But after those long years, Finch has decided to spend more time at home with her husband – former Major League pitcher Casey Daigle – and four-year-old son, brilliantly named Ace.

In a related announcement, the sport of Softball has announced that it, too, has decided to retire.

“First, I just want to congratulate Jennie on a tremendous career,” Softball said at a Wednesday afternoon press conference. “She has done more for me than any other player, and I’m truly grateful.”

“But now that Jennie is gone, I’m going to have to retire,” Softball explained, holding back tears. “I’m not saying that Jennie was the entirety of the sport, but I can’t name another softball player. Can you? I’m not entirely sure another one exists.”

As for the future, Softball says it first expected to soldier on, venturing into other sports as its skills allowed. But soon after declaring for the WNBA draft, Softball learned that the league had folded.

Where he was spending that time was something of a mystery until he recently re-emerged from a sex clinic deep in Mississippi, proclaiming that he had been cured. Well, cured of the sex addiction.“I did it,” Woods pronounced at an impromptu press conference at a Jackson Starbucks, next to a Hooters restaurant. “It was a grueling process, but I can say with confidence that I’m basically completely cured of the sex addiction that has plagued my life. If only the process could cure the side effects of so much loving.”

“You can’t bang a metric ton of cocktail waitresses and not get a little touch of something,” Woods explained. “A cold, or mono. Maybe a little lip sore. And, sure, a little AIDS and various other love scars.”

Throughout Woods’ bizarre confession, he remained surprisingly upbeat, saying, “So I got a little AIDS. I’ll be fine. Magic Johnson had AIDS for years and now no one even remembers that.”

But even if Woods really is cured of his addiction, if not a myriad of penis-crackling STDs, everywhere he looks is a cruel reminder of how difficult his struggle against sex addiction will be.

“Yes, I’m cured, but there’s women literally everywhere,” Woods said as he nervously eyed a comely barista. “Like, see her? Ok, yes, I had a little bit of sex with her when you were in the bathroom. But it was just a little bit. It’s hard, you know? I’m still definitely cured, though.”

“Ultimately, it was a good process, and I compliment the sex rehab facility. When you think about it, it just makes so much sense. Take a bunch of sex addicts, stick ‘em under lock and key in a house together, and let them sort it all out. It worked for me.”

(Los Angeles, CA) – Six months ago, you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing and hearing the news about America’s golden boy, Michael Phelps. He had just done what no other person had ever done: he won eight gold medals in a single Olympics.

Flash forward six months, and once again, you can’t go anywhere without seeing and hearing the news about America’s golden boy, Michael Phelps. But this time, the news is less flattering.

Earlier this week, Phelps was photographed smoking marijuana out of a particularly righteous looking bong. Though he apologized profusely for his mistake, many wondered if it would be enough to keep his fans. And perhaps more importantly, whether it would be enough to keep his lucrative sponsorship deals.

As it turns out, it doesn’t really matter, because Phelps just picked up one of the most valuable endorsement deals in sports history: Phelps will be endorsing Funyuns snacks.

“It was pretty incredible how it happened,” Phelps said. “And it’s obviously a perfect fit.” Phelps recalls how he landed the deal with a gigantic, absent smile on his face:

“I was telling my buddies that we had to get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man. Some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars. A whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows, and little chocolate bars, and we can make s’mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap’n Crunch with the little Crunch berries. Pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on ‘em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyuns.”

“And this Frito Lays rep heard me say it, and offered me the gig on the spot.”

Funyuns are a cornmeal-based, round snack treat. They are covered lightly in onion-flavored powder.

The deal is worth a reported $55 million over the next three years, but Phelps has been given the option of receiving his payout in Funyuns. And based on his comments at a press conference announcing the deal, he may accept it that way.

“Dude. We’re here to talk about Funyuns. Onion Funyuns. They are Funyuns because they are fun. And delicious, and round. Like a ring. And you can see through it in the middle, and that’s what we do. What we do with it. With each other. We see the middle of each other. Together. Togetherness. We… um. What were we talking about?”

(Beijing, China) – It was a record-smashing week in Beijing for U.S. Men’s Swimming superstar Michael Phelps. When he secured his eighth gold medal on Sunday, he broke Mark Spitz’s 36-year-old record for gold medals in a single Olympics. The nation – perhaps the world – cheered Phelps on, and watched in a amazement at his historic accomplishment.

