Fukudome on Bobblehead Night: “You honor me with giant head”
May 28, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Chicago Cubs right fielder Kosuke Fukudome was celebrated at Wrigley Field last night with his very own bobblehead. And Fukudome returned the favor by going 2-3, driving in a run, and making two spectacular catches in Chicago’s 3-1 win over the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Fascinated by the toy depiction, Fukudome had a great deal to say. Read more
Former Chicago Cubs Pitcher Loses Millisecond-Long Battle with Lightning Bolt
May 26, 2008
Editor’s Note: What happened to Geremi Gonzalez was truly a tragedy. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his friends and family. Humor is how some of us grieve.
(Caracas, Venezuela) - A former pitcher for the Chicago Cubs passed away yesterday in Venezuela. Geremi Gonzalez, 33, pitched in 131 Major League games, compiling 30 wins - 11 of which came for the Cubs in 1997.
Gonzalez died after being struck by a lightning bolt - an affliction he had suffered with for nanoseconds. Read more
Soriano Hits Two-Run Homer Early so We Can’t Call Him a Ridiculotard for Dropped Fly Ball Late
May 25, 2008
(Pittsburgh, PA) - The Cubs wrapped up their weekend series in Pittsburgh against the Pirates with back-to-back crushing, extra inning defeats. Each game was in hand for the Cubs in the ninth, each game was blown that inning, and each game was won by a Jason Bay walk off single. The blame went to closer Kerry Wood for Saturday’s loss, but today, fans turned their ire toward left fielder Alfonso Soriano.
Soriano dropped an easy one-out fly ball in the 9th, which allowed the tying run to score. The Pirates went on to win in the 11th. But we probably can’t say anything, because Soriano homered earlier in the game. Read more
Cubs Drop Series to Astros in Some Kind of Stupid Miniature Golf Park
May 22, 2008
(Houston, TX) - The Chicago Cubs came into their series against the Houston Astros as one of the hottest teams in the league, but leave slightly beaten down, after losing two of three to the Astros. The Cubs really aren’t even sure how it happened - and worse still, they aren’t really even sure what they were playing. It was either baseball, or miniature golf. The Astros ballpark, Minute Maid Park, made it impossible to tell. Read more
Lance Berkman “incredibly excited” about May 25th
May 21, 2008
(Houston, TX) - Chemistry is important in the game of baseball. Some weigh it more heavily than others, but it’s safe to say that everyone places some value on the intangible. There is one member of the Houston Astros, however, that truly values team chemistry: Lance Berkman.
“I just think it’s important for me to step up now that Craig Biggio and Brad Ausmus are gone,” Berkman would state. When told that Brad Ausmus is still on the team, Berkman smirked and gave a sarcastic “sure he is.” Read more
Cubs End Chad Fox Experiment - Kill Chad Fox
May 21, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - The Cubs have made a roster move that will shake up the bullpen a bit, removing Chad Fox and calling up Jose Ascanio. Fox, 37, was on his second go-around with the Cubs. He last pitched in the major leagues three years ago for the team - he wasn’t particularly good then, sporting a 6.75 ERA - and after a poor start this year, the Cubs have decided to pull the plug on Fox.
Literally. Read more
Anonymous Cancer Survivor Throws No-Hitter for Red Sox
May 20, 2008
(Boston, MA) - Last night, something truly special happened. A pitcher for the Boston Red Sox threw a no-hitter against the Kansas City Royals. But not just any pitcher. The pitcher was a cancer survivor. We aren’t entirely sure of his name based on ESPN’s coverage, but we do know that he first beat cancer, and then threw a no-hitter. And that’s pretty incredible. Read more
Alfonso Soriano Absolutely on Fire This Week - Still Very, Very Ugly Sources Say
May 18, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Cubs fans have watched over the past two years as outfielder Alfonso Soriano went through his peaks and his valleys. When Soriano is hot, there is no better player in all of baseball. When Soriano is cold, fans would rather see the reincarnation of Neifi Perez at the plate than Soriano. This season has been no exception. Soriano started out the season in a profound and deep funk. But this past week, Soriano has completely turned it around, and been hotter than perhaps he’s ever been: in his last seven games, he has 15 hits, seven home runs, 13 RBI, and is sporting a ridiculous .536 average. Suffice it to say, Soriano’s performance swings wildly and unpredictably from highs to lows.
But there has always been one constant with Alfonso Soriano: he is always very, very ugly. Read more
SPECIAL REPORT: ZambranoGate - or; How Carlos Zambrano Learned to Stop Fighting the Crazy, and Start Fighting Michael Barrett
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - On Friday afternoon, Carlos Zambrano decided to stop fighting the voices in his head, and gave in when he got into a dugout fight with teamate Michael Barrett. The Cubs, losers of five in a row and nine of their last eleven, were on their way to defeat after a disasterous fifth inning which saw Barrett allow a run to score on a passed ball followed by a throwing error. Zambrano confronted Barrett in the dugout after the half inning, apparently about Barrett’s errors and game-calling.
