Bonds hits home run 740, draws Pluto into head’s orbit
April 23, 2008
(San Francisco, CA) - With his home run against the Arizona Diamondbacks, Barry Bonds drew one step closer to Hank Aaron’s historic mark and now stands 15 home runs away from the hallowed record. In other Bonds-related news, the International Astronomical Union defined the term “planet” for the first time, excluding Pluto and reported that this former planet has left the sun’s orbit and is now circling Barry Bonds’ swollen cranium.
“The members of the astronomical community are stunned,” said M. Woolfson, author of The Origin and Evolution of the Solar System. “This marks the first occasion since the beginning of recorded time that a celestial body has left the orbit of a star or planet and joined the orbit of a man’s skull. To put it succinctly, Barry Bonds has a huge [freaking] dome!”
Planets and dwarf planets of the Bonds system; while the size is to scale, the relative distances from the Bonds’ head are not.
When reached for comment, Jeff Boris, Barry Bonds’ agent remarked, “Why does the press have to blow everything out of proportion? Honestly. This is insane. You heard the reports; Pluto isn’t even a planet anymore – it’s a ‘dwarf planet’ similar to Sedna, Orcus, or Quaoar. This barely qualifies as news, people. Now if you’ll excuse me, there have been reports of an asteroid on a collision course with my client’s head.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - Visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)
Cubs to Go with One-Man Rotation
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - After Wade Miller’s poor outing on Sunday against the Cardinals, Chicago Cubs Manager Lou Piniella has decided it’s time for a change. The Cubs’ short-lived experiment with a five-man pitching rotation is over.
“Yeah, we tried to give it a go with five starters, but I just don’t think it’s working anymore. We’re gonna have to go back to a one-man rotation of Rich Hill,” Piniella said Monday morning. “[Wade] Miller has been awful, [Carlos] Zambrano isn’t exactly winning the Cy Young [award], I’ve never liked [Jason] Marquis, and the offense refuses to score when [Ted] Lilly pitches. So we’re going with Hill.”
According to ESPN baseball expert Buster Olney, who had never heard of the Cubs, the move is unprecedented. “Are you [freaking] serious? One guy? That’s ridiculous. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” Olney said.
The Cubs are more optimistic. Hill has been excellent on the year, going 3-0 for the Cubs with a miniscule 0.41 ERA. Hill says he’s ready for the move. “I’m not gonna lie. I kinda wondered how long it was gonna take for them to get me out there a little more often. I just want to do whatever helps the Cubs win, and if it means throwing 1300 innings this season, I’m up for it.”
Hill will start in place of Carlos Zambrano this evening against the Brewers, and after undergoing a special stretching program designed just for Hill by the Cubs training staff, he will either go again for the Cubs on Tuesday, or be out of baseball forever.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Albert Pujols Adjusting to Life in His 40s
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - St. Louis Cardinals First Baseman Albert Pujols is trying his best to shake off the rust of the offseason and of old age, as he and the Cardinals are scuffling a bit out of the gate this season. Pujols, who turned approximately 40 earlier this week, is struggling to break the .200 mark so far this year.
“I just can’t do all the things I used to be able to do. I can still swing the bat a bit, but my reaction time is fading, my legs are shaky, and my memory isn’t great, either. My reaction time is also slower,” Pujols said after the Cardinals lost to the Cubs in Chicago Saturday afternoon. The Dominican-born Pujols was 1 for 3, which brought his season average up to .203.
New York Met and octagenarian Julio Franco says he can relate to the adjustments Pujols is facing. “It’s hard when your legs start to go a little bit, and you’ve got that first hip replacement. And you just can’t steal second as well when you’re carting the oxygen tank. My walker helps, though.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Albert did not say or do these things, although the crappy batting average is true. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Sammy Sosa on Comeback: “The steroids have really helped!”
April 23, 2008
(Arlington, TX) - Former Chicago Cub superstar, Sammy Sosa, is enjoying something of a comeback this season with the Texas Rangers after being out of baseball in 2006. Sosa and Cubs parted ways after the 2004 season, and after spending a disappointing 2005 season with the Baltimore Orioles, Sammy left the game.
