Lou Piniella expands Scott Eyre’s horizons through the Big Brothers Big Sisters program
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Looking to fill a void in his life, Lou Piniella volunteered to be a Big Brother through the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. When Scotty Eyre, 34, found out his new Big Brother was Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella, he could hardly believe it.
When asked about the program, Eyre replied, “I am just so happy to have someone to play with, talk to, and help me if I have a problem at school.”
And Big Brother Lou is honored to have the chance to make an impact on this young man’s life. “I just want to be a positive influence for Scotty – someone he will always remember or can come to talk to about anything,” said Lou. “Plus, being the manager of the Cubs, I can give Scotty unique opportunities that he wouldn’t otherwise be able to experience.”
“He never, ever yells at me when the kids on the other teams hit the ball really far when I throw it to them. That makes me feel good,” said little Scotty, when asked about the recent struggles of the Cubs ‘pen.
Expanding horizons through the power of one-to-one friendships.
When grilled by the media about continuing to use Eyre in crucial situations, Lou guffawed, “What is more important? The future of this young man or a silly baseball game? I’m trying to create memories that will last a lifetime here. I’m not concerned about the outcome of the game. GROW UP!”
“Me and my Big Brother are going to Chuck E. Cheese next week!” added Eyre.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Blind Retarded Ape Feces Which Comprises Cubs’ Management “Not Great at Baseball Stuff”
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - There is unrest in Cub nation. Fans are growing increasingly disillusioned with the Cubs’ mediocre performance, and management’s confused actions. Fans say that eventually, they might reconsider their allegiance to an organization run by blind, retarded, ape feces.
Chicagoan James Pressley, 27, believes it’s time for change. “Look, I came into this thing not expecting perfection. I understand that blind, retarded, ape feces is not Billy Beane. But at some point, you have to ask yourself if the blind, retarded, ape feces running your organization is the right blind, retarded, ape feces for the job. They just don’t seem particularly great at, you know, baseball stuff.”
Asked for comment, Cubs’ blind, retarded, ape feces gurgled softly, emitted a pungent hiss, and demoted Ryan Theriot to AAA.
Penny Wyler, 32, echoed Pressley’s sentiments. “Having five starting-calibre outfielders for three spots is bad, but understandable. Stuff like that is forgiveable. But I can’t imagine even average blind, retarded, ape feces making some of the decisions the Cubs’ blind, retarded, ape feces has made. Guzman yanked from the rotation? Dempster going into the rotation? I’m beginning to think our blind, retarded, ape feces does not have all that much baseball experience.”
The blind, retarded, ape feces that is Cubs’ management has claimed that it, more than anyone, truly hopes the Cubs do not flush the season down the toilet. We shall see.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Cubs’ management is not actually blind, retarded, or comprised of ape excrement - the astute reader will note that the above picture is actually coyote poop. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Local Blockbuster Refuses to Rent Pornography to Derrek Lee
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - On Friday night, Derrek Lee headed to Blockbuster Video to do what any normal, married, American male likes to do that time of the week: rent nasty, low-budget lesbian pornography. But the visit wasn’t a happy one for Lee. He was told to do his business - and “do his business” - somewhere else.
“Look, I love the Cubs, and I love Derrek Lee,” night manager Brian Mayer explained. “But we all saw what happened to him last year. He broke that wrist, and he was out almost all season. And we stunk without him. No sir, I’m not willing to take the risk of being responsible for aggravating that prior injury. And don’t get me started on what could happen with that neck injury he’s got now.”
;)
“Don’t go through the beads, Derrek,” Mayer cautioned. “You’re just not welcome.”
Lee protested, but Mayer stood firm. “If I rented him that copy of ‘V for Vagina,’ there was only one outcome. He tried to tell me he could switch-hit, but I just wasn’t buying it.” Lee’s first attempt at mainstream cinema viewing was also rebuffed by Mayer. “Yeah, he put back the stag flick, and brought up ‘New York Minute’ [the 2004 comedy starring Eugene Levy and Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen], but I still couldn’t rent it to him. He had this look in his eye like he wasn’t getting the movie for its brilliant acting and delightful plot devices.”
Ultimately, Mayer allowed Lee to rent “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” “It was a close call,” Mayer said, “but I think I made the right decision.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Derrek Lee would never attempt to rent pornography. Probably. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Local Fan Won’t Shut the Hell Up About Ohman Joke
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - “Did you freaking hear that, Jim? OH MAN, here comes Ohman! I JUST thought of that. Like right now. Can you believe it? I’m a genius!” Cubs fan Bob Curry screams, as he slaps the man sitting next to him on the back, “but it could be… Wuertz! Am I right?” In truth it seems Curry, a fan of many pun-esque jokes involving Cub players’ names, came up with the “Ohman joke” some 4 weeks ago, and hasn’t shut up about it since.
“I like to think of myself as inspirational to the other fans around me. They look up to me. I’m like their Harry (as he lifts his shirt up to reveal medically inexplicable amount of curly black hair on his chest) Caray Curry!” Curry shouts through thirsty gulps of beer and eyerolls from other fans in attendance.