But this story has an ugly side that the mainstream media refuses to report.

Yes, Michael Phelps won an amazing eight gold medals…but at what cost?

It seems that before Phelps jumped into the pool this week, in order to streamline his body in the water, he did the unthinkable: he shaved his arms. Though it will require further video evidence to confirm, he may have even shaved his armpits. That is not an appropriate use of a razor blade. Just ask Carlos Zambrano.

Even if he does the smart thing and melts down his eight gold medals, and forms them into one gigantic super medal, it still hardly seems worth it.

Though he has the body of a Greek – well, Olympic – God, his manliness is forever tainted by the fact that his skin is as hairless as a tiny baby. One that had also shaved its arms.

Sure, he could probably get any woman he wants now, and could probably beat me up with his left pinky. But any self-respecting man knows that the only acceptable place to shave is the face, and maybe the coinpurse for a special occasion. Though if you shave that area, beware of Jim Edmonds’ grabby hands.

So while the media paints Michael Phelps as an American hero, we are willing to report the truth. What he did was impressive. But you, sir, Michael Phelps, may keep your eight gold medals, millions of dollars, and scores of hot chicks. I will keep my arm hair.

If baseball, football and basketball aren’t your thing – and you like, for example, swimming humor – check out our other sports parody news: http://www.thecubsbrickyard.com/category/othersports/

(Torrey Pines, CA) – Tiger Woods has made a career of doing the incredible – and making it look easy. Yesterday, he won the U.S. Open, his third, after a 19-hole playoff. That, alone, was not incredible. Afterall, everyone knows Tiger is a fierce competitor. What is incredible is that he was able to do this in his first tournament – indeed his first few rounds of golf – since knee surgery just weeks ago. As Tiger winced and limped around the course, his performance was reminiscent of Willis Reed for the New York Knicks many years ago.

But the doctors who performed Tiger’s knee surgery have admitted that maybe he doesn’t deserve all of the credit.

“Sure, it’s impressive what he’s done, but a lot of people could do it with the equipment we stuffed in his knee,” Dr. Rejkik Handel said late Monday. “Tiger came in for a knee scope, and he came out with a $6 million knee.”

Woods, arguable the greatest golfer of all time got a decided boost from his new titanium-nickel alloy, hydrolic-powered, laser sight guided, grenade deploying bionic knee, his doctors say. But why would they give such a knee to a man who clearly has such amazing physical gifts already?

“We’re prepared to admit that [Woods] probably didn’t need that bionic knee we gave him,” Handel said. “But he looked so sad and helpless on the table, those puppy dog eyes and all. And we were a little distracted by his wife’s [model Elin Nordgren] um, un-needing-surgery-knees…”

It was at that moment that Tiger Woods’ doctors decided that they could rebuild him, they had the technology – of course they admitted that they also had the technology to bash his hips in, rendering his career over. Semantics, they say.

“We wanted to help him end his embarrasingly long 6 year U.S. Open drought. No man should be forced to live with such shame.”

Following the confessions of Woods’ doctors, will history remember his victory differently? Is it tainted? Is it tarnished by the fact that we now know those weren’t grimaces of pain Tiger was making, but instead, he was simply harnessing the power of the bionic knee?

Either way, word was rapidly spreading around the golf world of Woods’ doctors success, and others were lining up for bionic surgeries of their own. Woods’ US Open playoff opponent, Rocco Mediate has asked the doctors to surgically graft a bionic nametag onto his chest, so that people will know who the hell he is.

Before everyone gets excited, the doctors do warn that their bionic surgeries are not always effective. Many years ago, a young golfer came to them for a pair of bionic legs when the surgery went completely awry. He’s never been the same, doctors say. That young golfer was Casey Martin.

“Have you seen his legs since then?” Handel recalls. “Creepy.”

In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, intended for humor, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Tiger probably does not have a bionic knee. But to have gotten that wife… he must have a bionic something. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.

(Pittsburgh, PA) – The NHL revealed late Wednesday night that it had selected this year’s Stanley Cup winner: The Detroit Red Wings. The sports world’s best kept secret began leaking when a few conspiracy theorist types claimed they had seen the Red Wings win the Cup live on television. While the NHL denied such ridiculous claims, the League did eventually decide it was best to let the cat out of the bag.

