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Cesar Izturis Tests Positive for Performance-Decreasing Drugs

April 23, 2008

(Chicago, IL) - Cesar Izturis is unlikely to play with the Cubs this weekend as the Nationals visit because he has failed a mandatory drug test. Izturis’ urine samples tested positive for crummocrapastinklone, a drug commonly linked with decreasing a player’s performance on the diamond.

Izturis was unavailable for comment, but several of his teamates were already speaking out about the test results. “Sure, we were a little suspicious,” Derrek Lee said. “Ok, so he’s bad, yeah. But after a while, you start to wonder. Can a guy naturally really be this bad?”

Cubs Cesar Izturis
Cub fans will be disappointed to learn that Izturis’ atrocious .193/.258/.263 line may have been chemically reduced

Infielder Ronny Cedeno was upset by the news. “He didn’t need to do this. He was already pretty darn bad,” Cedeno said. “How much worse does a guy really need to get? When he started sucking in the field, I knew something was up, and frankly it really makes me mad. I have worked so hard to suck naturally that it is an insult to hard-working guys like me to hear that he’s been reducin’.”

In related news, former Cub pitcher Glendon Rusch has tested positive for Crisco.

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the Brickyard is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Cesar did not say, do, or pee these things. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway.)

Written by Ace · Filed Under Chicago Cubs | Leave a Comment 

Bonds hits home run 740, draws Pluto into head’s orbit

April 23, 2008

(San Francisco, CA) - With his home run against the Arizona Diamondbacks, Barry Bonds drew one step closer to Hank Aaron’s historic mark and now stands 15 home runs away from the hallowed record. In other Bonds-related news, the International Astronomical Union defined the term “planet” for the first time, excluding Pluto and reported that this former planet has left the sun’s orbit and is now circling Barry Bonds’ swollen cranium.

“The members of the astronomical community are stunned,” said M. Woolfson, author of The Origin and Evolution of the Solar System. “This marks the first occasion since the beginning of recorded time that a celestial body has left the orbit of a star or planet and joined the orbit of a man’s skull. To put it succinctly, Barry Bonds has a huge [freaking] dome!”

Barry Bonds Giant Head Steroids
Planets and dwarf planets of the Bonds system; while the size is to scale, the relative distances from the Bonds’ head are not.

When reached for comment, Jeff Boris, Barry Bonds’ agent remarked, “Why does the press have to blow everything out of proportion? Honestly. This is insane. You heard the reports; Pluto isn’t even a planet anymore – it’s a ‘dwarf planet’ similar to Sedna, Orcus, or Quaoar. This barely qualifies as news, people. Now if you’ll excuse me, there have been reports of an asteroid on a collision course with my client’s head.”

(In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don’t sue. We don’t have money anyway. Article by Geoff Stone - Visit Bricks and Ivy Radio at www.bricksandivyradio.com)

Written by Ace · Filed Under Baseball | Leave a Comment