Curry, known to lob such pearls as “here comes the Dumpster [referring to closer Ryan Dempster],” and the somewhat obtuse “watch out for Mark De-not as good as Sosa-Rosa!” has taken special interest in his “Ohman joke.” “I freaking love when Ohman comes in, because I get to use the joke. It’s my best one. Everyone loves it, and it’s so freaking original!”
Other fans aren’t quite as taken with Curry as he seems to think. “That guy is an idiot,” says Shirley Bask, 37. “Every time Jason Marquis pitches, he asks all the women if they want to ‘get all Marquis de Sade with him,’ whatever that means. And he won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Why? Because he wants you to say ‘Soria-No.’”
“The thing that [stinks] about Woody Woodpecker (laughs to himself) and Marcy Prior being hurt is that their hot wives don’t come to the games anymore. I used to absolutely crack them up with my jokes. They loved me, and I was this close to a crazy threesome when they [Kerry Wood and Mark Prior] went down.” Curry takes another swig of his Budweiser, thinking for a moment on what he just said, and giggles to himself. “Haha. Went down. See - sometimes I don’t even realize I’m being hilarious!”
Curry has submitted his jokes, including the “Ohman Joke” to several publications, but as of yet, only the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier has run with the story.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Haha, Bob isn’t real anyway! No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Clubhouse Baffled, Unnerved by Matt Murton’s Assertion that He’d “Do Renee Zellweger”
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - As the Cubs were coming down from their 15-inning heartbreaking loss to the Pirates early Wednesday morning, the clubhouse was abuzz with something else very disappointing: Matt Murton finds Renee Zellweger attractive.
“It all started when Alfie [Alfonso Soriano] was talkin’ about that Shakira and Beyonce song, and he was saying that without a doubt, he would totally do both of them,” Cubs catcher Michael Barrett said. “At once, separately, with or without ricotta cheese. Whatever, you know?”
But then things took a sinister turn. Barrett recalled, “Murton turns to me and says, ‘Yeah, they’re pretty hot. But you know who is just crazy hot? Renee Zellweger. I’d totally do her.’ It was awful, man. It was like he was completely unaware that she’s a hideous man-monster from the deep.”
;)
Zellweger’s gargoylesque visage circled the Cubs clubhouse Wednesday.
The bizzare and terrifying revelation spiraled through the clubhouse and eventually made its way to the coaching staff. Hitting coach Gerald Perry was especially disappointed. “You spend hours and hours teaching a kid what to hit. And it’s like he wasn’t even listening.” Manager Lou Piniella was also upset, “He wonders why he isn’t getting more playing time. It’s [stuff] like this.”
Murton quickly tried to back down from his statement, claiming that, “I thought she was one of those chicks in Hanson. They were hot.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Matt did not say, do, or think these things. And Renee Zellweger is… gulp… a very… ok… looking… um… handsome woman. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Ward Wins One for the Cubs in Extras - Celebrates by Going on Pic-a-nic Basket Nabbing Spree
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Daryl Ward was the hero Sunday afternoon at Wrigley Field, but by Sunday evening, he was the goat. The Cubs were tied 3-3 in the 10th with the visiting Washington Nationals when Daryl Ward smacked a single into deep left field, scoring Matt Murton, and giving the Cubs the 4-3 win. Overcome with joy, and eager to celebrate, Ward left Wrigley to do what he loves best: stealing pic-a-nic baskets.
Ward, seen here fleeing nearby Wrigleystone National Park, is safely in ranger custody.
After a spree that lasted nearly three hours, covered six parks, and countless scared and injured picnic-goers - one man lost an arm - Ward was finally apprehended at approximately 6:45pm CST by Park Ranger Donald Smith. “Finally!” a visibly relieved Park Ranger Smith exclaimed. “We have been hunting the culprit behind these picnic-related hijinx for decades. And now we’ve got him. We’ve got our Cub.”
Smith explained that Ward was captured using an elaborate system of ropes, pulleys, and honey-glazed hams. “We weren’t sure if we were going to get him. He kept trying to get his little buddy, Booboo (recently-demoted infielder Ronny Cedeno) to take the bait first. But eventually he went for it.”
Among Ward’s victims was Chicago Bears return specialist Devin Hester. When asked how he was outrun and outwitted by the lumbering Ward, Hester shrugged, and could only offer a muddled, “I guess he’s smarter than the average Bear.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Daryl did not say, do, or eat these things. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Cesar Izturis Tests Positive for Performance-Decreasing Drugs
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Cesar Izturis is unlikely to play with the Cubs this weekend as the Nationals visit because he has failed a mandatory drug test. Izturis’ urine samples tested positive for crummocrapastinklone, a drug commonly linked with decreasing a player’s performance on the diamond.
Izturis was unavailable for comment, but several of his teamates were already speaking out about the test results. “Sure, we were a little suspicious,” Derrek Lee said. “Ok, so he’s bad, yeah. But after a while, you start to wonder. Can a guy naturally really be this bad?”