“We can now confirm that the Detroit Red Wings have been awarded the 2008 Stanley Cup. Congratulations, and apologies to our runner-up, the Pittsburgh Pirates, or something like that, and their star Sidney Crosby,” and NHL press release read.

Though it is nice to know who has won the Cup, some people wonder why the NHL didn’t just play a season this year, and have the traditional Stanley Cup playoffs to determine the winner.

“I don’t get it,” sports fan Eddie Piflin said Thursday. “I never heard a word about the NHL this year, so I’m just assuming they skipped the whole season and the playoffs, and then just up and awarded the Stanley Cup to the Red Wings. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really care.”

Those same conspiracy theorist types who claim they saw the Red Wings actually play and win the Stanley Cup on television also claim there was in fact an NHL season this year.

“Bullpucky – ha, hear what I did there?” Piflin said. “If there had been a season, I would have noticed, probably. Heck, it would have been the first NHL season they’ve had since Wayne Gretzky retired.”

In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. There was actually a season and playoffs this year – the media just did a really good job of keeping it on the down low. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.

(Elmont, NY) – In just a few days, all eyes will converge on Belmont Park for the 140th running of the Belmont Stakes. Big Brown will attempt to become the first horse to win the Triple Crown since Affirmed pulled off the feat exactly 30 years ago. You would think that under such momentous circumstances, Big Brown would be fierce and focused on the task at hand. But like many prima donna athletes today, he’s concerned with things that just don’t seem to matter.

“First of all, I want you to stop calling me ‘Big Brown,’” the powerful colt said at an early Wednesday press conference. “You may call me ‘Seattle Stew’ or ‘Medium Yellow.’ Those are my new names. I’m so good, I need two. I shall refer to myself as Medium Yellow. I’m tired of having a name that sounds like someone just dropped a big deuce. I’m not poop. I’m a warrior.”

“Second, I want to discuss my stud fees. I’m not interested in this ‘money’ concept of yours. For my stud fees, I want apples. Hundreds and thousands of delicious apples. I love apples. And in my dressing room before the race? More apples. Arranged in a big circle, with carrots in the middle so that it looks like a peace sign.”

Asked whether he is even thinking about the race on Saturday, and what he is doing to prepare, the horse formerly known as Big Brown was indignant. “Practice? We talkin’ ’bout practice? Not a race, not a race, not a race, not a race. Practice. We talkin’ ’bout practice.”

“Look, Medium Yellow is gonna do what Medium Yellow needs to do. It’s just a race, it’s not life. Even if I lose, I’m gonna be swimming in beautiful phillies, contractually-obligated to make sweet, minute-long horse love to me.”

At that point, Big Brown/Medium Yellow/Seattle Stew donned a large cape and crown, picked up a midget sidekick, and sauntered off from the press conference.

In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Big Brown is still Big Brown, and is probably not this much of a prima donna. But only because he cannot talk. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.

(Indianapolis, IN) – Thousands will flock this Memorial Day weekend to Indianapolis, Indiana to watch racing’s biggest event: The Indianapolis 500. But perhaps the larger story is the ever-increasing popularity of one of the drivers.

Danica Patrick – as well known for her sexy physique and stunning looks as her sport – is a tremendous success story, and it is no surprise that fans have been drawn to her. But that doesn’t mean her story isn’t full of surprises.

Danica Patrick was born in Beloit, Wisconsin in 1982 with driving in her blood. Clearly a prodigy, she showed an aptitude for successful driving when she was licensed by the state to drive an automobile at the unprecidented age of 16.

“I didn’t really think of myself as different,” Patrick recalls. “I just knew that if pressed on the right pedal the car would go, and the left would make it stop. And the wheel was for turning. It all just made sense to me.”

And Patrick did not stop there. Though stop signs, parallel parking, turn signals, traffic lights, assured distance, speed limits, and paying attention while driving were never her strong suits, Patrick was able to particpate in a sport where none of those concerns could cause her any problems.

“I started racing at a very young age,” Patrick said. “I didn’t really win much, but I always looked good. Putting on makeup while taking sharp turns going 150 miles per hour isn’t easy, and usually I didn’t crash.”

