opponents, they’ve become used to the Tiger. I needed a new name - a new identity. I am the Chupacabra. Fear my scales!”
Woods plans not only to change his nickname, but also his biochemical and genetic makeup. “It’s not enough to be called Chupacabra, I must become Chupacabra.” When asked how he plans to initiate such a transformation, Woods scoffed, “I’ll have one bite me, obviously. I’ve seen Danny DeVito around town. A guy who looks like that can’t be purely human.”
;)
Artists rendition of what Chupacabra Woods will look like. Note this rendition is indeed post-change.
“I’m tired of trying to win tournaments with precision accuracy and clutch putting,” Woods continued. “I will now win the way golfers were intended to: by systematically dissolving my opponents’ internal organs and removing and eating their eyes and genitalia.”
“I have honed my new skills by practicing against goats and small cows. The cows had a sick short game, but I think it was my tenacity that won out in the end. My tenacity, and my 57 pounds per square inch of bite pressure.”
Woods’ absurdly mismatched beauty of a wife, Elin Nordegren, says that although at first she resisted the move, she will support her husband. “Yes, at first I was against it. I was afraid of what it would be like to be (pauses) intimate with a mythical goat-sucking beast,” Nordegren explained. “But then I remembered that I have only ever been intimate with Tiger once anyway, and that was an accidental handy on our honeymoon, so I figured what the heck.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Tiger did not say or do these things, and neither did his trophy Elin. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
91st Indianapolis 500 to Run on Sunday, Nobody to Give a Shit
April 23, 2008
(Indianapolis, IN) - The historic Indiapolis 500 Grand Prix race will run this Sunday, May 25th. IndyCar series superstars like Helio Castoneves and Michael Andretti, as well as racing siren Danica Patrick, will all be participating. Race organizers are excited for the weekend’s festivities and look forward to a great race. But they do have just one concern: Nobody really gives a shit.
For years IndyCar fans have flocked to Indianapolis Motor Speedway for the Indy 500 to bask in the sun and take in terrific racing. But lately, interest in the “sport” has dipped - much of it stolen away by the wildly popular NASCAR series. NASCAR fan Earl “Bucket” Tibbs, 43, managed to string together enough moderately coherent sentence fragments to share his thoughts. “It used to be great Indy 500 we watch that stuff all the time, who boy. But now it ain’t. NASCAR where it at boys. I took my shirt off two year ago at Indy and they kicked my ass out. Forget that. Last year I took my pants off at Daytona and someone gave me a trophy. That’s where it’s at now, boy.”
IndyCar organizers have had trouble understanding and adjusting to the waining interest in their sport. “We just don’t get it,” said regional coordinator Mark Randolph. “Formula One has it all - fast cars going around a track again and again. Did I mention they’re fast? Because they are. Very. We think that’s a [pauses] formula for success! [waits for response] Nothing? I gotta stop letting my wife write my material.”
The race will start Sunday at 1 p.m., and those seeking tickets are encouraged to administer tack hammer blows to the forehead until the urge subsides.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Indy 500 is actually very… well, boring. Sorry. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Flashback Headlines
- Local Blockbuster Refuses to Rent Pornography to Derrek Lee
- The Nation Mourns its Fallen Hero
- Marcus Vick: “Hey, I’m a talented asshole criminal, too!”
- Roger Clemens distracted by “that Flitwick-lookin’ dude” during Congressional Hearing
- Lilly Looking Forward to “Being Like Those People in the Valtrex Commercials”
- Soriano-less Cubs Beat up on Reds; Or - How Alfonso Soriano’s Leg Exploded Playing Hopscotch
- Cubs Discover Washington Nationals Are Secretly a Real Life MLB Team
- NEWSBRIEF: Hansbrough Fouled by Opposing Team, Devours Flesh as Revenge
- Hendry Hopes to Replace Jacque Jones with “The Asian Jacque Jones”
- NEWSBRIEF: Plaxico Burress on Stunning Giant Super Bowl Win and Catching the Game-Winning Touchdown: “Grbll mewwa God bugga gumme strunbalalggughaowefrbnewnlskadf!”
