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Chronic Masturbation Comes Back to Haunt White Sox

September 8, 2008

White Sox Carlos Quentin broken wrist

(Chicago, IL) – Last week, Chicago White Sox star and possible American League MVP Carlos Quentin went down with a wrist injury. But it wasn’t until late in the week that the truth about the injury was revealed – both in severity and cause.

Quentin’s wrist was broken and would require likely season-ending surgery. How could this cruel joke have happened to the White Sox; to such an important player at such a critical juncture? But more importantly, how did the injury really happen? Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Baseball | 8 Comments 

MLB Uses Instant Replay to Repeatedly Oggle Erin Andrews

September 2, 2008

Erin Andrews three sexy pictures

(Bristol, CT) – Last week, Major League Baseball instituted a limited version of instant replay. Home runs, fair or foul, and fan interference questions can now be reviewed using video replay. So far, Major League Baseball officials say, the program has been a rousing success.

Or an arousing success, depending on whom you ask. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Baseball | 12 Comments 

Magic Johnson’s AIDS-Celtics Analogy Falls Flat

June 9, 2008

Magic Johnson AIDS

(Boston, MA) – The NBA Finals are in full swing as two titans of basketball lore do battle: the Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers. But perhaps the biggest news is coming from ABC’s coverage of the series, not from the series, itself.

Former Los Angeles Laker point guard turned ABC commentator, Ervin “Magic” Johnson made controversial comments after Game One last Thursday that seemed to somehow compare the Boston Celtics basketball team to acquired immune deficiency syndrome, otherwise known as AIDS. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Basketball | 4 Comments 

Fukudome on Bobblehead Night: “You honor me with giant head”

May 28, 2008

Kosuke Fukudome Cubs

(Chicago, IL) – Chicago Cubs right fielder Kosuke Fukudome was celebrated at Wrigley Field last night with his very own bobblehead. And Fukudome returned the favor by going 2-3, driving in a run, and making two spectacular catches in Chicago’s 3-1 win over the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Fascinated by the toy depiction, Fukudome had a great deal to say. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Chicago Cubs | 1 Comment 

Sexy Woman Named Danica Patrick Able to Drive

May 24, 2008

Danica Patrick Ass

(Indianapolis, IN) – Thousands will flock this Memorial Day weekend to Indianapolis, Indiana to watch racing’s biggest event: The Indianapolis 500. But perhaps the larger story is the ever-increasing popularity of one of the drivers.

Danica Patrick – as well known for her sexy physique and stunning looks as her sport – is a tremendous success story, and it is no surprise that fans have been drawn to her. But that doesn’t mean her story isn’t full of surprises. Read more

Written by Ace · Filed Under Other Sports | 9 Comments 

Tiger Woods: “Call me Chupacabra Woods”

April 23, 2008

(Dublin, OH) – Fresh off defeat at The Memorial where he was never really in contention, and after comments by fellow golfer Rory Sabbatini that he was more beatable than ever, Tiger Woods is taking dramatic steps to reclaim his position atop the PGA tour: He’s changing his name.

“The name ‘Tiger’ no longer instills fear in my competition,” Woods explained. “I needed something new that would really terrify the other golfers. Eldrick never really scared anyone, and I was always a God-awful golfer, so from the very beginning I knew I needed an edge. My name was my edge. Grrr. I’m the Tiger! You see? I saw you cringe in terror. But my opponents, they’ve become used to the Tiger. I needed a new name – a new identity. I am the Chupacabra. Fear my scales!”

chupacabra picture

Woods plans not only to change his nickname, but also his biochemical and genetic makeup. “It’s not enough to be called Chupacabra, I must become Chupacabra.” When asked how he plans to initiate such a transformation, Woods scoffed, “I’ll have one bite me, obviously. I’ve seen Danny DeVito around town. A guy who looks like that can’t be purely human.”

Artists rendition of what Chupacabra Woods will look like. Note this rendition is indeed post-change.

“I’m tired of trying to win tournaments with precision accuracy and clutch putting,” Woods continued. “I will now win the way golfers were intended to: by systematically dissolving my opponents’ internal organs and removing and eating their eyes and genitalia.”