It wasn’t long before the Indy Racing League – the pinnacle of what a driver can accomplish – came calling for Danica Patrick. “I knew we wanted her from the moment I saw her,” League chairman Petros Stauck revealed earlier this week. “I mean look at her. We initially recruited her to be one of those sexy babes who holds up signs in the pit area in a bikini. But then I saw her in a parking lot get into a car on the freaking driver’s side. I thought to myself, ‘how cute, she’s confused.’ But then all of the sudden, the car starts, and it pulls away! Without hitting more than a couple other cars’ bumpers!”

Patrick’s leaguemates agree that her story is impressive. “The really amazing part here is not that she is able to successfully compete in the Indy Racing League,” fellow racer Marco Andretti said, “it’s the fact that she’s able to drive an automobile at all. Similarly, the fact that she’s a sexy woman doesn’t make it more surprising, it’s just the fact that she’s a woman at all. Did I mention that I’m single, by the way?”

Patrick will take the wheel on Sunday at the Indy 500, and who knows what will happen. Maybe her surprising story will taken another unexpected turn, and she will be rewarded with her greatest victory yet. But maybe, just maybe, she’s already achieved more success than anyone could have expected.

She has nice boobs. Not as nice as Erin Andrews’ body, though.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. We would NEVER lower ourselves to such a level as to make women driver jokes. That’s lame. But we would find any excuse possible to post pictures of Danica Patrick. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

(Elmont, NY) – The Belmont Stakes, the third leg of the throroughbred Triple Crown following the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness Stakes, is held annually in Elmont, New York. Interest in the event, outside of the horse racing world, it often tempered unless a horse has already won the first two legs of the Triple Crown. Fortunately for organizers of the race, taking place June 7th this year, the horse Big Brown won the Derby and then also the Preakness. Instantly, the event was transformed into “the Belmont Stakes” from “that horsey race that nobody gives a shit about.”

But they want you to know that’s not the only reason to get excited about the Belmont Stakes this year.

“We’re all incredibly excited to see Big Brown go for a Triple Crown. Something not seen since Affirmed in 1978,” Belmont Stakes chairman Wayne Thibidault said this week. “But there is so much more to be excited about this year. It’s been an exciting racing season, and we want to capitalize on it. So we’re telling people: come, watch the Stakes. If you don’t see a Triple Crown winner, or you don’t see a horse die, we’ll give you back the price of admission.”

“Maybe Big Brown will win. Maybe his heart will explode. You just don’t know. It’s the suspense that keeps it exciting.”

If the promotion is successful, organizers are considering future events, should there not be a Triple Crown contender. “We would like to figure out a way to get the jockeys more involved. Something involving a trampling, or maybe let fans whip them. I don’t know, we haven’t totally thought it through yet,” Thibidault said. “We just know that whatever it is, it will be totally humane, and we’ll treat the jockeys just like they were regular people. We got to keep PETA out of things.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one would ever run such a promotion. It would probably lose money. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

(Bristol, CT) – Barry Melrose is known to hockey fans as ESPN’s voice of the NHL. Barry Melrose is known to everyone else as that slightly creepy guy with greasy hair and an uncomfortable goatee.

It seems that the distinction is true even in Melrose’s inner circle of friends and family. This has been made noticeable because Melrose is too embarrassed to tell his loved ones that he is a hockey analyst.As the Stanley Cup Playoffs roar on – that’s right, they’re going on right now – one would think that Barry Melrose would be shouting loud and proud that he is the main man at ESPN when it comes to NHL hockey. But at a family reunion earlier this week, Melrose was reticent to fully explicate the parameters of his employment with ESPN. He was heard to remark several times that he works at ESPN, without elaboration. Sometimes going as far as to say in response to questions about hockey that he “does a lot of different things for ESPN.”

“So I didn’t go into details, eh,” Melrose said. “What’s the big deal? I do work for ESPN. I didn’t think they would be interested in the exact nature of my work. I’m not saying I’m ashamed of it, it’s just not very sexy. At least not as sexy as my slick mane. Or as sexy as my ESPN co-worker Erin Andrews.

“Look, I love hockey. But I understand that it’s not for everyone. I love the hits, the two-line passes, assists, the hat tricks, the pacing, the glove saves… hey! Where are you going?!”

Melrose says he has begun studying up on American football in hopes for inclusion this fall in ESPN’s NFL coverage so that he can more proudly share what he does with his family at next year’s reunion.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. We’re sure Barry is proud of his hockey coverage. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)