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Tony LaRussa refuses to talk with Mills Fleet Farm representatives for entire weekend

April 23, 2008

(Saint Louis, MO) Two weeks after Tony LaRussa took a stand against the Post-Dispatch for taking a “cheap shot” against the Cubs, the manager of the Saint Louis Cardinals has now proclaimed that he will not talk with any employee – no matter what position – from the Midwestern retailer.

“I went in to buy a [stinking] citronella candle and exchange my empty propane tank and all seemed well,” said a visibly angry LaRussa. “But when I got in my car, I noticed that they short-changed me at the register. Those [jerks] owe me two dollars and change.”

Cardinals Tony LaRussa
When asked by Fleet Farm representatives to indicate the discrepancy between the change owed him and the change received, Mr. LaRussa chose to communicate with hand gestures, rather than break his self-imposed code of silence.

When reached for comment, Ernie Arsbecker – night manager of the Bloomington store – said, “We sure do apologize to Mr. LaRussa for the oversight. We’re more than happy to send him a check for the money we owe, along with a $50 gift certificate for his troubles.”

When told of this, LaRussa chuckled, “I bet they’d like that. Listen to me. Tony LaRussa can’t be bought and sold by Mills Farm and Fleet. I want nothing to do with them…at least until Monday when I need to buy a replacement light bulb for the garage.”

Sources also report that LaRussa is considering a weekend hunger strike after the Wendy’s drive-thru employee gave him a Spicy Chicken sandwich instead of the Grilled Chicken sandwich that he ordered.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)

Written by Ace · Filed Under Baseball | 1 Comment 

Albert Pujols Adjusting to Life in His 40s

April 23, 2008

(Chicago, IL) - St. Louis Cardinals First Baseman Albert Pujols is trying his best to shake off the rust of the offseason and of old age, as he and the Cardinals are scuffling a bit out of the gate this season. Pujols, who turned approximately 40 earlier this week, is struggling to break the .200 mark so far this year.

“I just can’t do all the things I used to be able to do. I can still swing the bat a bit, but my reaction time is fading, my legs are shaky, and my memory isn’t great, either. My reaction time is also slower,” Pujols said after the Cardinals lost to the Cubs in Chicago Saturday afternoon. The Dominican-born Pujols was 1 for 3, which brought his season average up to .203.

New York Met and octagenarian Julio Franco says he can relate to the adjustments Pujols is facing. “It’s hard when your legs start to go a little bit, and you’ve got that first hip replacement. And you just can’t steal second as well when you’re carting the oxygen tank. My walker helps, though.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Albert did not say or do these things, although the crappy batting average is true. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

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