“I have honed my new skills by practicing against goats and small cows. The cows had a sick short game, but I think it was my tenacity that won out in the end. My tenacity, and my 57 pounds per square inch of bite pressure.”

Elin Nordgren topless

Woods’ absurdly mismatched beauty of a wife, Elin Nordegren, says that although at first she resisted the move, she will support her husband. “Yes, at first I was against it. I was afraid of what it would be like to be (pauses) intimate with a mythical goat-sucking beast,” Nordegren explained. “But then I remembered that I have only ever been intimate with Tiger once anyway, and that was an accidental handy on our honeymoon, so I figured what the heck.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Tiger did not say or do these things, and neither did his trophy Elin. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Written by Ace · Filed Under Other Sports | 3 Comments 

Local Blockbuster Refuses to Rent Pornography to Derrek Lee

April 23, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – On Friday night, Derrek Lee headed to Blockbuster Video to do what any normal, married, American male likes to do that time of the week: rent nasty, low-budget lesbian pornography. But the visit wasn’t a happy one for Lee. He was told to do his business – and “do his business” – somewhere else.

“Look, I love the Cubs, and I love Derrek Lee,” night manager Brian Mayer explained. “But we all saw what happened to him last year. He broke that wrist, and he was out almost all season. And we stunk without him. No sir, I’m not willing to take the risk of being responsible for aggravating that prior injury. And don’t get me started on what could happen with that neck injury he’s got now.”

Blockbuster Movie Rental Aisle
“Don’t go through the beads, Derrek,” Mayer cautioned. “You’re just not welcome.”

Lee protested, but Mayer stood firm. “If I rented him that copy of ‘V for Vagina,’ there was only one outcome. He tried to tell me he could switch-hit, but I just wasn’t buying it.” Lee’s first attempt at mainstream cinema viewing was also rebuffed by Mayer. “Yeah, he put back the stag flick, and brought up ‘New York Minute’ [the 2004 comedy starring Eugene Levy and Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen], but I still couldn’t rent it to him. He had this look in his eye like he wasn’t getting the movie for its brilliant acting and delightful plot devices.”

Ultimately, Mayer allowed Lee to rent “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” “It was a close call,” Mayer said, “but I think I made the right decision.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Derrek Lee would never attempt to rent pornography. Probably. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Written by Ace · Filed Under Chicago Cubs | 2 Comments 

Clubhouse Baffled, Unnerved by Matt Murton’s Assertion that He’d “Do Renee Zellweger”

April 23, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – As the Cubs were coming down from their 15-inning heartbreaking loss to the Pirates early Wednesday morning, the clubhouse was abuzz with something else very disappointing: Matt Murton finds Renee Zellweger attractive.

“It all started when Alfie [Alfonso Soriano] was talkin’ about that Shakira and Beyonce song, and he was saying that without a doubt, he would totally do both of them,” Cubs catcher Michael Barrett said. “At once, separately, with or without ricotta cheese. Whatever, you know?”

But then things took a sinister turn. Barrett recalled, “Murton turns to me and says, ‘Yeah, they’re pretty hot. But you know who is just crazy hot? Renee Zellweger. I’d totally do her.’ It was awful, man. It was like he was completely unaware that she’s a hideous man-monster from the deep.”

Renee Zellweger sexy
Zellweger’s gargoylesque visage circled the Cubs clubhouse Wednesday.

The bizzare and terrifying revelation spiraled through the clubhouse and eventually made its way to the coaching staff. Hitting coach Gerald Perry was especially disappointed. “You spend hours and hours teaching a kid what to hit. And it’s like he wasn’t even listening.” Manager Lou Piniella was also upset, “He wonders why he isn’t getting more playing time. It’s [stuff] like this.”

Murton quickly tried to back down from his statement, claiming that, “I thought she was one of those chicks in Hanson. They were hot.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Matt did not say, do, or think these things. And Renee Zellweger is… gulp… a very… ok… looking… um… handsome woman. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Written by Ace · Filed Under Chicago Cubs | 2 Comments