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Chicago Bulls Decide to Go Very Young in NBA Draft - Take Freshman Derrick Rose in First, Zygote in Second

June 27, 2008

Derrick Rose Bulls Draft

(New York, NY) - The 2008 NBA Draft went off last night without a hitch, and many teams dramatically improved their overall situation with draft-day deals. But the storyline dominating the draft was the emergence of young stars as the players every team was targeting. A record 12 freshman were drafted, and it was the first time ever that freshman went 1-2-3 in the draft - though freshman Greg Oden and Kevin Durant went 1-2 last year.

The first freshman selected was Memphis point guard, Derrick Rose, who went to the Bulls with the first overall selection. Clearly interested in “going young” in the draft, the Bulls then set their sites on an even younger target: a zygote. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Basketball | 4 Comments 

Cubs Tanking to Get Number One Pick Greg Oden

April 23, 2008

Greg Oden Ohio State

(Chicago, IL) - After spending more than $300 million in the offseason, the Chicago Cubs have struggled out of the gate, limping to an early 9-13 record. But the Cubs are telling fans not to worry because they have a plan: they’re losing on purpose so they can select Ohio State freshman center Greg Oden in the upcoming NBA draft.

“We know fans have been concerned with the team’s early losses, but we want to assure all Cub fans that we know what we’re doing,” President John McDonough said Friday. “Greg Oden is a dominating presence in the post. He can score, he can rebound, and he plays great defense. He’s exactly what we need. And he’s charismatic, too. I can market the heck out of that guy!”

Cub players aren’t as confident in the plan, but they say they trust the front office. “At first I was a little concerned because Greg Oden plays basketball and is going to be in the NBA draft, not the Major League Baseball draft. I mean, I was pretty sure they are like, completely different drafts. And different sports,” Cubs catcher Michael Barrett said. “But regardless of what we think, and regardless of how [freaking mentally-challenged] the front office seems, they know what they’re doing. They’ve got a proven track record, at least when it comes to trying to lose.”

The Cubs, winners of two in a row, will try to get back to their losing ways this afternoon in St. Louis when the Cubs take on the Cardinals in the second game of their three-game weekend series.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. John McDonough did not actually say or do these things. The Cubs Front Office is actually totally super duper awesome! No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Written by Ace · Filed Under Basketball, Chicago Cubs | 2 Comments