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3-Day Waiting Period Saves Lives as Despondent Cubs Fans Await Word on Carlos Zambrano’s Shoulder Injury

June 19, 2008

sad cubs fan

(Chicago, IL) – Cub fan Tim Smithey is had a crummy day yesterday. The Chicago Cubs lost for the second day in a row, surprisingly-good Jim Edmonds left the game with a foot injury, and ace Carlos Zambrano let the game with as-of-yet undisclosed “shoulder discomfort.”

And then, worst of all, Tim couldn’t even buy a gun to blow his brains out. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Chicago Cubs | 8 Comments 

The 5-Minute Superfan: June 16, 2008

June 16, 2008

Welcome to the third installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out. Well we’re back from a completely undeserved vacation, and hope you survived without us. The Cubs certainly did, losing just once this week, and continuing their torrid pace. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under The 5-Minute Superfan | 1 Comment 

Soriano Hits Two-Run Homer Early so We Can’t Call Him a Ridiculotard for Dropped Fly Ball Late

May 25, 2008

Cubs Lou Piniella and Alfonso Soriano

(Pittsburgh, PA) – The Cubs wrapped up their weekend series in Pittsburgh against the Pirates with back-to-back crushing, extra inning defeats. Each game was in hand for the Cubs in the ninth, each game was blown that inning, and each game was won by a Jason Bay walk off single. The blame went to closer Kerry Wood for Saturday’s loss, but today, fans turned their ire toward left fielder Alfonso Soriano.

Soriano dropped an easy one-out fly ball in the 9th, which allowed the tying run to score. The Pirates went on to win in the 11th. But we probably can’t say anything, because Soriano homered earlier in the game. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Chicago Cubs | 1 Comment 

Alfonso Soriano Absolutely on Fire This Week – Still Very, Very Ugly Sources Say

May 18, 2008

Cubs Sign Alfonso Soriano

(Chicago, IL) – Cubs fans have watched over the past two years as outfielder Alfonso Soriano went through his peaks and his valleys. When Soriano is hot, there is no better player in all of baseball. When Soriano is cold, fans would rather see the reincarnation of Neifi Perez at the plate than Soriano. This season has been no exception. Soriano started out the season in a profound and deep funk. But this past week, Soriano has completely turned it around, and been hotter than perhaps he’s ever been: in his last seven games, he has 15 hits, seven home runs, 13 RBI, and is sporting a ridiculous .536 average. Suffice it to say, Soriano’s performance swings wildly and unpredictably from highs to lows.

But there has always been one constant with Alfonso Soriano: he is always very, very ugly. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Chicago Cubs | 4 Comments