It has since been reported that the fight was actually about Barrett’s constant barbs at Sanjaya, Zambrano’s favorite former American Idol contestant.
The two had to be separated by teamates and coaches. Zambrano was sent to the clubhouse, where Barrett followed to finish the scuffle. Obviously the team was confused and concerned about the fight - and so were the participants. “I was really shocked at first when he came at me,” said Michael Barrett. “At first, I flashed on AJ [Pierzynski], but then I remembered that Zambrano has a penis and is slightly more batsh*t crazy.”
Others weighed in on the now infamous dugout incident. “Did you see how Zambrano swung at him?” hitting coach Gerald Perry said. “Them were p*ssy swings. And Barrett didn’t even swing. I knew I hadn’t taught these guys to hit for sh**.”
Manager Lou Piniella was enraged by the fight, and showed more emotion than he has all year. “You’re damn right I was pissed off,” shouted Piniella in a post-game news conference. “You’ve seen the pictures. I jumped right up and I was screaming. During the fight, some a**hole stepped on my last meat pie. With f*cking cleats!”
“Meat pies, meat pies, hairy scary meat pies! What will I do without my meat pies?” lamented a visibly shaken Piniella after the game. “Oh, and additionally, we f*cking suck at baseball.”
As for Zambrano, the clubhouse was reportedly a mess following his dismissal. “Oh yeah, he tore that place up pretty good,” said Aramis Ramirez. “I went back there after the fight to see what was going on, and Zambrano was back there breaking bats, punching lockers, sending dozens of e-mails to family members in Caracas, sniffing athletic supporters, chewing pine tar… you know, normal Zambrano stuff. But then he got this look in his eye and said ‘They’ll all love me soon,’ and he cut off his freaking ear!”
Zambrano allegedly told teamates his left ear had become greedy and untrustworthy.
General Manager Jim Hendry, away from Wrigley for the day while scouting for the upcoming draft, was at a loss. “We’re really in a bad place right now, both as a team and as an organization. And now we’ve got to deal with this,” Hendry opined. “I just don’t know. I mean, I’m gonna have to figure out what the hell to do with Zambrano. And I’m gonna have to figure out what the hell to do with this (holds up bloody shoebox containing tissue paper, baby’s breath, and a left ear).”
Update: Zambrano and Barrett have gone at it again.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Well, sadly, probably the funniest part of the story - the fight, itself - is actually true. But for the most part, no one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Henry Blanco to Go on Disabled List - Fans Wonder Exactly When He Was “Abled”
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - The Chicago Cubs today placed back-up catcher Henry Blanco on the 15-day disabled list, retroactive to May 31, with a cervical herniated disc. The move has left Cub fans wondering one thing: was Henry Blanco really ever “abled” to begin with?
The 35-year-old Blanco has backed up Michael Barrett on the Cubs for parts of the past three seasons, and has never been particularly good. “I mean, it’s not cool if he’s hurt or whatever,” Wrigleyville fan Robby Kopeke pondered, “but I’m just really confused. How is Henry now disabled? Wasn’t he always?”
Blanco, who sports a career .224 average, was also confused by the move. “The label of ‘disabled,’ I understand,” Blanco explained. “But why now? I’m a worse hitter than many of the pitchers on the team. How does that make me ‘abled’? Let’s be real. I’ve never been ‘abled.’ I should have been on the disabled list for my entire career,” Blanco continued. “I’m no different today than I was a week ago. ‘Cervical herniated disc?’ Come on. Even I can tell that’s made up, and I’m mentally disabled.”
The Cubs have called up a sack of flour from AAA Iowa to take Blanco’s roster spot while he recuperates.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Henry did not say or do these things, and I’m sure he’s better at baseball than most sacks of flour. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Random Flashback Headlines
- NEWSBRIEF: Evil Knievel Passes Away at 69 - To Jump the River Styx on “Evil” Pow-Pow-Powerwheel
- Michael Phelps Wins Record-Breaking Eight Gold Medals, but Has to Shave Arms to Do It
- Cubs Tanking to Get Number One Pick Greg Oden
- Cowboys Trade for Pac-Man, Deny Rumor They Will Use 2008 1st Round Picks on Mario Brothers
- Cubs Acquire Oakland A’s Stud Pitcher Who is Sure to Put Them Over the Top - Also Acquire Rich Harden
- Citing Lack of Testicle-Grabbing Production from Felix Pie, Cubs Sign Jim Edmonds
- Cubs Discover Washington Nationals Are Secretly a Real Life MLB Team
- Detroit Red Wings Awarded Stanley Cup Under Shroud of Mystery, Apathy
- Barry Melrose Tells Family He Works for ESPN, Leaves it at That
- Roger Clemens distracted by “that Flitwick-lookin’ dude” during Congressional Hearing
