Orioles’ Brian Roberts to Cubs: “Do you still like me? Circle one: yes/no”
June 26, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - As the Chicago Cubs compete with the Baltimore Orioles at Wrigley Field this week, it seems that one of the Orioles is competing for something else: the Cubs’ affection. Second baseman Brian Roberts, reportedly a target of the Cubs’ interest in the offseason this year, is apparently still interested in the Cubs.
And he’s doing his best to catch the Cubs’ eye. On, and off the field. Read more
Cubs Sweep Little Brother White Sox, Fart on Their Head
June 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - The Windy City Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Chicago White Sox ended in an easy sweep for the Cubs, with a 7-1 victory at Wrigley Field. It was as if the White Sox were the Cubs’ annoying little brother, whom the Cubs flicked away like a fly.
In fact it was exactly like a big brother beating up on his little brother: after the game, the Cubs unceremoniously, and collectively, farted on the White Sox head. Read more
The 5-Minute Superfan: June 22, 2008
June 22, 2008
Welcome to the fourth installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out. It’s been a streaky week in Cubs Nation. And not all the good kind. Think half Heidi Klum streaking, and half Will Ferrell. Read more
Lou Piniella Reminisces on Days When He Used to Manage a Team in Tampa Bay
June 20, 2008
(Tampa Bay, FL) - Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella sits comfortably in a rocking chair on the porch of his Tampa Bay home. His Cubs were just swept by the Tampa Bay Rays, but Lou can’t be bothered with all that noise. Not now. He’s rocking. And reminiscing.
He wants you to know that he used to manage a team in Tampa Bay, too. Read more
3-Day Waiting Period Saves Lives as Despondent Cubs Fans Await Word on Carlos Zambrano’s Shoulder Injury
June 19, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Cub fan Tim Smithey is had a crummy day yesterday. The Chicago Cubs lost for the second day in a row, surprisingly-good Jim Edmonds left the game with a foot injury, and ace Carlos Zambrano let the game with as-of-yet undisclosed “shoulder discomfort.”
And then, worst of all, Tim couldn’t even buy a gun to blow his brains out. Read more
The 5-Minute Superfan: June 16, 2008
June 16, 2008
Welcome to the third installment of The 5-Minute Superfan. If you’re wondering what the heck it is, check this page out. Well we’re back from a completely undeserved vacation, and hope you survived without us. The Cubs certainly did, losing just once this week, and continuing their torrid pace. Read more
Carlos Zambrano Beats San Diego Padres, Michael Barrett with Bat
June 3, 2008
(San Diego, CA) - The Chicago Cubs kept their hot streak going, defeating the San Diego Padres last night in Petco Park 7-6. Carlos Zambrano started for the Cubs, and it pitted him against Padre catcher and former teammate Michael Barrett for the first time since the two got into a much-publicized fight last year. Following the fight - in which Zambrano reportedly beat Barrett silly - and other illicit escapades, Barrett was shipped off to San Diego.
It seems Zambrano once again got the best of Barrett last night. Before, during, and after the game. Read more
Young Cubs Fan “Pretty Sure” Inverting His Hat Causes Cub Wins
May 31, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - This week has seen the Cubs come back late in dramatic fashion in several games, finding a way to win when a win seemed just out of reach. No game exemplifies this come-back spirit more than Friday’s win over the Colorado Rockies. Trailing 8-0 early, the Cubs found a way - as if by magic - to come all the way back in the late innings, and pull out a 10-9 win.
One young Cubs fan thinks he holds the secret to the Cubs victories this week - and he wears it on his head. Read more
Jim Edmonds Skips Thursday’s Game Against Rockies to Watch LOST Finale - Teammates Don’t Really Mind
May 30, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - The Chicago Cubs’ new center fielder and former enemy number one Jim Edmonds skipped last night’s series opener against the Colorado Rockies. Was he nursing a sore back, or taking a day off to clear his mind after his pathetic start with the Cubs? It would make sense, given his lack of production.
No, he was hanging back in his Chicago condo so that he could watch the LOST season finale. And his teammates were pretty ok with it. Read more
Dodgers Manager Joe Torre: “Hu’s on Short? - No, seriously.”
May 29, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - The Chicago Cubs completed a sweep of the Los Angeles Dodgers last night in dramatic fashion, following a walk-off single by Alfonso Soriano in the 10th inning. After the game, the Dodger clubhouse was a veritable powderkeg of emotion from the top down, with one exception: Manager Joe Torre sat quietly in the corner, looking puzzled.
Asked what he was thinking, Torre took a moment to collect his thoughts before sharing that he was simply “befuddled right now.” Was he befuddled as to how his Dodgers could lose three straight close games to the Cubs? Or was it how his closer, Takashi Saito could blow the game last night?
No. Torre was trying to figure out who was playing shortstop for his team. Read more
Random Flashback Headlines
- Jim Edmonds “Totally Had to Dive” For That Ball
- Baseball gods tired of the same old Cubs curses, decide to “go Exodus on the Northsiders”
- NEWSBRIEF: Reggie Bush on Relationship with Kim Kardashian: “There’s a chick attached to that ass?”
- Lilly Looking Forward to “Being Like Those People in the Valtrex Commercials”
- Roethlisberger Takes Blame for Playoff Loss, Fart
- BCS Clusterf*ck Ends in Surprise Notre Dame Selection
- New England Patriots Cheat on Boardgames, Taxes, Wife, but “Never Football”
- Cubs to Fans: “Haha, suckaz!”
- NEWSBRIEF: Felix Pie Suffers Twisted Testicle, Alfonso Soriano Suffers Broken Finger, Cubs Nation Suffers Coincidence-itis
- SPECIAL REPORT: ZambranoGate - or; How Carlos Zambrano Learned to Stop Fighting the Crazy, and Start Fighting Michael Barrett