“My passion was missing. My heart just wasn’t in the game anymore, and obviously my play had deteriorated. I didn’t think I would find that spark again - that indescribable desire to run, throw, catch, to hit… nay, to live!” Sosa declared.
What did it take to get Sammy back into baseball? “About 70 pounds of elephant-grade anabolic steroids,” he said. “I didn’t realize how much I was missing the sweet kiss of the needle, just as I was missing the sweet kisses I blow to my momma when I send one deep. This comeback would not have been possible without my juice. I would probably still be hitting .180 without it, but I wouldn’t have SO many home runs!”
When informed that steroids are illegal and banned from baseball, Sammy remarked, “I, uh (*incoherent*), I can’t… I do not the, uh … understand question… I sorry.”
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Sammy did not say or do (allegedly) these things. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Felix Pie to Daryl Ward: “Stop trying to eat me!”
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - Center field prospect phenom, Felix Pie, has been called up from AAA Iowa to temporarily replace Alfonso Soriano in center for the Chicago Cubs. Pie, 22, is enjoying his first taste of the big leagues. His only complaint is that a teammate is trying to enjoy a taste of something else: Felix Pie.
“I’m so excited to be a part of the big team. I’ve got a lot to learn, but I really think I can help out,” Pie said. “Everyone has been really helpful and encouraging so far, and I love the guys in the clubhouse. The only real problem is that Daryl Ward keeps trying to eat me.”
Upon learning that Pie was being promoted to the major league team, rotund Cub bench player, Daryl Ward, was reportedly overcome with joy. “Seriously? Pie is joining the team? I’m so freaking excited. I love Pie!”
Aside from informing Ward that his name is pronounced “pee-ay,” Pie has had to remind Ward on at least four occasions already that he is not an item of food. “He keeps coming at me with a can of Reddi-Wip [whipped cream] and this crazy look in his eye. I’m a little afraid to sit in the dugout between innings.”
Pie will do his best to keep from being eaten alive by both Ward and major league pitching later this afternoon as the Cubs continue their home series with the San Diego Padres.
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Snow Relieved to Learn Cubs Aren’t Playing
April 23, 2008
(Chicago, IL) - April snow has been plaguing much of the northern Midwest for the last week, and it came to Chicago in full force on Wednesday. Did the snow have any thoughts on visiting the famed Windy City? It did: Thank God the Cubs aren’t playing.
“My cousin knew I was coming to town, and he was all like, ‘Oh man, we gotta go see the Cubs, I’ll get us tickets.’ I was dreading it. I’ve been watching that awful sack of crap of a baseball team struggle out of the gate, and frankly I’m already sick of it,” the snow said. “$250, $300 million? What did they spend this offseason? And this is how they start the season? You have to be kidding me. I may be merely the solid physical state of precipitated water, but I know a crummy team when I see one. I’m just thanking my lucky stars that I didn’t have to watch that team while I’m here in Chicago. There were plenty of free tickets available to go see the Sox, anyway.”
When informed that the Cubs were not playing on Wednesday because of the snow’s arrival, the snow beamed. “You mean it’s because of me? I thought I just got lucky to get here on an off-day. Well… consider it my gift to Chicago.”
-Flexwell G. Puckerpants, beat writer, Times Monitor Standard Courier
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The snow did not say or do these things. I’m sure he’s (it’s?) a great and honorable man (state?), and no one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Dusty Baker Admits to Managing Under the Influence
April 23, 2008
(San Francisco, CA) - To support his on again, off again managerial friend, Tony LaRussa - recently arrested for driving under the influence - former Chicago Cubs and San Francisco Giants manager, and current ESPN commentator, Dusty Baker admitted Wednesday that on several occasions during the 2005 and 2006 seasons he managed the Cubs while under the influence of alcohol.
“I just want people to understand that we all make mistakes, man. Tony made a mistake and drove. I made a mistake and managed. It happens, dude,” Baker said.
The 2005 and 2006 Cub teams were plagued by injuries, but also by inconsistencies on the field and in the clubhouse. Baker acknowledged his role in both sets of shortcomings. “It all started at the end of the 2004 season when I got really drunk and smashed up Sammy [Sosa]’s boombox. People thought his teamates got mad he left, but the truth is, I was just really ripped and thought the boombox had made a racist remark at me. And I don’t start fights, but I finish ‘em.”
