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Ward Wins One for the Cubs in Extras - Celebrates by Going on Pic-a-nic Basket Nabbing Spree

April 23, 2008

(Chicago, IL) - Daryl Ward was the hero Sunday afternoon at Wrigley Field, but by Sunday evening, he was the goat. The Cubs were tied 3-3 in the 10th with the visiting Washington Nationals when Daryl Ward smacked a single into deep left field, scoring Matt Murton, and giving the Cubs the 4-3 win. Overcome with joy, and eager to celebrate, Ward left Wrigley to do what he loves best: stealing pic-a-nic baskets.

Cubs Daryl Ward Steals Basket
Ward, seen here fleeing nearby Wrigleystone National Park, is safely in ranger custody.

After a spree that lasted nearly three hours, covered six parks, and countless scared and injured picnic-goers - one man lost an arm - Ward was finally apprehended at approximately 6:45pm CST by Park Ranger Donald Smith. “Finally!” a visibly relieved Park Ranger Smith exclaimed. “We have been hunting the culprit behind these picnic-related hijinx for decades. And now we’ve got him. We’ve got our Cub.”

Smith explained that Ward was captured using an elaborate system of ropes, pulleys, and honey-glazed hams. “We weren’t sure if we were going to get him. He kept trying to get his little buddy, Booboo (recently-demoted infielder Ronny Cedeno) to take the bait first. But eventually he went for it.”

Among Ward’s victims was Chicago Bears return specialist Devin Hester. When asked how he was outrun and outwitted by the lumbering Ward, Hester shrugged, and could only offer a muddled, “I guess he’s smarter than the average Bear.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Daryl did not say, do, or eat these things. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Written by Ace · Filed Under Chicago Cubs | 2 Comments 

Felix Pie to Daryl Ward: “Stop trying to eat me!”

April 23, 2008

Felix Pie pictures

(Chicago, IL) - Center field prospect phenom, Felix Pie, has been called up from AAA Iowa to temporarily replace Alfonso Soriano in center for the Chicago Cubs. Pie, 22, is enjoying his first taste of the big leagues. His only complaint is that a teammate is trying to enjoy a taste of something else: Felix Pie.

“I’m so excited to be a part of the big team. I’ve got a lot to learn, but I really think I can help out,” Pie said. “Everyone has been really helpful and encouraging so far, and I love the guys in the clubhouse. The only real problem is that Daryl Ward keeps trying to eat me.”

Upon learning that Pie was being promoted to the major league team, rotund Cub bench player, Daryl Ward, was reportedly overcome with joy. “Seriously? Pie is joining the team? I’m so freaking excited. I love Pie!”

Aside from informing Ward that his name is pronounced “pee-ay,” Pie has had to remind Ward on at least four occasions already that he is not an item of food. “He keeps coming at me with a can of Reddi-Wip [whipped cream] and this crazy look in his eye. I’m a little afraid to sit in the dugout between innings.”

Pie will do his best to keep from being eaten alive by both Ward and major league pitching later this afternoon as the Cubs continue their home series with the San Diego Padres.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Written by Ace · Filed Under Chicago Cubs | Leave a Comment