;)
Cub fans will be disappointed to learn that Izturis’ atrocious .193/.258/.263 line may have been chemically reduced
Infielder Ronny Cedeno was upset by the news. “He didn’t need to do this. He was already pretty darn bad,” Cedeno said. “How much worse does a guy really need to get? When he started sucking in the field, I knew something was up, and frankly it really makes me mad. I have worked so hard to suck naturally that it is an insult to hard-working guys like me to hear that he’s been reducin’.”
In related news, former Cub pitcher Glendon Rusch has tested positive for Crisco.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Cesar did not say, do, or pee these things. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Cubs Tanking to Get Number One Pick Greg Oden
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - After spending more than $300 million in the offseason, the Chicago Cubs have struggled out of the gate, limping to an early 9-13 record. But the Cubs are telling fans not to worry because they have a plan: they’re losing on purpose so they can select Ohio State freshman center Greg Oden in the upcoming NBA draft.
“We know fans have been concerned with the team’s early losses, but we want to assure all Cub fans that we know what we’re doing,” President John McDonough said Friday. “Greg Oden is a dominating presence in the post. He can score, he can rebound, and he plays great defense. He’s exactly what we need. And he’s charismatic, too. I can market the heck out of that guy!”
Cub players aren’t as confident in the plan, but they say they trust the front office. “At first I was a little concerned because Greg Oden plays basketball and is going to be in the NBA draft, not the Major League Baseball draft. I mean, I was pretty sure they are like, completely different drafts. And different sports,” Cubs catcher Michael Barrett said. “But regardless of what we think, and regardless of how [freaking mentally-challenged] the front office seems, they know what they’re doing. They’ve got a proven track record, at least when it comes to trying to lose.”
The Cubs, winners of two in a row, will try to get back to their losing ways this afternoon in St. Louis when the Cubs take on the Cardinals in the second game of their three-game weekend series.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. John McDonough did not actually say or do these things. The Cubs Front Office is actually totally super duper awesome! No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Prior Undergoes Shoulder Surgery - McDonald’s Transfers Him from 15-day to 60-day Disabled List
April 23, 2008
(Irving Park, IL) - If you ask the average baseball fan where Mark Prior is, you will probably get a muddled “I don’t know.” If you ask the average Cubs fan where Mark Prior is, you will either get an irate “who cares?” or a dispassionate “I think he’s still rehabbing in extended spring training with the AAA club.” But if you ask a resident of Irving Park in Northwest Chicago, you’ll get a much more excited response: “That guy can sling a McGriddle like nobody’s business!”
While taking a break from baseball, Prior was recruited by the Irving Park McDonald’s to serve as one of the franchise’s five starting Associate Morning and Mid-afternoon Assistant Managers. “It’s a pretty good gig, and hey, a guy’s gotta work. Baseball wasn’t putting food on the table. So now I am. And I get a serious discount,” Prior said of the job last week.
Prior may have served his last Mighty Kids Meal in a McDonald’s uniform.
But the news is not all good for Prior and the McDonald’s franchise. Wednesday morning, Prior underwent exploratory surgery in his right shoulder where a slight tear in his labrum was discovered. “All I’ve been asking myself the last two days is ‘Why?’ Why my flipping shoulder?” Prior lamented. “Same darn thing happened to our [french] fry guy, Larry, but it was his non-flipping shoulder. Lucky bastard.”
Prior has attempted to start flipping burgers with his left arm, but with little success. “The problem is, I have all this genetic looseness in my left shoulder, so flipping is really hard,” Prior explained.
With the franchise’s recent moving of him first to the late, late night shift, and now to the 60-day disabled list, it’s looking more and more like he will be off the job for the rest of the season. Most local restaurant pundits believe that even if he is able to come back this season it will just be for mop-up duty.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Mark Prior did not actually say or do these things, although I’m sure he could sling a mighty fine McGriddle if he were so inclined. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Cubs to Go with One-Man Rotation
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - After Wade Miller’s poor outing on Sunday against the Cardinals, Chicago Cubs Manager Lou Piniella has decided it’s time for a change. The Cubs’ short-lived experiment with a five-man pitching rotation is over.
“Yeah, we tried to give it a go with five starters, but I just don’t think it’s working anymore. We’re gonna have to go back to a one-man rotation of Rich Hill,” Piniella said Monday morning. “[Wade] Miller has been awful, [Carlos] Zambrano isn’t exactly winning the Cy Young [award], I’ve never liked [Jason] Marquis, and the offense refuses to score when [Ted] Lilly pitches. So we’re going with Hill.”
According to ESPN baseball expert Buster Olney, who had never heard of the Cubs, the move is unprecedented. “Are you [freaking] serious? One guy? That’s ridiculous. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” Olney said.
The Cubs are more optimistic. Hill has been excellent on the year, going 3-0 for the Cubs with a miniscule 0.41 ERA. Hill says he’s ready for the move. “I’m not gonna lie. I kinda wondered how long it was gonna take for them to get me out there a little more often. I just want to do whatever helps the Cubs win, and if it means throwing 1300 innings this season, I’m up for it.”
Hill will start in place of Carlos Zambrano this evening against the Brewers, and after undergoing a special stretching program designed just for Hill by the Cubs training staff, he will either go again for the Cubs on Tuesday, or be out of baseball forever.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
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