Baker was certain that his problems with drinking in 2005 and 2006 were obvious to everyone. “You can’t look at the lineups I was throwing out there and not know I was having a problem. [Corey] Patterson? Neifi [Perez]? In front of Derrek Lee? Come on, man.” Baker also stated that he feels some of the criticisms he received while with the Cubs were unfair, given his problem. “People were always saying I abused the pitchers, I abused the pitchers. [People were saying] I left the starters in too long. Well maybe, man. But it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t trying to leave them in, I was just passed out in the clubhouse.”
Baker said he has started attending AA meetings with LaRussa, and plans to keep attending, at least until an older, more established, but decidedly worse program becomes available.
-Flexwell G. Puckerpants, beat writer, Times Monitor Standard Courier
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Dusty Baker did not say or do these things. I’m sure he’s a great and honorable man, and no one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Complaints taken at ace@bricksandivyradio.com)
Rich Hill Nearly No-Hits Brewers - Julio Lugo Successfully No-Hits Wife
April 23, 2008
(Milwaukee, WI / Boston, MA) - While Rich Hill was nearly throwing a no-hitter against the Brewers in Milwaukee late Friday night, Red Sox Shortstop Julio Lugo was reaching for an achievement of his own: he was no-hitting his wife.
“It was great,” said Lugo. “I didn’t know if I had it in me to get there, but the hours just kept going by, first, second, third… and there was no hitting. It was amazing.” Lugo said by the seventh and eighth hours, the couple were doing all they could to keep from jinxing the no-hit evening. “It was one of those things where you know it’s happening, but nobody wants to say anything, you know? My wife almost said something at one point, but we both smiled, and she was like oops. Close call. But yeah, we’re really excited. No hitting. It was great.”
Lugo looks to continue his no-hit streak this weekend in Arlington as the Red Sox visit the Texas Rangers.
-Flexwell G. Puckerpants, beat writer, Times Monitor Standard Courier
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Julio Lugo did not say or do these things. I’m sure he’s a great and honorable man, and no one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Wife Boos Alex Rodriguez
April 23, 2008
(New York, NY) - Citing a dramatic increase in “un-clutch” performance, Alex Rodriguez’s wife, Cynthia, began booing him late Thursday night, and has not yet stopped. “Look, he gets a whole lot here to be my husband, and I expect a certain level of performance for that commitment,” Cynthia said. “Alex is the kind of guy that has great home stats, sure. But they are completely empty stats. He’s great when it’s late and he’s alone, and I’m already ‘doing fine,’ if you know what I mean. But when it’s tight, and I really need him to come through for me, he flops. The fact is, he’s soft.”
Rodriguez has not yet decided if he would accept a trade to another wife. “I love my wife, I respect her. I’m happy here. But I understand that if she thinks it’s time to move on, I should respect that, too. Paula Robinson, down the street, has added a lot [to her chest] this offseason, so I could see that being a good fit.”
-Flexwell G. Puckerpants, beat writer, Times Monitor Standard Courier
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
Adam Dunn: “Singles are for Douchebags”
April 23, 2008
(Cincinnati, OH) - The Cincinnati Reds were victorious in their season opener against the Chicago Cubs, thanks in no small part to Adam Dunn’s two prodigious home runs, hit off Cubs’ ace, Carlos Zambrano. Perhaps inflated by excitement, Dunn proclaimed that for him, it was now home run or bust.
“[Forget] singles. I’m done with that [stuff]. Chicks don’t [have physical relations with] you because you can hit a single. Singles are for douchebags. Homers are for heroes. I’m done hitting [] singles. From now on, if it doesn’t go over the fence, I’m not [] running.”
When pressed, Dunn admitted that there are other outcomes at the plate that he might find acceptable.
“A walk, yeah ok. I’d take a walk. Sometimes chicks will give you a [manual sexual favor] for a walk. No, seriously. There’s this crazy [] chick in Over the Rhine that takes care of me every time I walk. She calls it walks for [male sex organs]. Can I say [male sex organs]?”
Dunn will do his best to homer or walk when the Reds resume their opening series against the Cubs on Wednesday.
-Flexwell G. Puckerpants, beat writer, Times Monitor Standard Courier
(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)
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