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Doctors Concede Tiger Woods “Probably didn’t need that bionic knee we gave him”

June 17, 2008

Tiger Woods US Open

(Torrey Pines, CA) – Tiger Woods has made a career of doing the incredible – and making it look easy. Yesterday, he won the U.S. Open, his third, after a 19-hole playoff. That, alone, was not incredible. Afterall, everyone knows Tiger is a fierce competitor. What is incredible is that he was able to do this in his first tournament – indeed his first few rounds of golf – since knee surgery just weeks ago. As Tiger winced and limped around the course, his performance was reminiscent of Willis Reed for the New York Knicks many years ago.

But the doctors who performed Tiger’s knee surgery have admitted that maybe he doesn’t deserve all of the credit. Read more

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Detroit Red Wings Awarded Stanley Cup Under Shroud of Mystery, Apathy

June 5, 2008

Red Wings Win Stanley Cup

(Pittsburgh, PA) – The NHL revealed late Wednesday night that it had selected this year’s Stanley Cup winner: The Detroit Red Wings. The sports world’s best kept secret began leaking when a few conspiracy theorist types claimed they had seen the Red Wings win the Cup live on television. While the NHL denied such ridiculous claims, the League did eventually decide it was best to let the cat out of the bag. Read more

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Big Brown to Change Name to Something Less Reminiscent of a Large Turd

June 4, 2008

Big Brown Kentucky Derby Win

(Elmont, NY) – In just a few days, all eyes will converge on Belmont Park for the 140th running of the Belmont Stakes. Big Brown will attempt to become the first horse to win the Triple Crown since Affirmed pulled off the feat exactly 30 years ago. You would think that under such momentous circumstances, Big Brown would be fierce and focused on the task at hand. But like many prima donna athletes today, he’s concerned with things that just don’t seem to matter. Read more

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Sexy Woman Named Danica Patrick Able to Drive

May 24, 2008

Danica Patrick Ass

(Indianapolis, IN) – Thousands will flock this Memorial Day weekend to Indianapolis, Indiana to watch racing’s biggest event: The Indianapolis 500. But perhaps the larger story is the ever-increasing popularity of one of the drivers.

Danica Patrick – as well known for her sexy physique and stunning looks as her sport – is a tremendous success story, and it is no surprise that fans have been drawn to her. But that doesn’t mean her story isn’t full of surprises. Read more

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Belmont Stakes: A Triple Crown Winner or a Horse Dies, or Your Money Back!

May 23, 2008

2008 Belmont Stakes

(Elmont, NY) – The Belmont Stakes, the third leg of the throroughbred Triple Crown following the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness Stakes, is held annually in Elmont, New York. Interest in the event, outside of the horse racing world, it often tempered unless a horse has already won the first two legs of the Triple Crown. Fortunately for organizers of the race, taking place June 7th this year, the horse Big Brown won the Derby and then also the Preakness. Instantly, the event was transformed into “the Belmont Stakes” from “that horsey race that nobody gives a shit about.”

But they want you to know that’s not the only reason to get excited about the Belmont Stakes this year. Read more

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Barry Melrose Tells Family He Works for ESPN, Leaves it at That

May 16, 2008

Barry Melrose Hockey at ESPN

(Bristol, CT) – Barry Melrose is known to hockey fans as ESPN’s voice of the NHL. Barry Melrose is known to everyone else as that slightly creepy guy with greasy hair and an uncomfortable goatee.

It seems that the distinction is true even in Melrose’s inner circle of friends and family. This has been made noticeable because Melrose is too embarrassed to tell his loved ones that he is a hockey analyst. Read more

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Tiger Woods: “Call me Chupacabra Woods”

April 23, 2008

(Dublin, OH) – Fresh off defeat at The Memorial where he was never really in contention, and after comments by fellow golfer Rory Sabbatini that he was more beatable than ever, Tiger Woods is taking dramatic steps to reclaim his position atop the PGA tour: He’s changing his name.

“The name ‘Tiger’ no longer instills fear in my competition,” Woods explained. “I needed something new that would really terrify the other golfers. Eldrick never really scared anyone, and I was always a God-awful golfer, so from the very beginning I knew I needed an edge. My name was my edge. Grrr. I’m the Tiger! You see? I saw you cringe in terror. But my opponents, they’ve become used to the Tiger. I needed a new name – a new identity. I am the Chupacabra. Fear my scales!”

chupacabra picture

Woods plans not only to change his nickname, but also his biochemical and genetic makeup. “It’s not enough to be called Chupacabra, I must become Chupacabra.” When asked how he plans to initiate such a transformation, Woods scoffed, “I’ll have one bite me, obviously. I’ve seen Danny DeVito around town. A guy who looks like that can’t be purely human.”

Artists rendition of what Chupacabra Woods will look like. Note this rendition is indeed post-change.

“I’m tired of trying to win tournaments with precision accuracy and clutch putting,” Woods continued. “I will now win the way golfers were intended to: by systematically dissolving my opponents’ internal organs and removing and eating their eyes and genitalia.”

“I have honed my new skills by practicing against goats and small cows. The cows had a sick short game, but I think it was my tenacity that won out in the end. My tenacity, and my 57 pounds per square inch of bite pressure.”

Elin Nordgren topless

Woods’ absurdly mismatched beauty of a wife, Elin Nordegren, says that although at first she resisted the move, she will support her husband. “Yes, at first I was against it. I was afraid of what it would be like to be (pauses) intimate with a mythical goat-sucking beast,” Nordegren explained. “But then I remembered that I have only ever been intimate with Tiger once anyway, and that was an accidental handy on our honeymoon, so I figured what the heck.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Tiger did not say or do these things, and neither did his trophy Elin. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

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91st Indianapolis 500 to Run on Sunday, Nobody to Give a Shit

April 23, 2008

Indianapolis 500

(Indianapolis, IN) – The historic Indiapolis 500 Grand Prix race will run this Sunday, May 25th. IndyCar series superstars like Helio Castoneves and Michael Andretti, as well as racing siren Danica Patrick, will all be participating. Race organizers are excited for the weekend’s festivities and look forward to a great race. But they do have just one concern: Nobody really gives a shit.

For years IndyCar fans have flocked to Indianapolis Motor Speedway for the Indy 500 to bask in the sun and take in terrific racing. But lately, interest in the “sport” has dipped – much of it stolen away by the wildly popular NASCAR series. NASCAR fan Earl “Bucket” Tibbs, 43, managed to string together enough moderately coherent sentence fragments to share his thoughts. “It used to be great Indy 500 we watch that stuff all the time, who boy. But now it ain’t. NASCAR where it at boys. I took my shirt off two year ago at Indy and they kicked my ass out. Forget that. Last year I took my pants off at Daytona and someone gave me a trophy. That’s where it’s at now, boy.”

IndyCar organizers have had trouble understanding and adjusting to the waining interest in their sport. “We just don’t get it,” said regional coordinator Mark Randolph. “Formula One has it all – fast cars going around a track again and again. Did I mention they’re fast? Because they are. Very. We think that’s a [pauses] formula for success! [waits for response] Nothing? I gotta stop letting my wife write my material.”

Danica Patrick underwear

The race will start Sunday at 1 p.m., and those seeking tickets are encouraged to administer tack hammer blows to the forehead until the urge subsides.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Indy 500 is actually very… well, boring. Sorry. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Written by Ace · Filed Under Other Sports | 1 Comment